Week 2 NFL Ramblings, Anecdotes, and Conspiracy Theories
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Week 2 NFL Ramblings, Anecdotes, and Conspiracy Theory’s
One more big thanks to all who voted to keep me here last week, thus adding one more, unusually long, but hopefully funny and insightful piece of NFL drivel to the daily monotony. If you read last week you know the deal, 20 votes and I am back for Week 3. If not, you don’t have to put up with me again until my Pro-Bowling Preview.
As promised, this week I will be giving positive insight into the lives of Terrell “The Golden One” Owens, and Michael “No Newz is Bad Newz” Vick. (Given the anagram does this mean Vick thinks Atlanta is in the Dirty Zouth?”) Don’t hold your breath though because those segments may very well be 3 to 4 feet below.
We have many more important things to deal with first, for instance, today we will start by discussing the most unanimously indefensible character in NFL History. That of course being Mr. Orenthal James Simpson.
As I am sure all of you know by now, OJ has, GASP!?!, found his way into trouble again, and in possibly the most ridiculous way yet. My basic understanding of the story is that OJ and two armed cohorts broke into a Las Vegas Hotel room to take back memorabilia which had supposedly been stolen from him. (Am I the only one who finds it ironic that a man who got away with murder is now in jail for trying to steal football cards?)
Assuming that he doesn’t get locked up long term (a real possibility from what I understand) OJ has clearly surpassed Mike Tyson as the athlete most likely to end up in a bizarre news story. In hindsight we really should have seen this coming a long time ago. If you think back on it, that infamous white Bronco chase in June of 1994 was one of the five or ten most bizarre things that happened on a national scale in most of our lifetimes.
At the time everyone was still in shock, not wanting to believe that he did it, confused, etc. and no one really considered just how bizarre the whole thing was. You have whole convoy of cops chasing a 40 mile an hour vehicle, with OJ inside with a gun to his head. What was this all about anyway?
And how did they not make a video game out of this? Is it too late to make a video game where you have to drive a white Bronco through the streets of LA while being chased by the cops, and have to make it back to Brentwood before OJ shoots himself? Wouldn’t this be the most addictive game since Crazy Taxi?
(Random useless fact #1 - The owner of my favorite local restaurant, Pullano’s, actually owns a white Bronco with the personalized license plate NOT OJ. You can’t make this kind stuff up.)
On a serious note though OJ really provides us a microcosm of how the media and the general public’s perception of athletes has changed over the last 15-20 years. For a long time it never made sense to me how OJ could have been acquitted in his criminal trial, but convicted in his civil trial. Looking back it all makes sense.
For longer than I am willing to admit I believed that OJ might be innocent, and looking back it was really for no other reason than that I didn’t want to believe he did it. (Much in the same way that many Pete Rose fans didn’t want to believe that he bet on baseball despite the overwhelming evidence.)
At the criminal trial the story was still fresh enough that some very skilled attorneys were able to put doubt into the minds of jurors who may have wanted to believe he was innocent in the first place. By the time the civil trial came around many of the doubters had come to terms with the fact that he did it.
If this happened today he never would have gotten off. These days when an athlete gets into trouble he is guilty until proven innocent. Look at Michael Vick, he was convicted the day the story hit the airwaves, no one ever even tried to argue that he was innocent. The problem is that we have gone so far to the other end of the spectrum now that we are getting to the point of punishing athletes unfairly, which is what I will discuss later.
Getting back to OJ’s current situation I just find it hilarious that a 60-year-old man can continue to get himself into so much trouble. Really the only thing that would make this funnier is if tomorrow he told the media that he wasn’t trying to recover stolen memorabilia, but instead broke into the hotel room because he thought he had found the real killers.
(Random useless fact #2 - If I could have any single piece of OJ memorabilia it would definitely be the oversize afro-wig from the 70’s flashback scene in Naked Gun 33 1/3).
Reportedly, among the memorabilia was a photograph of OJ with J. Edgar Hoover. Now, this isn’t to suggest anything about OJ, but I always kind of wondered about what was up with that Kato Kaelin guy.
Now it’s time for a brief word from one of our sponsors. MJB Coffee, which I just started brewing a pot of. Now you might be asking, why MJB, who drinks MJB anymore, you mean you didn’t go to Starbucks?!? (I have just spent the past few minutes saying that last sentence in my best Gilbert Gottfried voice.) Actually, I didn’t. The last time I was at Safeway, MJB was on sale and I got a 2 and a half pound can for $5.99 which is about as much as you can get 2 small drinks at Starbucks for thank you very much. (On a side note a majority of this savings is offset by the fact that every time my wife makes coffee she puts in way too much. Often times, to the point that the water overflows the sides of the filter and you to end up with the, “with pulp” version of coffee.)
Speaking of my wife, her fantasy football team “Romo=Homo” (she’s an Eagle’s fan, I’m a Cowboy’s fan) is now 2-0, and she had this week’s high score in our 14 team league. Now, I have to spend the next week staring at a little banner that says this week’s high score is “Romo=Homo” and hearing about it from her. I will now light myself on fire.
And with that we get to our first game of the week, and that would of course be the one that every fantasy football player is talking about, Cincinnati at Cleveland? To give you an idea of how unexpected the Cleveland Browns' 51 point outburst Sunday, let me set the scene for you as far as how bad these guys have been recently.
I have had Direct TV’s football package since 2001 and over the past 6 plus seasons have perfected the art of watching every game. I start the morning by cruising through each game trying to get an idea of what’s going on where. Usually, by halftime I have managed to filter out the blowouts and by the end I have narrowed down to 3 or 4 choice games that I rotate between. Evidently the Browns never end up in that rotation because….
Among the things that I learned about Browns' quarterback Derek Anderson, who evidently appeared in 5 games and attempted 117 passes last season, was that he was white. Not only that but he sports facial hair that has Big Sky Conference written all over it (Oregon State, not far off).
Last season he threw 8 interceptions and only 5 touchdown passes, setting the world on fire with a quarterback rating of 63.1. (No wonder I had never seen him before.) He started the season as the back-up to Charlie Frye, who played so poorly in Week 1 that he got traded, starting an inevitable procession from Frye to Anderson to first round pick Brady Quinn starting by about Week 6.
Only, to the aghast of everyone, instead of acting the part of the 213 th pick in the 2005 draft, Anderson ended up looking more like the second coming of Otto Graham. (Did anyone notice no one is ever named Otto anymore?) He matched his previous career total of 5 touchdown passes with only 1 interception and passed for 328 yards in the 51-45 victory.
Coach Romeo Crennel’s plan was clear from the beginning, to beat Cincinnati at its own game and just try to outscore them. Amazingly it worked (imagine the Atlanta Hawks just deciding hey we’re going to just try and outscore the Suns tonight). The Bengals were caught completely off guard, and as a result of having to adjust in mid flight to a wide open passing game they ended up allowing Jamal Lewis to gash them for over 215 rushing yards on top of everything else.
Crennel should be the early front runner for coach of the year based on this game only. The best part is that he kept his foot on the gas and never swayed from his plan the entire time. To me the turning point in the game was about halfway through the 4 th quarter on what initially looked like a tremendous blunder.
The Browns had the ball at about midfield 4th and 1 with a 10 point lead. Conventional wisdom would have been to punt and try and pin them deep with a 2 possession lead. The Browns elected to go for it, and were stopped. With good field position the Bengals quickly scored a touchdown to cut the lead to 3. Despite the negative outcome the message had been sent. We can’t let up, we got here playing aggressive, and if we go down we’re going down swinging.
And that attitude is why Cleveland came right back and scored on the next possession and eventually won the game. I find it amazing how many teams lose games trying to protect leads when they should be trying to extend them. Go for the jugular I say. Kudos Mr. Crennel, you beat a more talented team at its own game. That is a true rarity.
Just before the 2 minute warning in the first half I flipped to the Falcons and Jacksonville Jaguars game just in time to hear the announcer mention that Atlanta was getting ready to enter the red zone for the first time this season. They would score their only points of the 13-7 loss a minute and a half later. In other news, Arthur Blank kicked himself in the ass for trading Matt Schaub once for each of the 7 times that Joey Harrington was sacked yesterday.
Speaking of Schaub, he looked impressive for a second straight week in leading the Houston Texans to a 34-21 win over the Carolina Panthers. Between Schaub and Ahman Green, Houston really seems to have turned the corner on offense. A legitimate running threat has allowed Schaub the time to find his talented targets such as Andre Johnson who had a monster game on Sunday. (There is some concern that Johnson could miss a few weeks after banging up his knee but the injury is not thought to be serious.)
The Texans also feature a pair of underrated pass catching tight ends in Owen Daniel and Jeb Putzier. I noticed that Schaub was particularly effective when going play action to the right, followed by a naked bootleg to the left, then finding the tight end across the middle. They were eating up the Panthers on this play yesterday, but they didn’t run it enough.
I expected the New Orleans Saints to take a step back this year, but I thought it would be because of defense. There is no excuse for a team that has Drew Brees, Reggie Bush, Deuce McAllister, and Marques Colston to be this bad on offense. They have looked completely out of sync so far. Still, they have too much talent not to get going eventually and 14 garbage time points might be the jump start they need. I don’t expect the Saints to make the playoffs or even go .500 at this point, but they will score points eventually. Buy low on Saints players in fantasy leagues now, and thank me later.
Speaking of fantasy football, Larry Johnson’s 16 carry 55 yard performance against Chicago yesterday didn’t do anything to boost the confidence of his fantasy owners. If I was an LJ owner I just might stash away Priest Holmes, who is eligible to come off the PUP Week 6, just in case the Chiefs really do decide to give Johnson the year off.
Last week while everyone was rushing to grab Derrick Ward after Brandon Jacobs’ injury I quietly picked up Reuben Droughns. My thinking was that it seems like whoever has Droughns every year starts him about fifth on their depth chart because he isn’t very exciting or explosive and by the end of the year decides he is their best back. Well, Ward had a solid 15 carry 90 yard performance while Droughns had 0 carries. I am still not ready to admit I missed on this one quite yet though. (The savvy fantasy owner might want to stash away Tiki Barber just in case.)
The 49ers, Packers, Texans, and Lions are all off to a 2-0 start. I’m going to say Green Bay and San Francisco fall off. The Texans and Lions (assuming Mike Martz doesn’t get John Kitna killed) keep it up. I like what I’ve seen from these two teams. Even the Cardinals upset the Seahawks yesterday, and should be 2-0. (They only lost the 49ers game because of over conservative coaching.) If the Texans, Lions, and Cardinals all win their division culminating with a Cardinals victory at University of Phoenix Stadium in February we could officially have the “bizarro” NFL season this year. YEAH RIGHT!?!?!
That will never ever happen because the New England Patriots are officially unstoppable. Now that we know Randy Moss is still the same Randy Moss, has there ever been anything more unfair in the history of sports Moss and Tom Brady on the same team? Never in the history of the league has there been a more talented receiver/quarterback tandem. As great as Peyton Manning/Marvin Harrison are and Joe Montana/Jerry Rice were, the difference is in the physical gifts. Harrison and Rice both possess above average physical skills and superhuman work ethic. Moss is the most physically gifted receiver to ever play the game. If he stays healthy and committed who knows what he can do this year.
Coming next week, “Why Tom Brady is the best quarterback of all-time,” and “The real Patriotgate!!!”
And now for the promised pieces about Owens and Vick.
“Why Terrell Owens should be President”
1. Honesty. Remember when Presidents were supposed to be honest. Take honest Abe Lincoln for example. He did a pretty good job. I don’t think they would have called him honest Abe if he wasn’t abnormally honest.
Much like our 16 th President Owens is abnormally honest. Honest to a fault in fact. He simply can not tell a lie. When people ask him why they lost the Superbowl he said, “McNabb got tired.” It wasn’t the popular thing to say, but he was being honest.
I would like to think he is the kind of guy then when ask why we are at war would say something along the lines of, “so Dick Cheney can make a lot of money on Haliburton stock.” Now that’s the kind of President we need.
2. Experience. Although he has never held a political office he did have an unsuccessful campaign for governor of California as featured on Kenny Mayne’s, “Mayne Event” on the ESPN pre-game show a few years ago.
3. His middle name is Eldorado which translates in English to, “The Golden One.” Not really sure what this has to do with anything, but this is something I like to bring up.
4. After firing David Joseph, the agent who botched his departure from San Francisco, and firing Kim Etheridge the publicist who botched the handling of his Vicodin overdose he has shown a willingness to clean house when necessary.
5. He is from Tennessee-Chattanooga where instead of the “Skull and Bones Society” they have the “Wings and Drumsticks Society.”
“Why Michael Vick isn’t such a bad guy”
I would first like to add a disclaimer than I am a life long dog owner with nothing but love for dogs. In no manner do I support or condone the fighting of dogs. I fully support the illegality of dog fighting, and hope that Vick’s situation will open the eyes of others who are involved with dog fighting and cause them to give it up.
Here is what I have a problem with. Regardless of Vick’s level of involvement in dog fighting, and it was extensive, many members of the media have taken it too far. I even heard one idiot go as far as to say that someone like Michael Vick is likely to go on to become a serial killer. Now let’s get some perspective here.
One of the biggest problems with a lot of Americans is that many of us live inside of a bubble. We only see what is happening around us and don’t pay much attention to what is happening in other countries or even other cultures within our own country.
(In his book Stupid White Men author Michael Moore gives a good example of this when he mentions that most Americans don’t know who the president of Mexico is. Fair enough, he’s right. We should probably know who the president of a neighboring country is. I know a lot of people don’t like Michael Moore but he makes some good points in this book. On the other hand I tried to read one of his other books Estupido Hombre’s Blanco and it was written in some kind of foreign language so I don’t recommend that one quite so much.)
In other words if you didn’t grow up in the area of the country that Michael Vick did then you were likely never exposed to dog fighting and you probably find it disgusting. I’m right there with you.
But let’s imagine for a second that you are in Vick’s shoes. Now all of this is hypothetical, but let’s say you’re a kid 10-12 years old and your dad or your uncle or some adult you respect takes you to a dog fight. Let’s say you go there and see some other people you know from around town there. Maybe this seems a little more normal to you know.
Then let’s say you get a little older and you and your buddies are going to the dog fights when you are in high school. Say you start talking about how you would like get into the business when you get a little older. You like the action, you like the gambling, you like the excitement. Your friends and family are all involved in it. You know it’s illegal, but maybe you don’t think it’s that big a deal. “It’s just a dog fight. Everybody’s doing it.”
Then let’s say you get a little older and suddenly you aren’t a broke little kid anymore, but instead you are a pro football player making millions of dollars. All of your buddies on the other hand are still broke, and let’s say one of them comes to you and says, “remember, we always talked about doing the dogs, I know you got the money.”
Money doesn’t come with an instruction booklet you know. No one ever sat down and explained to you that you are too famous to be involved in dog fighting now. You’re just helping some buddies make a living. Then all of a sudden one day the cops show up, and you are going to jail and your career might be over.
Does this maybe sound like what might have happened?
I’m not making any excuses for anyone here, just trying to show you that every story has two sides. There is nothing right about anything Michael Vick did, all I am trying to say is that maybe he isn’t as bad a guy as he seems to be. Everybody makes mistakes.
Finally, to wrap things up we have a quick prediction on the Monday Night Game, between my two least favorite teams the Eagles and the Redskins. Both teams looked terrible last week, but Washington managed to eek out a victory against Miami so I’ll take the ‘Skins and the 7 points.
