We Got Him! We Got Him! Daisuke Matsuzaka
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by user Josh Q. Public
Josh Q. Public: Things will happen while they can…It’s easy when you’re big in Japan.
Public Service Announcement:
OK, here we go! What’s crack-a-lacking sports fans? Happy day, oh happy day. Screw ‘em. Screw ‘em all! From Buster Olney to Greg Dovel to Tom Verducci to bitter, sour grape eatin’ Yankee fans everywhere. We got him! We really got him! I don’t care how much money we spent. Like my main man the Hit Dog, Mo Vaughn, always says: “It’s not about the money.” No it’s not. It’s about winning ballgames. And last I checked, pitching wins ball games. See Chris Carpenter and the St. Louis Cardinals. See the entire White Sox staff. See Curt Schilling and the Boston Red Sox. You’re only as good as your next starter and all that. Well our next starter is Daisuke Matsuzaka. Make sure you spell it right. The Gem of Japanese Baseball. The Heaven Sent Child of Koshien. I have my new favorite baseball player and he goes by the name of D-Mat. Gy-ro-mite! JJ Evans style. Let me be the first American member of Generation Matsuzaka. I can’t wait to go down to Twins and get my brand spankin’ new #18 Red Sox jersey. Barry Zito, who needs him? Jason Schmidt? You can have him. I want this guy right here. He’s got Jeff Ruland/Rick Mahorn stuff. You remember. McFilthy and McNasty. Johnny Most style. His fastball topped out over 100mph at the Athens Olympics. He’s not afraid to throw that cheese inside either. I’m looking at you A-Broad. The best slider in baseball today. A knee buckling, mind bending, world beating pitch sure to amaze and mystify. Put those pitches together with a Peteylike change and the demon gyroball, you get half man half incredible. We needed a guy with experience and stamina. Well, that’s what we got. His talent and work ethic are unmatched. From Sawamura Award to Cy Young Award, D-Mat will deliver. ”I’ve watched him on video,” said Phillies manager Charlie Manuel, “and with his stuff, he could win 25 games in our league.” You hear that sports fans? Huh, did you? And don’t you dare make those stupid Fat Pussy Toad comparisons. That guy was nowhere near D-Mat. Couldn’t touch him with a ten foot chop stick. Our guy dominated in Japan and he dominated in the World Baseball Classic. He’s going to dominate in The Show, don’t you worry. So do me a favor, wouldya, wake the damn Bambino so D-Mat can drill him in the ass.
Peace out homies. Six Two and Even! josh q public
