Ways to Confuse Trent Green on Halloween…Inspired by Travis Johnson
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by LastRow
Halloween is right around the corner. If you're looking for something to do like getting scared at the haunted house, getting lost in a corn maze or you’re the type that gets joy at playing jokes on the boogerheads that always ring your damn doorbell when you’re trying to eat dinner…Always yelling “Trick or Treat” so the dead can hear them, then good newz, only 21 more days until the doorbell short circuits!
On the heels of Travis Johnson having these words of WIS-DUMB…“It was a malicious hit, Travis Johnson said. ``It was uncalled for. He's like the scarecrow. He wants to get courage while I wasn't looking and hit me in my knee instead of trying to hit me in my head. God don't like ugly, you know what I mean?" Which later he did apologize for…Although so did Marion Jones, Michael Vick, Clinton Portis, I think you get the picture. Just a few things worth mentioning here…Um, Trav, in case you hadn’t realized, football’s a malicious game! Scarecrow…Courage? Looks like he was unconscious…Maybe dreaming of the Wizard of Oz? Although I didn’t have the best view, I don’t have HD. God, I thought I did an offensive last week as this 90-year old granny called out “BINGO” before I did down at the bingo hall! All I did was sabotage both of her hearing aids…Needless to say, that was the last time she had bingo!
Although in Green’s case, lying there motionless as you bumped your gums together, well, I bet he was wishing that he indeed in fact had a brain that wasn’t scrambled! That he really did “have a brain”. It’s kind of like that whole drug campaign in the early ‘90s on the boob tube that said, “This is your brain....this is your brain on drugs...Any questions?” Remember that? Well, they neglected to tell us that’s what Trent Green’s brain was going to look like!
Nonetheless LastRowSports.com has learned that Travis Johnson is still steamed over what kind of bull sh@t Trent pulled, and has vowed to have a little fun with him on Halloween. What kind of fun? What does the Tra-Man mean by fun? And how? Well, we’ve done some digging, and have discovered a shopping list of things Big Johnson has planned for Green, “The Trick-Or-Treater”! Well how will TJ know TG’s coming and what his costume will be…Well, that’s real easy! Trent Green’s Halloween costume will be making like a bobblehead and going as himself! Like I said, easy!
Travis’s “Thing’s to do to Trent Green on Halloween List.” See if those scrambled eggs are still cooking or if they’re are indeed “Moon Over Miami?”…Isn’t it so much fun to play practical jokes on a concussed guy who thinks his name is Batman and mistakes Chris Chambers for Robin? I bet Chambers has that mistaken identity thing going all the time.
“Thing’s to do to Trent Green on Halloween List” – by Travis Johnson
Give away something other than candy (toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
Wait behind the door until Trent comes. When he gets near the door, jump out wearing a costume and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat". Look at him, scratch your head, and act confused…Because you know he will!
Fill a briefcase with marbles. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When Green comes, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here…I gathered up all your marbles you seem to have missing." Give him the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
Get about 30 people to wait in your living room with the likes of Ted Johnson, Zach Thomas, Merrill Hoge, Steve Young, Dan Morgan, Troy Aikman, and perhaps even Andre Waters may show up, (it is Halloween) etc.. When TG comes to the door, say, "Come in". When he does, have everyone yell, "Surprise!" Act like it's a surprise concussion reunion party.
Get him to come in and see if he can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.
After you give him candy, hand Trent a bill.
Open the door dressed as a giant fish, (or Dolphin in this case). Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until Green goes away. (Stretcher not included)
When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell "Crawl for it"!
When you answer the door, look at Trent, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off, “It’s Alive, it’s alive.”
Insist that Trent do ten push-ups before you give him any candy. (See if in fact he can still count that high)
Hand out a menu to him and let him order his candy. Keep asking he if wants to see the wine list.
Get a catapult. Sit on the porch and catapult pumpkins at him when he comes within 50 yards of your house. (See if he still has “Read & Recognition” down or is that “Speed & Mobility”)
When he comes to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from the house, yelling “You’re not taking my “Candy Passing Outer” career away from me too!”
Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at him for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar. (He has scrambled eggs…This should really work)
Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If he protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter….And besides, he’s missing a lot!
Answer the door dressed as a Nero sergeant…Give him a two-hour lecture on why his football career should be over. (See Evander Holyfield)
Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and then say, “Oh my gosh, is this what your brain currently looks like?” (No preference on the kind of M & M’s)
Hand out bottles of aspirin…And say, “I think you can use this more so than the Baby Ruth’s & Milky Way’s!”
Travis’s kid dresses up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at him. Slam the door when you're finished…And then say, “Travis Johnson’s my dad you insensitive prick!”
Now we all have learned from Sunday, Travis has a way with words…Although, it’s safe to say that he didn’t passed that “Public Speaking” course in college. The same one that’s a requirement for all students, but then again he wasn’t a student…Just a football player! Big difference! He has been known to open cake hole and insert foot too on Halloween…Surprisingly enough, he hasn’t been brought up on any types of charges! I don’t know if they’re Halloween pickup lines or what, but as we’ve all learned Sunday…Travis Johnson comes up a lot of sense short of a dollar bill!
Some of Travis’s notable Halloween sayings…
She's a goblin
Id like to get a little something in the sack.
Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
Show me your JuJuBees and I’ll let you see my Zagnuts.
Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,
You scared me stiff
I got Candy spread out on the living room floor
