WIS-DUMB…Brought to you by Microphones and Tape Recorders!
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by user LastRow
We’ve officially hit the "Bermuda Triangle" of sports now that baseball has hit its All-Star break. For the next few days, no sporting events that hold any meaning will take place…Although for the Devil Rays, Royals, and Pirates they’re used to it! As sports fans we are relegated to listen to chatter…The rumor mill, the he said she said saga of Kobe "Bean Breath" Bryant, how Michael Vick’s house turned into a dog cemetery which he was totally in the dark on, taking steps closer to crown the winner of "Who’s Now", etc.. Flip on The Bronx is Burning maybe. You think if I were to set my crib a blaze that ESPN might make a production out of it? Or perhaps some might be up for watching some "Glorified Pickup Games" better known as the NBA Summer League. Watching Greg Oden foul out in a glamorous pickup game is something truly remarkable…Given the 10 fouls allowed! Other than that until Thursday, sports fans, we’ll have nothing going on in our lives besides watching Battle of the Gridiron and Stump the Schwab marathons. Perhaps this might be a perfect time to see if I can get my "Free Rae Carruth Campaign" going. If O.J.’s free, why can’t Rae be?
While these next few days in the sporting world will be just delegated to chatter, the Home Run Derby along with the All-Star game will provide fans with rare sound bytes from the participants otherwise not having an opportunity to hear outside such an event as the All-Star break. Not only seeing, but also hearing the boys of summer in a different light. Let’s face it, besides these overpaid, overpriced professional athletes doing their craft, you give them a microphone and they love to show us their WIS-DUMB. It becomes no holds barred…Which is a hell of a lot better than the Hulk Hogan flick! Although they’ll leave you scratching your melon just as you did leaving the theater watching that lame ass movie! Wonder what kind of WIS-DUMB Zeus has? Too bad he’s a mute.
Scratching is always good…It gets the blood flowing back to that particular area! Nevertheless, since the next few days revolving around sports are going to be nothing more than microphone encounters…Resembling the excitement of watching paint dry, I figured lets take a gander at some of the WIS-DUMB that the sports microphones have bared witness to just to see how dumb they really are.
Let’s turn on all those mics and tape recorders and open up the cake holes…Let the sport of bumping gums together begin!
"Unstoppable, baby!" -Warrior rookie Marc Jackson to the Mavericks' bench, after hitting a lay-up during a 29-point loss ….I guess the scoreboard can be overrated at times, particularly in this case!
"I'm glad you're doing this story on us and not on the WNBA. We're so much prettier than all the other women in sports." - Martina Hingis in Detour Magazine, 3/98 issue ….ZING! Sue Bird needs to take some tennis lessons then and trade the b-ball shorts in for a tennis skirt!
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious"- Alan Minter …Scrambled eggs are tasty for breakfast on a plate…Not upstairs in the melon. He apparently’s suffering from numerous brain injuries.
"I'm a golfer -- not an athlete."- Lee Westwood …Have any truer words ever been spoken!
"I'll be back." - Peter McNeeley, five days after being pummeled in his fight with Mike Tyson …Um Pete, where you at? We’re still waiting!
"I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating." – Mike Tyson …Expect the unexpected!
"I am the most ruthless, brutal champion ever. There is no one who can match me. I want your heart. I want to eat your children." - Mike Tyson …The real breakfast of champions!
"My handicap is that I don't have a big enough beer cooler for the back of my golf cart." - Linebacker Rick D'Amico, on his golf handicap …Let’s drink to that!
"(We) should be allowed to wear shorts. God almighty, (LPGA) women are allowed to wear 'em, and we've got better legs than they do." -Greg Norman …Perhaps too much wine?
"Ninety percent of putts that are short don't go in." -Yogi Berra on golf …Only 90? And for the other 10, well, stray birds must have swooped down mistaking them for food, right? Happens all the time.
"My wiener has never been so exhausted."-- NASCAR's Kurt Busch after outlasting three other drivers to win the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile race at Lowe's Motor Speedway …Kurt, do us a favor. Never talk about your wiener again! That’s a lot more info. than we need to know!
"I'm not an athlete. I'm a professional baseball player."-John Kruk …Again, no truer words have ever been spoken! Nor are you a baseball analyst! NutiSystem spokesperson perhaps.
"Ninety percent of the game is half mental." - Jim Wohford …So I suppose Big Jim is working with that ever popular 140 percent bracket?
"I'm a 4-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife." - Mike Greenwell …Does she know this?
"As I remember it, the bases were loaded." - Greg Maddox, asked his reaction to giving up a grand slam …And that’s why he’s one of the best pitchers in Major League history. He definitely knows his stuff!
"Better teams win more often than the teams that are not so good." -Tom Watt, ex-Maple Leafs coach …His team was not so good!
"Therapy can be a good thing; it can be therapeutic." -- Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez on the benefits of seeing a, well, therapist …Therapy at a strip club in Canada. So that stray blonde on the front page of the News was nothing more than his "Canadian Therapist". Why, "Therapy can be a good thing," can’t it?
"It's a humbling thing being humble." -- Former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett on seeing his stock drop as the 2005 NFL draft was approaching …Wonder how humble Mo-Rett Goose is now?
"The only thing that keeps this organization from being recognized as one of the finest in baseball is wins and losses at the major league level." -- Devil Rays GM Chuck Lamar on his team …Love them Devil Rays!
"[My] career was sputtering until [I] did a 360 and got headed in the right direction." - NBA star Tracy McGrady, after signing with the Orlando Magic …Heading in the right direction as he plows into the second round playoff brick wall time after time!
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."- Joe Theismann …Putting that Notre Dame education to good use! We expect nothing less!
"I'm really happy for Coach Cooper and the guy who've been around here for six or seven years, especially our seniors." - Ohio State quarterback Bob Hoying, after winning a Big Ten title …A graduate of the "Maurice Clarett Logical Thinking School" with honors!
"Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win." -Doug Collins …Imagine that and hey, guess what, when I get a cup of hot coffee from McDonalds, to my surprise it’s always hot, too. Even says so on the cup!
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." - Chuck Nevitt , former North Carolina State basketball player.... Good to know North Carolina State campus isn’t known for it’s Anatomy Department.
"Hawaii doesn't win many games in the United States." --Lee Corso… And while Lee stated the obvious, he neglected to mention when it comes to June Jones’s Warriors playing in Japan, quite simply they become a powerhouse and Colt Brennan’s a lock for the Heisman!
"Well, I see in the game in Minnesota that Terry Felton has relieved himself on the mound in the second inning." — Fred White, Kansas City Royals sportscaster, reading a wire-service summary that mistakenly showed the same starter and relief pitcher for the Minnesota Twins…Peeing your pants is the coolest!
"I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." - Winston Bennett, formmer University of Kentucky basketball forward …Really, you don’t say? Does the same hold true for let’s say an ear ache?
"I don't think there's anybody in this organization not focused on the 49ers... I mean Chargers." -Bill Belichick... Northern California, Southern California...NFC, AFC. LaDainian, no Ladainian...Easily confused! Keep on focusing in!!
"We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees." - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks… Putting the one year of Cal education to good use!
"I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia. Not because I had it, but because I couldn’t spell it."- Rocky Graziano… Won’t be seeing him appear in National Spelling Bee’s, now will we?
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"-Greg Norman …Again perhaps too much wine?
"I can play in the center, on the right, and occasionally on the left side." – David Beckham, asked if he was a "volatile" player …Goes to show, it’s not good to hit flying balls with the head.
"There is one word in America that says it all, and that word is, ‘You never know.’"- Pitcher Joaquin Andujar …Imagine how much trouble he had with figuring out 3-2 counts.
With all this chatter of WIS-DUMB sound bytes it’s easy to see how one can get the classic case of cotton mouth! The only way to cure this is to drink lots & lots of liquid. What better way than to grab an ice cold one, or two, or three, ten, twenty…Whatever it takes to help you through this catastrophic "Bermuda Triangle" of sports time period! And for kicks make some WIS-DUMB of your own! Tune back in Thursday for a dose of reality…Until then, Warp Speed! And keep the microphones and the tape recorders rolling at all times for proof of WIS-DUMB!
