Unbreakable Sports Records - The Onion Style
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by Dwalbert
Went to breakfast this morning and picked up The Onion to read over my hashbrowns. For those of you who dont know what this paper is, roll on over to www.onion.com and you'll quickly see that it may be Colorado's most reliable and well written paper. Anyway, in the middle of the paper is a small graphic simply called Unbreakable Records
Here they are in the exact context of the paper:
Ty Cobb's .366 career batting average:
Cobb's amazing feat was accomplished mostly through sheer racism; racism abolished from baseball in 1947
Cy Young's 511 wins:
This record holds the all-time record for being on the most "unbreakable records" lists
Wilt Chamberlain's 100-point game:
Will never be broken because today's NBA stars are team-oriented players who are not interested in selfishly accumulating individual accomplishments
Mickey Mantle's 600-foot homerun:
No steroid can match the strength of whiskey
Carl Lewis' gold medal in 1984 Olympics 100-meter dash:
Olympic officials confirm that this event has been over for more than 20 years
Amateur golfer Jack Gosch's two holes-in-one on two consecutive shots:
Though Tiger Woods has come close, no one has ever gotten two holes-in-one on a single shot
Richard Petty's 200 career racing wins:
No driver has come close to Petty's record since NASCAR implemented "rules" in 1995
Johnny Unitas' 47 consecutive games with a touchdown pass:
Secret to passing accuracy contained in flattop haircut; today's players unwilling to make that ultimate sacrifice
Cal Ripken Jr.'s 2,632 consecutive games played:
No other player will ever have the desire to show up to the ballpark that often
Fun times from The Onion
