Turtle or Drama???
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by Jocktrotter
Would You Rather…
Question:
On the show Entourage, would you rather be Turtle or Johnny Drama? Turtle seems to have the easier life, so I’d probably go with him…but it’s close. Interested to hear your opinion.
Joe T., Wellington, New Zealand
Answer:
Joe,
Wow. Great question. This is a philosophical debate which has been raging for years, on par with the creation of the universe and the existence of God. Obviously, given free choice, everyone would choose to be Vince (despite being the worst character on the show). But Turtle or Drama? I’m sad (and strangely proud) to report I just spent over an hour making my decision.First of all, you may be interested to learn that in the original manuscript of Hamlet, Shakespeare's line was not "To be or not to be", but: "To be Johnny Drama, or not to be Johnny Drama." However, the Johnny Drama part was edited at publication, thus being doomed to The Cutting Room Floor of History, much like Drama's career.
Now, in my view, in order to tackle this question you must consider it from two viewpoints. One is simple; the other is more complicated.
The simple angle is one of transposition: you’re asking if I would rather trade places with Turtle or Johnny Drama. This assumes I would retain all my own characteristics and ambitions. In this instance, yes I would agree with you—Turtle has to be the choice. It’s not as if either has anything special to do, but Turtle does seem to have more free time and a somewhat easier existence. So long as the car has gas and the MLB package is hooked up, you’re free to do whatever the hell you want.The second viewpoint is more complicated. This supposes transformation: that I must actually become Turtle or Johnny Drama. (Since you used the verb “be” I will assume this is what you meant.) They share many of the same benefits, but there are enough important differences to warrant a quick breakdown:
Drama
Pros :
- probably scored some decent B-list celebrities in the early 90s, during the Viking Quest/Melrose Place era; thus, by assuming his consciousness, you would have access to these memories
- in decent physical condition
- good cook
- blossoming tv series
- related to Vince, hence, in tough times, less likely to be cut off financially
- unlimited access to the phrase: “VICTORY!!!!!!!!!!!”
- an avid golfer (this is a personal preference)
- G.L.Q. (The Get Laid Quotient is a barometer of what percentage said person gets laid when attending a party/function with Vince): 29%
Cons:
- soon at risk for alzheimers
- most definitely will be bald in 5-10 years
- the embarrassment of leeching off your younger half-brother; being “out of the game”
- constantly mocked + belittled by Ari
- the possibility of being fired/unemployed at any time
- STDs: I’m thinking syphilis (definitely), genital warts (definitely) & possibly AIDS
- uncontrollable anger
- other, deeper psychological problems
Turtle
Pros:
- most importantly, no shame about living in the shadow of fame, but rather an embracement of this identity
- very little to do but get high all day
- excellent party/event planner
- STDs: I’m thinking Turtle gets away with only herpes; this is an upgrade compared to Drama
- all meals prepared
- biggest problem on any given day is obtaining a limited edition sneaker or driving Vince to an audition
- despite being fat, Turtle is probably scrappier/tougher than Drama; in a fight I take him in a close decision after a cheap-shot to the throat
- a natural entrepreneur
- better video game player
Cons:
- short & fat; basically Danny Devito in his mid-20s
- tendency to get shit on/overlooked
- G.L.Q.: 24%
- no real catch phrase
- this is never addressed, but I get the sense that Turtle has erectile dysfunction
This is only the tip of the metaphorical iceberg. But I think it’s enough to decide. In the end, there is no right answer, but merely a matter of preference. Being either of these guys is like being a ten time lotto winner (as E observes) so it comes down to the small things. For me, I’d take all the baggage for a higher G.L.Q. and a deadly catch phrase. What I’m saying is…
VICTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jock Trotter is a renegade sports-journalist. His work can be read at www.phillyjock.com
-vote here: Turtle or Drama???????
