Trouble Times For ALL Sports Fans
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by user Jamel
Troubled Times For Sports Fans
Jam-Jam productions- #2.
By popular demand I have been asked by DNL to once again show my brilliance and produce another amazing column. You are welcome. God bless.
Over the last few years a great injustice has been occuring at a stadium near you. Some have noticed, some have remained in ignorance, and some are just too stupid to care. Not I. You see, for the last few years I have noticed a terrible trend-- something so incredibly wrong that after each and every baseball/football/basketball game I have attended I leave in tears. I leave with an empty feeling. A feeling like I have been robbed out of a great experience. Something use to occur at every game. A little bonus. A little somethin' somethin'. Like a free prize it would all of sudden appear-- it would make you smile, it would make you laugh, it would make you cheer, and it would always put you in better mood- regardless if your team was winning or losing. But it is gone. Gone like the wind. Forever no more.
It was once only $3. Then $4. Soon to be $5. Before we knew it $6. The madness didn't stop.
$6 or more beers at each and every stadium that holds a professional sporting event. We fork it out like it is no big deal, say a little curse under out breath, and go back to our seats to forget about it until we need another. I use to be one of those people. Spending up to $60 or more at each game, handing out money for beer like it was going out of style. At the beginning I didn't notice what the high beer prices were actually doing. I couldn't "see yet", I didn't "understand yet". It wasn't until I went home after one game and a buddy of mine came up to me and said something that has dramatically altered my thinking-- my life actually.... Are you ready for it?
"So, how many (naked breasts) did you see at the game?"
During the summer of 1989, Pamela went with her friends to a Canadian football game; at some point during the game she was shown on the stadium screen wearing a Labatt's t-shirt, causing the crowd to cheer for the twenty one year old Anderson. She was taken down to the field to get an ovation from the crowd. Labatt's immediately offered Anderson a modeling contract and she accepted: soon she was on posters in every bar in Canada . In late 1989, Pamela decided to model for Playboy magazine: she appeared on the October 1989 cover (credited as Pamela Anderson Ilicic) and decided to move to Los Angeles to continue her modeling career. She was the February 1990 playmate and has appeared in Playboy several times in the 1990s and more recently .- wikipedia
The answer of course was none. None at all. In fact I don't think I have seen any free baby feeders for a long time now. I started to doubt myself. I didn't believe. I must have seen some at the last game? No. The game before than? No. In the last 10 games? No.
Research had to be done. What had changed over the last few years to result in such a terrible new trend? A scientific double blinded placeba controlled study commenced- I sacrificed the last 2 years of my life to discover the answer-- the only different factor- changes in beer prices. High beer prices were to blame for this horrible new phenomenon. But what was the relationship?
I wise man once wrote:
The next Pamela Anderson will go undiscovered for the sheer reason that an urge to expose her breasts at a sporting event will not have sufficient encouragement, due to the inflated expense of ballpark beers.... Pamela Anderson would have never become what we love and adore today if beers were $6 or more in her day. Sporting events would be a whole lot more captivating if the capitalist pigs that control the finer points of the overall experience would have a soft spot for the “groundlings” and hot augmented women in attendance- Clarence St. Sinclaire.
Another this:
"......because if there was $6 beers, not enough people would be able to have enough money to buy drinks for themselves and the girls of the bleachers in an attempt to get them drunk and to flash the crowd..." IlliniEd
It all made sense now. Beautiful women at sporting events were not getting the stimulus they so desperiately needed in order to "free" themselves. When polled and asked how many beers women at stadiums were consuming the average was 2. 5 years ago it was 6. When asked "why?" for the decline in beverages consumed the number one answer was "price". Too expensive. Too much money. Too many single dollar bills. The madness has to stop. I spend hours researching how alcohol affects women-- alcohol increases their core body temperature. Fear of heat exhaustion or less severe, heat stroke, women lose most of their body heat through their ta-ta's. When exposed to the open air an instant cooling effect occurs and the core body temperature rapidly declines. This can be seen over and over again during Spring Break or Mardi Gras. However, at least 3 alcoholic beverages have to be consumed to gather the confidence needed to "release this heat". Without it, women remain too shy and ultimately die. To back up this statement: heat exhaustion and heat stroke have more than tripled in women in the last 5 years at athletic games. ER visits have more than 5X increased over the last 5 years regarding cases such as these....Yet, no one knew why this was occuring until know. Until I exposed the truth. Until I released the facts. Until I decided to save the world. Until I decided to "not move on"!
Now, I know what you are all thinking. Is this all Jamel Bryant of Chicago, IL, thinks about? Beer and breasts? How shallow is he? Does he only care about the wellbeing of women? And, more importantly what does this have to do with sports? After all, ARMCHAIRGM is A SPORTS BLOG, not a girly blog!!!
Well, as explained in my first insightful column, this horrible new trend affects sports a lot! Increases in testosterone result in stronger and bigger athletes. Sudden jolts of testosterone allow athletes a sudden surge of energy; hence, enhancing their performances. It allows a baseball hitter to hit the ball farther, a football player to run faster, a basketball player to become more accurate, a hockey player to hit harder, and so on and so on. It improves the game. And what helps raise testosterone???? Women. Breasts. Exposed breasts. "Flashing" as some call it. It's all in the math. It was all evolution. We evolved. We adapted. We changed. The circuit was complete. Until now.
So, in conclusion. I am not a dirty man. I am not a pig. I am a humanitarian who enjoys sports. Women today are becoming overheated. Women today are dying unnecessary deaths. Sports are suffering. Why?
$6 Beer = NO PAM.
Do you see yet? Do you understand yet?
Thank-you. Thank-you very much.
The end.
Jamel Bryant's second column. God Bless.
