Trading Places
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by user Kevinsecaur
Back in November, long before I'd even heard of armchairgm and when I was just starting my stint as Internet geek ... err, I mean blogger, I wrote the following column. A couple things to keep in mind:
1) A discussion about Tony Romo actually prompted this debate, as you'll read below. Remember this was written in November about the Romo who had apparently turned the Cowboys season around and was linked to Jessica Simpson at the time, not the Romo who botched a hold and cost his team a playoff game. (It even included the line "arguably the best player on arguably the best team in the NFC." Yikes, things sure do change quickly in the NFL.)
2) I've revamped and updated a few points from the original column. I've even gone as far as to change my selection at its conclusion. I think you'll understand why when you read it.
The other day, my good friend Bart and I were discussing Tony Romo, and I asked him if he could trade places with one person in the world RIGHT NOW, who it would be?
Before we delve too deeply into this, there are two things you gotta realize. One, Bart and I are single guys in our early twenties. That means our primary concerns at this point in life are hot chicks and sports. In that order. The second thing is: we don’t want to trade places with someone who has too much responsibility. I mean, in theory it would be great to be President of the United States, but man that’s putting a lot on my plate. I couldn’t handle all the responsibility nor the constant criticism. Plus, I feel like that'd really cut into my free time.
Super rich people like Bill Gates or the guys who started Google are out, too. I’m not speaking for Bart here, but my thinking is: what can I do with a billion dollars that I can’t do with the 10 or 20 million a top pro athlete will make? Plus, do you think Bill Gates or those Google nerds have smoking hot chicks lined up at their door? (Actually, they probably do … gold diggers.)
Obviously, we gravitated toward big-name athletes. Who else? I mean, the only type of person I’d consider switching lives with would be a young, A-list movie actor who makes millions of dollars per flick. And if Vincent Chase was a real person, trust me, this blog would be about 900 words shorter.
Romo spurred the conversation due not only to his abrupt rise from relative obscurity to household name (at least among NFL fans) but because he has recently been linked to Jessica Simpson. Rumor has it that Simpson sought out Romo after seeing a Cowboys game on TV or something. (Side note: I just can’t picture Jessica Simpson sitting around watching an NFL game on a Sunday afternoon. Plus, who is she going to ask asinine questions to without Nick Lachey around anymore?) Anyway, say what you want about the chick being dumb, but she sought out Tony Romo. That’s gotta be a good feeling. And, oh yeah, he’s allegedly dating JESSICA FREAKING SIMPSON.
Anyway, here’s the rest of those on the short list of people in the world I’d trade places with right now:
David Beckham – If this were an international competition, Becks would probably win. Most recognized figure in the most popular sport on the planet and has a hot wife. An added bonus is that if I was Beckham, I would constantly make “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends” jokes to wife Posh Spice in attempts to get her to agree to a threesome. Possible negatives: Becks is in the twilight of his career as evidenced by his decision to come to the U.S. Also, soccer is a second-tier sport in America (unfortunately) and the U.S. is where it’s at, baby. Trust me on this, I went to Spain for like six days once, so I can speak for the entire continent of Europe.
Derek Jeter – The captain and best player on THE franchise in Major League Baseball. It doesn’t get any bigger than New York City and it certainly doesn’t get any bigger than the Yankees. Also, the dude should have won the AL MVP last season, not to mention Jeter is rumored to be dating Jessica Biel. Wow. If you put a gun to my head, I’d have to choose Biel, voted Esquire Magazine’s sexiest woman alive in 2005, over Jessica Simpson. The down side: Umm, hasn’t won a World Series since 2000? I don’t really know, that’s the only thing I could think of.
Dwyane Wade – D-Wade makes the cut because I had to put a basketball player on this list. I might have gone with Kobe, you know, if it wasn’t for the whole alleged rape/confirmed adultery thing. Wade edges out LeBron for two reasons: First, King James has a kid and a baby-momma to deal with, and second, Wade already has an NBA Title. Negative: the NBA has what, like, 27 fans?
Now, during the original discussion, Bart brought up an interesting point. He says he’d rather be an NFL quarterback than a baseball player for several reasons. The MLB season is so long (162 games and more than six months) while an NFL season is only 17 weeks long. Also, you can’t even really compare a baseball or basketball player to what a quarterback does for a football team. Baseball has eight field players and a pitcher who only starts once every five days. I guess you could make the comparison of a point guard being the NBA equivalent of a QB, but that’s definitely not always the case.
There are exceptions to this rule – guys like Jordan, Duncan or Shaq in his prime – where you can say, “This guy is the guy on a given NBA team.”
Anyway, I thought about Bart’s point and he’s dead on. What’s the most popular, most fun to watch and most talked about sport in the U.S. today? Football. And sure, you can always say you’d want to trade places with an LT or a Larry Johnson or a healthy Shaun Alexander, but who is the man? Who is the superstar, the guy who touches the ball on every play, the guy who gets all the credit when you win and takes all the blame when you lose? In short, if I had to trade places with one person on earth right now, it is without a doubt going to be a QB.
Tom Brady – Football resume includes three Super Bowl victories, two-time Superb Bowl MVP, three-time Pro Bowler, 10-1 record all-time in postseason play (prior to '07, needs updated), back-up on the 1997 Michigan team that won a share of the national championship and Orange Bowl winner in ’99. You get the gist. Linked-to-fine-females resume includes Tara Reid, Mariah Carey, Vanessa Mannillo, Britney Spears (the hot version) and Bridget Moynahan. For some reason, I doubt all of these are true but it’s still quite a list. Brady is still in his twenties by the way. (Does the fact that I just googled “Tom Brady Dating History” make you think less of me?) '
The last part of that is completely unedited from when I first wrote it. Brady's resume remains quite impressive, and you could still make quite the case for him in this debate. However, you could make a strong case for a lot of different guys, plus we now know some things I didn't when this was first published. Namely, Brady's ex -- the aforementioned Moynahan -- probably pulled the goalie on him this winter. No knock on parenting and fatherhood and that whole bit, but becoming a dad unexpectedly with a woman you're no longer with? I'd have to say no thank you.
If I had the chance to rewrite this (oh yeah, I pretty much am) I'd add Roger Federer as an honorable mention. Maybe the most dominant player the sport of tennis has ever seen and a guy who will probably go down as the greatest tennis player of all-time. The only problem is that it's tennis, and if I told you I'd rather be a tennis star than an NFL or NBA player, I'd be lying to you and myself.
Finally, I made one egregious, inexcusable omission from this list. I should be both fined and suspended Robert Horry-style for leaving him off. That person is also who I'd choose to trade places with if I could, and that person is Tiger Woods.
Positives: Best golfer in the world today and it's not even close. Probably going to be the best of all-time when all is said and done. Married to Elin Nordgren. Probably worth hundreds of millions of dollars in endorsement money alone, so anything he makes playing golf is just icing on the cake. AND it's golf. Since you aren't playing football, you're about 0.000001% as likely to incur serious injury. Honestly, when was the last time you heard of a golfer suffering a career-ending injury? Has this ever happened? Plus, instead of being old and washed up by time you're 35 like in the big three sports, you're smack dab in the middle of your prime. You can play at a high level well into your forties. And, just in case you want to relive the glory days of the present later, you can absolutely obliterate the Champions Tour when you turn fifty. What's not to love?
Negatives: The only one I see is that golf is not as popular nor does it garner the media coverage that the big three, but here's the thing: Tiger transcends golf. He is bigger than the sport. Tiger Woods is not simply a golfer. He is an incredibly well known and popular celebrity on an international level.
So that's my choice, but I ask anyone who reads this to feel free to cast their vote. It doesn’t have to be an athlete, it can be anyone, but it has to be right now. In other words, it can’t be Wilt Chamberlain in his prime or anything like that. Just reply with what one person you’d want to trade places with and maybe a brief reason why ... or you could just go with whoever is currently dating Jessica Alba.
Britney Spears (Bought low sold High) Cameron Diaz (Bought High, Sold High) Scarlett Johannsen (Can she be low?) Jessica Biel (Obviously!)
If I could make less crappy music, this is who I would be...all that and he brought sexy back too
Sportswise...Brady easily...or Maybe David Wright, but only because he can easily play 15-20 years in the majors, in NY and gets tons of smokin hot chicks...literally, they truck them in...