Top 11 Top 10's for the Moment (Nov 1, 2007)
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by Manny "Desparate Househusband" Stiles
It's eleven, eleven, 11 really crappy articles in one! I've got a tad of time to kill... and some steam to let off.
Top ten lists are listed from 1-10, not counting down. But the lists are written in countdown fashion or if you want to live free and independently, no particular order! So be confused and uptight about the order of things or use your brain and figure it out.
Top 10 Top 10 Lists I'd Never Write
Not that I couldn't; I just can't make shit up and have it sound authentic very well...
- Top 10 Typos on any other website.
- Top 10 Ugliest Cheerleaders (any sport).
- Top 10 Reasons Your Jealous You're Not a Red Sox fan.
- Top 10 Teams that aren't called "Dynasty" enough...
- Top 10 New York Yankees I'd name my child after.
- Top 10 Lists that are a different number than 10.
- Top 10 Times I Was Serious
- Top 10 Athletes I've Stalked for Autographs.
- Top 10 Unrequited Love Poems to Curt Schilling.
- Top 10 Orgasms while fantacizing about Derek Jeter (my fantacizing, not hers)
Bonus: Top 10 Handsomest ArmchairGM Users
Top 10 Players I'd travel in a time machine to watch in person
You'll notice that most don't have much film of them, the rest don't have enough!
- Marion Motley
- Josh Gibson
- Jack Johnson
- King Kelly
- Babe Didrikson-Zaharias
- Lou Gehrig
- Harry Wright
- Jim Thorpe
- Bo Jackson
- Jim Brown
Top 10 players Manny Stiles is liking in the Arizona Fall League (so far)
Not neccessarily the 10 best; just my favorites!
- Reid Brignac, Rays - smooth fielder, makes solid contact, but not for hits.
- John Jaso, Rays - Knows the difference between 70's and 80's music.
- Andrew McCutchen, Pirates - fast and talented outfielder
- Dusty Hughes, Royals - Sweet lefty, future ace. Wish he was a Ray.
- Nate Schierholtz, Giants - gave my kids each a foul ball at a game, then my kids found his Monster HR ball.
- Eugenio Velez, Giants - I call him "Exxon Velez" because he's so slick. FAST FAST dude.
- Travis Snyder, Blue Jays - One of the youngest players in AFL is one of the best.
- Matt LaPorta, Brewers - 'nuff said - still leading league in RBI
- Justin Maxwell, Nationals - He plays awesome when I'm watching, but his numbers say I should watch more!
- Evan Longoria, Rays - Is it the 2008 season yet? Go Rays!
Top 10 Jerseys You Wouldn't Look Cool Wearing
Some of you wouldn't look cool no matter WHAT you wear, but here's the list anyway...
- Rae Carruth - Any Jersey
- An all-brown Packers jersey.
- Oregon State Beavers #69 - hey, grow up already!
- Doug Christie - Any Jersey
- A pink Calgary Flames jersey with "He Hurt Me" on it.
- Any Red Sox or Patriots jersey.
- a cocaine-dusted fur jersey - Michael Irvin #88
- a Dwight Gooden County Orange jersey (pants have a dickhole in front and back!)
- A Dallas Mavericks football jersey
- personalized "Trannies" Home Jersey - with YOUR name on it
Bonus Jersey: A John Rocker Negro Leagues throwback jersey.
My Top 10 Favorite themes for Sports Movies
Many of the greatest films bind several of these themes together!
- The John Facenda documentary-styled, slo-motion enhanced orchestrated sport video
- They win! Didn't see that coming!
- Miraculous Achievement, against all odds only to fall short and moisten my contacts
- More sport than drivel is ALWAYS preferred (except when it comes to nudity)
- More non-fiction, less fiction. There's enough drama in life already.
- Cash grab, plain ole' cash grab.
- Poetic display of sport, acting and photography.
- The not-a-chick flick
- The not-a-love story.
- Leading character (a sporty chick that likes getting naked) gets babe-alicious hottie co-star (a sporty chick that thrives on gratuitous sex) naked and we don't call it a chick flick!
Top 10 World Series I remember
Just as far as their watchiness goes... I've seen and remember 'em all since 1978
- 2004 - I really was happy the Red Sox finally got their win so their fans would finally shut up.
- 1995 - It would have been WRONG if the Braves didn't get that one. Baseball was good in 1995.
- 1993 - Living in Philly and the town LOVED that team (of juicing, blue collar thugs) but we all knew they were overachieving. Don't blame Wild Thing!
- 1986 - It was one of the most memorable World Series ever for more reasons than Buckner.
- 1991 - In my first Year of College, great World Series of Worst to First teams
- 2003 - I like when the Yankees lose.
- 1987 - I went to bed before game ended but listened on AM on my alarm clock radio to the raucous HomeDome crowd.
- 1988, 1990 (tie) - I may have hated the A's more than the Yankees from '87-'91
- 1980 - I was learning to love baseball because of the passion in the area for those Phils' powder blues and Harry Kalas. I was sick and feverish yet waited until the last pitch before passing out.
- 2001 World Series - watched planes fly over from my apartment, a few weeks after the sky was silent. Living in Arizona for only a couple months. Felt "dirty" rooting for local team, especially a team with Curt Schilling's divaness, teal uniforms and Tony Blomack but they WERE playing the Yankees!
Top 10 Sports Cities in my Opinion (based on biases and very little objective science)
Just my fan likability scale.
- Oakland - I'm still waiting for Raiders fans (or the Navajos) to kick the Red Sox "Nation"'s collective ass.
- New York - You don't take shit from no one. It comes in handy every so often - well done!
- Milwaukee - the most classy people you'll see wearing food as an accessory
- Philadelphia - fairweather? Yes! Committed? Yes! They all should be committed!
- San Diego - when you're not getting smoked out (literal and figurative) you still have more options than Pro Sports to root for... your teams are lucky to have you when you do show up.
- Cleveland - Good Sports fans considering where they live... Cleveland!
- Pittsburgh - not an East Coast city, not quite a Midwest town - People who have nothing to live for make GREAT sports fans!
- Denver - You've had your ups and downs and are an even-keeled fanbase. Maybe living in the thin air makes you rational (or less arrogant). Maybe it's decades of Broncos failures and Nuggets suckiness?
- Toronto - the Most Metropolitan Town in North America.
- Baltimore - You are the best and somehow deserve better!
Top 10 U.S. Cities that could support a Major Pro Sports team
Not that some cities that have teams that deserve them... but,
- Honolulu, Hawaii/Anchorage, Alaska - if it wasn't for the travel.
- El Paso, Texas - Hey, bigger population than Boston.
- Omaha, Nebraska - North Kansas City!
- Louisville, Kentucky - has had pro teams in the past and it's cheerier than Cincinnati.
- Austin, Texas - close to San Antone and Houston, but big enough on it's own.
- Tucson, Arizona - it's almost the same size as Vegas and OKC
- Providence, R.I. - Has had proteams in the past. NL still owes them (and Troy N.Y.) home games. Better suited than Hartford. Would confuse people of Connecticut as to who to cheer for. It HAS to happen!
- Virginia Beach, Virginia - one of the fastest growing metropolitan areas of the last 50 years.
- Oklahoma City, Oklahoma - They proved thier worth; I guess it's happening? What about Tulsa?
- Las Vegas, Nevada - it will happen
First 10 Sports Music moments I can think of
No reason, some rhyme and lots of expression through noise!
- Jimi Hendrix's Star Spangled Banner really should be played before every game
- Stickfigure! I mean Mo Cheeks should help every person singing the National Anthem!
- It makes me slightly ill that people cheerfully sing along to Gary Glitter's songs yet few sing the National Anthem.
- Watching Mark Madsen move almost makes me epileptic! But proud to be an American.
- Marvin Gaye's 1983 NBA All-Star game Star Spangled Banner should be played at every game!
- I was turned away from the TV (watching my baby not accidentally die at any moment) when Janet Jackson's Nippleshield aired at the Super Bowl party. I do remember the looks on the people's faces sitting behind me. But thanks to freedom, I saw it on the internet!
- Mike Tyson entering the ring to "Don't Believe the Hype" - Youngest Heavyweight Champ was American even if he didn't go to the Olympics.
- Charles O Finley's greatest achievement on Earth was paying the Beatles to play in Kansas City on their only day off from their U.S. tour when they wanted to explore musically historic New Orleans!
- Dr. Jessie MaGuire's Star Spangled Banner should be played at every game!
- The fact that Kobe Bryant has released an album yet Allen Iverson hasn't! Only in... Hey!
Top 10 Drug Moments from Sports (Good and Bad)
Not a researched list, just the first I thought of... (or have recreated)
- Tom Gugliotta rolls into a seizure.
- How Rock Raines got his name.
- Earl "The Goat" Manigault
- The 90's Dallas Cowboys, '86 Mets, the NBA in the 70's and SO many other teams!
- Keith Hernandez and his mirror-broom mustache
- Ellis, D. - Doc throws a dosed no-no
- Alan Wiggins - first pro athlete to die from AIDS; contracted from intravenous drug use
- Pedro Guerrero and his baseline play.
- Was Sonny Liston killed or really that stupid?
- The cop said you smoked the crack and offered him some... "I was set up like a muhfackah!"
Bonus: Scot Pollard's ultimate PSA - "Do Drugs kids!" - If you do drugs you end up like Scot Pollard? Oh shit, I'm quitting NOW!!!
Top 10 Athletes that SHOULD do porno (or release a home video)!
Yes, I occasionally am not on the 'chair and I use the internet for it's intended purpose - porn.
It's harmless fun, I'm not REALLY this sick... for the most part.
- Serena Williams - But NOT Venus.
- Jay Mariotti - Especially if it's with Ozzie Guillen, too.
- Anna Kournikova - Just let us forget you already!
- David Eckstein - he's "Scrappy"! He probably needs the money anyway.
- Anna Benson - Just let us forget you completely, already!
- Lauren Jackson - starring Mr and Mrs Stiles.
- Whoever is dating Jessica Alba or Scarlett Johannsen, HELLO?
- Dario Franchitti... with as little of him in it as possible.
- Maria Sharapova - the Apocalyse is coming soon anyway. Why not give it a shove?
- Manute Bol - you know you'd watch...
Top 10 reasons I wrote this crappy Top 11 Top 10s list
Hey, it keeps me off the streets.
- You are very sleepy. You are under my power.
- I was writing some thing better before my computer had "issues"
- I corrected those issues before my son turned the computer off.
- I don't save very often. It's more pride than laziness.
- I would be so much better of a writer if I had a better editor.
- I had to post something today or it would have really pissed me off.
- Top 10 lists are a low effort, high impact project. Cliches, gimmes and slam dunks until you get 10. Especially easy if you're not Antonio Alfonseca.
- Everyone will bitch at my rankings, my ommissions, my inclusions
- They'll bitch about my bitching like a perpetual bitch machine should be.
- They'll miss the hidden message: Two is "Who's counting?"
- Don't have kids!
Until next time!
peace and tidings,
