Top 10 Reasons The Patriots Are Active In Free Agency
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by user Drpatriot
The Patriots sign Adalius Thomas, Donte Stallworth, Kelley Washington, Sammy Morris, and Kyle Brady.
They send off two draft picks, a second-rounder and a seventh-rounder, for Wes Welker.
The most hated local media reporter in Boston (and possibly the world), Ron Borges, is caught plagiarizing and is suspended for two months.
And the Patriots still have the 13th-most cap room left, with $7.7 million still left in their pockets.
Yes, the Pats' offseason has begun with a bang reminiscent of the Shot Heard 'Round The World, with uncharacteristically large signings occuring from Day 1 up through the past week. A team that once had concerns about depth and talent at WR, a need for a blocking tight end, and age issues at linebacker now has filled all of these needs. Most importantly, they have done so in the first two weeks of free agency and still have two 1st-round draft picks to boot.
So I answer the question many have been wondering about: why are the Patriots so active in free agency?
#10: It's a cover-up: The Patriots are just making all of these moves to distract us. The eventual plan is to buy out the entire AFC East and create the New Yomiamostonuffalo Bildolpatrijets. It could happen.
#9: To mess with NFL fans' heads: This one is self-explanatory.
#8: To settle the feud between Donte' Stallworth and Kelley Washington: One little-known story is the short feud between these two. Both players were wide receivers at Tennessee and both were planning to enter the draft. However, after Stallworth hired an agent, Washington changed his mind. His reasoning? He thought he could become a Top 5 pick the next year and knew that Stallworth would perform better in the drills that year.
This didn't quite work out for Washington, as Stallworth was a first-round pick and Washington was only a third-round pick. However, we will get to find out which was really the better receiver.
#7: To prove Tony Kornheiser right: Kornheiser was recently quoted as saying that the Patriots would go undefeated on Pardon The Interruption. The Patriots surely can't disappoint now.
#6: The football gods still feel bad about the AFC Championship: It seems that the football gods were in a bad mood when they allowed the Colts to win the AFC Championship game with a huge comeback. Now they're realizing their mistake, and are blessing the Patriots with Adalius Thomas.
#5: To spite Ron Borges: He has been hatin' on the Patriots in Boston for too long now, and an anonymous fan informed Patriots owner Bob Kraft that it would be nice to send Borges to unemployment with a big bang in the free agent market.
#4: The Patriots front office has been, unbeknownst to the media, swapped with the Redskins front office: With the Patriots already having made about ten thousand moves this offseason, the Redskins have not been able to keep up their usual pace, only having signed London Fletcher-Baker and Fred Smoot so far. With an uncharacteristic withdrawal from the market, there has been some speculation that Daniel Snyder has somehow perfected a trade in which he brought Scott Pioli to the Redskins. Rumor has it that the Patriots will receive first-round picks in 2008, 2009, and 2010, as well as a third-round pick in 2037 from the Redskins in the deal.
#3 Tom Brady offered his unborn children to every free agent on the market. With recent rumors that Gisele Bündchen has become the second woman in a short while in whom he has sown his wild oats, Brady has begun to realize the profit potential from the various children he expects to have with other supermodels, actresses, and stars of The View. Thus, he has offered his future sons and daughters to free agents in exchange for signing with the Patriots. It seems to have done well so far.
#2: Bill Belichick is preparing for one last big run: With only one announced year left on Belichick's contract, the Patriots are looking to end his career as their head coach with their fourth Super Bowl title in 7 years. Clearly the least plausible of the reasons listed here insofar.
#1: Business as usual: The Kraft family and the Patriots front office, with over $23 million in cap space, a nauseating ending to the Patriots' season, and many gaps on both sides of the ball, simply decide to do as much in possible to improve their team through free agency. Who woulda thunk it?
