Top 10 Big Hurt Subs for TBS
| 18
|
by Proseballer
Ted Turner bought the rights to the MLB playoffs apparently, he must have thought this was the year for the Braves. Or, maybe he's just a good businessman. Nah. Anyone that shows every damn Braves home game on national TV can't be that good of a businessman.
At first I was excited when I saw Ernie Johnson doing the in-studio coverage, but who was that sitting next to him? Too big to be Charles Barkley, too quiet to be Kenny, is that Frank Thomas? Wow. Out of everyone they could have picked to do the in-studio coverage with Ernie and Cal Ripken, they selected The Big Hurt. Besides the fact that he never played in a huge market, outside of Chicago, and then he was on the wrong side of Chicago, there is a reason he has never been a media darling of the MLB in his career, he has the personality and charisma of a boulder.
Was Dennis Miller busy? Or did he give up on commentating after the whole MNF disaster? Here is my top list of people I would rather see in between Ernie and Cal:
10. Milton Bradley: At least we know it will be interesting. Interesting like Stephen Jackson's tattoo of praying hands holding a pistol. He's in his own world, as is Milton, wouldn't it be fun to be invited in for a few hours at a time?
9. Matt Stairs: He's gotta have some good stories after 10 different teams and almost 15 years of service. And doesn't he just look like one of those guys who is destined for the booth? Think John Kruk, if One Nut Kruk can do it why not give it Matty a shot at the prime time?
8. Turk Wendell: He wore a necklace that had shark teeth on it. And he played for three teams that are in the playoffs, and four if the Mets didn't collapse. But really, shark teeth? Enough said.
7. Ozzie Guillen: Maybe Ernie would say something that would really get him going and he would have another one of those unforgettable meltdowns where he would inevitably blame Cal, Ernie, the cameraman, the producer, even the sound guy for the lackluster show they were putting on. Priceless.
6. Dan Hawkins: Who? The University of Colorado coach who blew up this summer and told his players and player's parents that complained about summer practice that "this is D1 football brother!" He's in my fav five. Can you imagine if someone didn't run their hardest to first base on a routine ground ball? They would interrupt the telecast just to let us hear Hawkins blow up in the studio: "This is the big leagues brother! Go play tee ball!" Conversely I bet he would just gush about Eric Byrnes every time he got the chance. OH, and if you didn't know, he has a blog in which he said this:
I knew we would win on Saturday. Why? Our guys had a body of work that they could draw from. Their experiences had given them what they needed to form the proper frame of mind. All that was needed was for us to go out and sing our song and do our dance! Dance we did.
Dance you did Dan, dance you did.
5. Jay Buhner: My best friend in high school had a life-size stand-up cardboard cut-out of Jay drinking Mt. Dew. Actually, just stand that up between Ernie and Cal and I'd be happy. And has there ever been a more popular lifetime .254 hitter?
4. Bruce Willis: Then Ernie could play the game "Who Looks More Like Bruce Willis, Cal or Bruce?" Maybe Chuck could make a special guest appearance and share his thoughts on the matter. I would pay for that.
3. Vladimir Guerrero: I just wanna hear him give his take on hitting whenever they talk about all the good hitters in the playoffs. Ernie would ask him how we does it, and he would say, "I see the ball and I hit it." And then maybe Cal could translate for him or something, you know, like how Kenny always tries to save Chuck from making a fool of himself when he gets rambling about how bad every team in the league is.
2. Willie Randolph: They should make him sit through every single pitch of every single inning of every freaking playoff game that the Mets aren't in. And he should be forced to write a ten page report on every inning and submit it to the league office where some intern would read it over and then sit down with him and pick through every thing he wrote, word for word, questioning every decision he ever made. Thanks for your record breaking support Willie.
1. Steve Bartman: Wouldn't that be fun? Then they could break to him live in the studio when the Cubs find a new way to shatter their fans hearts and continue their century of woe. I would buy TiVo just for that and watch it in slo-mo and then bookmark it. Can you bookmark TiVo?
This just in, they just broke in to the studio to show the Big Hurt hitting two HR's against the twins in last years playoffs. They called the segment "Moment's in History." It should be, "Moments in history that didn't make history." Frank talked us through it, told us that he was just looking to contribute, or some other cliche sports euphemism. Can you put a price on that insight? I can't.
My hat's off to Ted Turner.
