Things to do Besides Watching Another Notre Dame Game
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by LastRow
Oh man what a fabulous weekend! I hope everybody out there reading this little tidbit had as much fun as I did this weekend! Stuffing my gut with an amount of pigskin that would make Joey Chestnutt have to do his "Shimmy-Shake"…I think I finished a case of pigskin over the course of the two "S-Days". However, don’t worry, it was of the low-carb variety…So not only did the body thoroughly enjoy it, it was high in nutritional value too! Although that’s not the half of it…No, no, no!
It all started Friday night when me and the fellas had a "Guys Night Out"! Or is it "Spies Night Out"? We ventured just up the road to the local high school game…For I had suspected them of stealing the "Notre Dame Offensive Playbook"! In the first three games of the season, this high school was been an offensive juggernaut…Blowing circuit beakers in the scoreboard on a weekly basis. Funny thing happened on the way to the school! We rolled by this Salvation Army shop, and they, for some reason had my big screen 48-inch Zenith in the front window…The same one I gave to them because I didn’t want it or need. Gosh…Now I know exactly what O.J. Simpson was going through!
Not to worry though, my boys got my back and we all got our stories straight, no jail time here, no way Jose… What a relief! I was pissing in my pants scared that I was going to miss the chance to worship on "The Holy Day"! For dumbasses who don’t know what "The Holy Day" is, it happens every Saturday in the fall…Usually the two-hour service begins at 10 a.m., praying to Gods Fowler, Corso, and Herbstreit. And runs 12-plus hours after that. Sorry to say strip clubs don’t have nothing on this! No matter if it’s a game between UCF-Texas, Alabama-Arkansas, Boston College-Georgia Tech…Not even Michigan-Notre Dame in the "Futility Bowl"! On Saturday’s in the fall no pair of knockers can satisfy…No matter how big they are!
Now I don’t know if this is a good idea or not, but I’m going to come out of the closet right here and now! Yes, it’s true…I am a Notre Dame Fan. So yes, I was looking forward to the "Clausen-Mallet Bowl"! That is until the first snap of the game! But don’t get me wrong, I loved Weis calling a reverse on the second play of the game from his own goalline… Why the hell not? Although at halftime I was ready to jump off my balcony…I live on the fourth floor on a river. So not to worry, the jump would’ve only been 40 feet…And besides, water would’ve broken my fall!
Sitting there watching this comical episode of football bloopers, well, I had a lot of time to think and wonder…"Just how bad is Notre Dame?" I mean, I love to laugh, but how did Notre Dame become a Powderpuff/YMCA team? And just when you thought it couldn’t get any more funnier, well, have it be known I have tickets and plans already in place to fly to South Bend to see the USC game. Yeah, that’s smart! So if anybody have some property in the Florida Everglades which they’re trying to sell…Well, you know where to find me! Now if anyone wants to organize a pool of squares as to how long I stay to watch the massacre, I’d be down for it! How many squares? I was thinking 100 squares at $5 a piece. If you want in on the action, you know where to find me as well!
And to think, we all thought the Oakland Raiders were God awful last year! During the three plus hour telecast, besides scratching myself to no end, gave me an opportunity to compile a list of things I’d rather be doing than watching the Fighting Irish do their damndest trying to impersonate a football team… And here’s what I came up with. ENJOY!
Surrounded by rottweilers while smelling of dog food
A dirty syringe pokes you
Your appendix bursts
Falling off the roof drunk while watching fireworks.
The girl you like turns out to be a man
Gamble away your rent money
Buy a puzzle at a yard sale for $0.50, and find someone's stash in it... and get busted for it.
Find a lump in your breast or testicle
Your dad and his pals walk in during your triple-X strip-show
Your mom walks in on you having sex
Walk in on parents having sex
Your fiancée walks in on you having sex
Get an ugly painful fungus on your face for 3 weeks
Have an episiotomy
10 minutes before your doctoral thesis defense you use a Listerine breath strip. Turns out the strip is your roommates acid.
Get pulled over for a minor equipment violation; the deputy finds your cocaine and then snorts the entire gram during six trips to the backseat of your car while you watch in disbelief from the curb. The deputy who snorted all of your cocaine still takes you to jail for possession and being under the influence, when he is the only one who has gotten a taste of it.
First visit to the OB-GYN. The same one your mom uses. After the exam, he says that you look just like your mom. Have a mastectomy
Your name is mentioned in your friends suicide note
Doctor tells you that he has to remove half of your brain, or else you DIE
Get trapped in a mine for 77 hours with 9 other men and no shower
Get stabbed
Go to jail because of an idiot friend, and get stuck next to a murderer
Having a shelf load of gallon size paint cans fall on you and having to pay for all the wasted paint.
Your mom makes you a 4 arm alien costume from chicken wire and newspaper and teenagers try to rip off an arm while you are trick-or-treating
Snap off all four fingernails while trying to open a drawer
Go to the doctor because your wrist hurts, and he solves the problem by sticking a needle into your wrist and injecting cortisone along the nerve, causing you to scream
Leaving the pool hose on in your indoor pool so you can wake up to a wet squishy $1500 carpet in the morning where it came through the sliding doors
Drink too much at an office party and end up humping the leg of your boss while screaming I WANT TO F*** YOU RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW! in front of all of your peers.
Somehow kill someone with a salad shooter
Walk into a lamppost while admiring yourself in a shop window
Get captured by guerrillas
Get left at the altar
Get attacked by a shark.
Impale yourself on your ski pole in the process of trying to impress the hot ski bunnies
Nail your foot to the floor
Take a drink from the sink and your tongue gets stuck in the disposal
Eat a bee that stings the inside of your windpipe, thereby effectively shutting off your air supply
Find out you have a severe chronic mental illness
Your therapist keeps mentioning the benefits of electro-convulsive therapy
Fall face first in dog poop
Get cancer
Wake up in the refrigerator of a morgue
Lose body parts to frostbite
Kneeling before the toilet, about to heave, when dizziness takes over and you do a header into the bowl.
Wake up with no memory of the night before and a huge pile of budgie feathers on the floor beside your bed.
Well into adulthood you realize that you passed up what would have been the best sex of your life because you instead bought into homophobic Christian bullshit.
Fall off a building and on the way down you snag your eyelid on a nail
While looking at Internet porn, you find pictures of your fiancee in a three-way
Find a dead body
Your first day of prison all the guys nickname you Fresh Ass Party…(See O.J.)
Get infected with the HIV virus
Pass out drunk into the bonfire.
Realize that, yes, you are ugly
Try to light a tampon instead of a cigarette
Don’t realize until after you sober up the next morning that the girl you picked up last night is now planning on a sex change
The guys in the bar find out your wife left you for another woman.
After what seems like hours of passionate lovemaking, you ejaculate.
Then your woman asks you to hand her the vibrator…She runs off with your imaginary friend.
Realize your dog has a better sex life than you do
You don’t realize till after you sober up the next morning that the girl you picked up last night has a penis.
Wake up next to a really hairy homeless man with a bag of black tar cocaine in your armpit
Getting shot in the chest with a Roman candle
Put gasoline in the kerosene heater
Fall asleep and your wife cuts off your penis and then throws it out a car window
Your leg becomes dislocated, the doctor pops it back in and one of your testicles gets popped into your hip socket with your hip joint
On top of a skyscraper, you pretend you’re going to fall off to scare your friends, then you fall off
Get castrated...with an ancient (and rusty) tribal spear.
Your tongue piercing gets caught on your girlfriends intimate piercing, and you have to go to the hospital like that to get it fixed.
Your vasectomy went horribly, HORRIBLY wrong
Get a botched boob job
Write parking tickets for a living
Diving into a pool and coming up with a mouthful of wiggly mosquito egg water !!! GAG !!!
Listening to tales of the ex-girlfriend having sex with other guys.
A grenade goes off in your hand
Take a drink from a bottle full of piss
Just before going under, your surgeon mistakenly identifies you as the man sleeping with his wife
Get buried alive
Live in Russia
Realize that you love homosexual activity and you've been with a member of the opposite sex for four years
Subpoenaed to re-blow the President on the senate floor because they must know *exactly* what happened.
Your Brain is transplanted into a cow, while a cows brain is transplanted into you
Get hypothermia, someone throws you into a hot tub, and you have a heart attack from the temperature change you
Decide to have fun with the pool filter and get your privates stuck
Mistakenly grab tube of Krazy glue when reaching for the KY
Live in Afghanistan and look like Bin Laden
Have someone takes a corkscrew and twist it into your belly-button then pulls it out slowly
Get boiled in oil
Cut up fresh hot chili peppers, go to the toilet and the searing pain reminds you that you forgot to wash your hands.
Get a prior sex offender notice from the guy next door the day after you asked him out on a date
You're halfway over a fence with one leg on each side when you realize that it is electric. You strain a groin muscle trying to get over before being shocked.
Marry a woman that vows to stay a virgin until the wedding night, you've been waiting forever to have sex w/ her and finally as she undresses you see she has three nipples and two on her back
Being asked what your gender is, and the person not believing your answer
Get tied to your bed posts and then you get your balls popped by a wooden mallet
Have an affair with a hot, young intern and they just found the body
HERE’S SOME LATE BREAKING NEWS INTO LASTROWSPORTS.COM…We have just uncovered "The Notre Dame Playbook"! For some reason it just turned up in Cleveland…Hmmm?
http://www.jennsterger.net/pictures/jenn-sterger
