The Undisputed Best NFL Team of All Time - A Guest article by TD
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From: http://afraidofedhochuli.blogspot.com/
TD is a friend of "The Hoch" who always seems to know what is going on. If you like his "gay sports fan angle" (his words not mine) let us know so we can bring him back again.
Forty-two years ago the Green Bay Packers met the Kansas City Chiefs in the first Super Bowl. We now sit at the halfway point of the forty-second NFL season suffering through the overwrought commercialized hype that infests our very souls. We suffer here like bitter angry wraiths, engulfed by expensive contests between well-paid, large men in pads trying either to hit or to avoid being hit. But I’m not that socially conscious anti-capitalist who wants to encourage the proletariat to break their chains. Instead, I shall declare my socio-economic and political neutrality as well as my love of football.
I’ve been thinking about football far too much. In fact football has addled what is left of my brain. In this addled state, I have secretly devised a way to know which football team is the undisputed champion of the universe. How? The mascot.
For the sake of time and your sanity I shall keep the descriptions of these competitions as short as I am able. For those of you remotely familiar with football, I shall keep to the proper divisions and conferences; the final game – the Super Bowl, as it were – will feature an AFC and NFC team.
Enough with the rules, let’s move on to the games. Are you ready for some football?
NFC EAST
Cowboys/Redskins. Representing the Cowboys, Mr. Roy Rogers. And for the Redskins, the Mashantucket Pequot Indians. (They own Foxwoods Casino, the largest casino in the world.) The Pequots buy out Roy and shut him up.
Giants/Eagles. For the Giants, we have Hagrid of Hogwarts. And for the Eagles, Sam Eagle of Muppet fame. Who has the lower voice? Sam by an octave.
For the NFC East championship, it’s Redskins/Eagles. The Pequots buy the Muppets from Disney for a record $10 million. The Redskins take the NFC East.
NFC NORTH
Packers/Bears. For the Packers, Sam – you know, Alice’s boyfriend, like Brady Bunch Alice – is pitted against Yogi, not your average bear. Yogi steals Sam’s picanic basket for the early lead. Sam sells bear meat the following week at his deli.
Vikings/Lions. A survey was taken: what did Leif Erickson the Viking find? A quarter of those surveyed knew it was America. When asked what the lion found, however, at least 90% answered, his courage. Lions win.
For the NFC Central Championship, we have Packers/Lions. The lion meat on the Brady’s table has an odd taste to it mostly because the Brady’s never thought they’d share anything in common with Hannibal Lechter. Packers win.
NFC SOUTH
Buccaneers/Panthers: Bagheera of the Jungle Book versus Captain Jack Sparrow. Captain Jack unloads his one shot at the black cat. The shot does not connect. Bagheera does. Say hello to Davie Jones, Jack.
Saints/Falcons: A peregrine falcon wanders the skies looking for his saintly prey. He lands atop a scratchy burlap cloth and waits. Little does he know that he has already lost.
For the NFC South Championship Saints/Panthers: Bagheera traverses the vast forest searching for his next victim. He meets a stranger along the way who feeds him and rubs his belly. Another victory for the Saints.
NFC WEST
Seahawks/Cardinals: A battle of the birds? No. For the Cardinals, Albert Pujols of the St. Louis variety readies himself for a homerun derby against the representative from the Seahawks. For the Seahawks, well, there is no representative. You see, there’s no such think as a seahawk. Nope, the word seahawk is just a nickname for an osprey, but there is not, in fact, a bird called a seahawk. But just because it doesn’t exist doesn’t mean it can’t win. Albert becomes so confused that he goes home. Seahawks win.
49ers/Rams: Yukon Cornelius travels with Hermie the dentist to the highest point of the Land of Misfit Toys. As instructed by God, Yukon takes his trusty pick, licks it unceasingly, and readies it to split Hermie’s head in two. But an angel of the Lord comes unto Yukon and tells him to take the Ram in the bush and sacrifice it instead. The Rams never had a chance.
For the NFC West Championship Seahawks/49ers: Yukon and Hermie come to Seattle to search for the elusive Seahawk. Without Rudolph, they are lost in the fog. The pair were last seen somewhere in Capitol Hill. Again, the Seahawks pull it out.
AFC EAST
Jets/Dolphins: An F-16 strafes the ocean trying to connect with Flipper’s white meat. It misses. Flipper organizes a squadron of gulls that excrementalize the jet fighter. They don’t miss. The jet goes down. Dolphins win.
Bills/Patriots: Of all those great Patriots, the U.S. Presidents, who was the only one to be impeached based on moral grounds? You got it, Bills win.
For the AFC East Championship Bills/Dolphins: Everyone always thought Flipper was male. But as the Pied Piper once used his trusty pipe, Bill uses his trusty cigar. Flipper’s female. And Bill’s Bill. Bills win.
AFC NORTH
Browns/Steelers: Bad, Bad Leroy Brown takes on Rosie the Riveter. Leroy’s a bad man. Have you ever seen that picture of Rosie? She’s a bad bitch. Bye, bye Leroy Brown.
Bengals/Ravens: When 50 senior English majors were asked who wrote “quoth the raven nevermore” a respectable 40 said Poe. When these same people were asked who said “They’re grrrrreat!” 49 knew it was Tony. Pop culture defeats poetry every time.
For the AFC North Championship Bengals/Steelers: Tony reiterates that “They’re grrrreat!” Rosie scowls, “No, they’re not.” Tony runs home with his grrrreat tail between his grrrreat legs.
AFC SOUTH
Colts/Jaguars: This colt must beat a Jaguar XK8 Coupe in a two-mile race. On the colt Billy the Kid; in the jag Jeff Gordon. The flag waves and Jeff takes an early lead. But in his vest another colt Billy hid; he drew and shot out three of the Jag’s four tires. Colts win.
Texans/Titans: Kronos, newly freed from Tartarus, represents the Titans. For the Texans, a man with ill-fitting boots and a bad hat enters. An NFL official greets the stranger, “Hello… Mr. Bush?” W answers, “Darn right, these Tartans wrecked havoc once and the almighty God smited… um smitted… well, he beat em and so will I.” W commits tens of thousands of troops to defeat Kronos. Kronos, meanwhile, razes half of the U.S. The NFL official visits Mr. Bush to let him know that he has lost. W does not concede. The official insists. W kicks him out, shuts himself in the Oval Office and screams, “I win”.
For the AFC South Championship Colts/Texans: W readies his favorite horse to race against Billy. W takes off; Billy pulls his colt and maims W’s horse. Billy races to the win. But there are Secret Service agents at the finish line who take Billy into custody. Billy is hanged for being a “terrist”. The colt lives its next life holding together fifth grade art projects.
AFC WEST
Raiders/Chiefs: Edward “Blackbeard” Teach of the Raiders compares his lifetime loot to that of the Chief’s Kenneth Lay of Enron fame. Blackbeard, considered the devil himself in his tenure as a pirate, captured 40 ships. Lay, however, looted the profits of his billion dollar company and thus the pensions of every employee. Chiefs win.
Broncos/Chargers: Which car holds the most dangerous criminals? The orange Dodge Charger with the Stars and Bars on the hood or the white 1993 Ford Bronco? Broncos win.
For the AFC West Championship Chiefs/Broncos: Who was brought up on more charges, Kenneth Lay or the man in the ’93 Ford Bronco? Lay: 11 counts of securities fraud, wire fraud, and making false and misleading statements. Bronco-man: 2 counts of murder and 12 additional charges including kidnapping, armed robbery, assault with a deadly weapon, conspiracy, and coercion. Broncos win 14-11.
NFC EAST VS. NFC NORTH
Redskins/Packers: The Pequots buy out rights to the Brady Bunch. The Brady Bunch is never seen again. Thank God…
NFC SOUTH VS. NFC WEST
Saints/Seahawks: The man in the brown robe is told that he must face the idea of a Seahawk. He does not quite understand. But with a little help from Anselm he knows what he must do. After his final word of the prayer, a voice booms from the sky declaring, “Let there be a Seahawk.” A bird never before seen appears and flies to the brown-robed man. Saints win.
NFC CHAMPIONSHIP
Saints/Redskins: The Pequots offer to purchase the Catholic Church with the billions of dollars that they have earned. The brown-robed man pulls from a pocket a small book written in Greek. He explains, “This is one of the 512 lost books from Aristotle’s library. It was supposedly lost in the fire at Alexandria. It is yours.” A new cathedral will be built where Foxwoods used to be.
AFC EAST VS. AFC NORTH
Bills/Steelers: Bill tries his charm on Rosie, but Rosie isn’t buying it. Bill does not fret. “Honey, can you come in?” Hillary enters and beats the hell out of Rosie. Bills win.
AFC SOUTH VS. AFC WEST
Texans/Broncos: Who is the bigger ass? Simpson or W? W wins by a cheek.
AFC CHAMPIONSHIP
Bills/Texans: In an election that defies the Constitution, Bill Clinton runs against W. Bill receives 65% of the popular vote against W’s 35%. Little did Bill know that W has rewritten all laws allowing all electors to vote for him without regard for the popular vote. W pays off the electors and wins in a landslide. The election gives way to Emperor W I.
SUPER BOWL
Saints/Texans: The brown-robed man approaches a purple-robed W I and suggests that they agree on a tie to promote peace on earth. W chuckles, “No… just admit that I’ve won and your Church will be assilimilated.” The man pleads with W to no avail. W declares himself the winner. The brown-robed man kneels in prayer. At the utterance of “Amen”, W bursts into flames thus again proving that God’s power has been displayed through a burning Bush. Saints win. But in a strange twist of fate, Francis declines the Lombardi Trophy quoting from Saint Matthew, “And, behold, those who are last shall be first, and those who are first shall be last”. Which means that the Saints actually finish last and I have no idea who is first. Damn Catholics! So much for a champion. I suppose we’ll just have to wait it out and see who wins ‘SBXLII’.
