The Things I Hate About Sports: An Introduction
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Long, long ago, in a house down the street, I picked up a book that belonged to my friend. I chuckled at the title, which is lost on me now, but the main and only premise of the book was to list the things in life that made the author happy. At the time, I was a junior in high school at the height of one of those high school cynical, depressed, and everyone-is-out-to-get-me sob stories (they call it emo now, just ask the first kid you see wearing girls jeans with hair covering one of his eyes and his nails painted black; I never did that shit, though). So, from there on, I decided to create a list of things that pissed me off (or the user-friendly things that I hate).
Using one of my class notebooks, I started listing names (Martha Stewart, Carson Daly, etc.), inanimate objects (1-ply toilet paper, Speedos, etc.), and a host of other things I could not stand at the time (let it be known right here that I was the first to lash out against the Kool-Aid guy before Dane Cook made it into a joke).
Since then, things have changed. I no longer harbor such adolescent aggression toward most of the things on that list, but I cannot hide who I am: a cynical person, especially when it comes to sports. I've seen one World Championship for my favorite teams in my lifetime, that being the Green Bay Packers win in Super Bowl XXXI. I still haven't seen my Brewers in the playoffs and the Bucks haven't been a real threat in the playoffs since the Robinson-Allen-Cassell era.
I could present a list of things that suck about me, mostly simple, quasi-OCD idiosyncrasies like the fact that I unlock the door when I leave the house so as not to inconvenience myself upon my return. And believe me, I probably would if this site were about me, but it's not. It's about sports, so I will present to you my list of things that I hate about sports.
I will give reasons when needed or applicable so as not to make this simply just a list. However, as fair warning to those that think there must be a justifiable reason for hating something, I don't have good reasons for some of them. As with food, I often don't have a good reason for disliking tomatoes or corn. I just don't. The same works with things in sports. Take for example my beef with Ray Lewis. I have no real reason to dislike him. Maybe it was that Super Bowl thing a few years ago, but I can't deny he's a great player. As a fan, I just don't like him.
During this series of articles, we'll run the gauntlet, unapologetically, through the world of sports as it ties to my mind in what is bound to stir up some controversy on the site. I wish I could see the faces of some of this site's biggest homers when their team or their favorite player gets listed.
What I will present to you now is a small sampling of what's to come. An appetizer of bitterness. A teaser of angst. I will probably break it down into categories, like "Teams", "Stupid Rules", or "Players". For now, I'll start with the most obvious items on the list:
Chicago Cubs: If you didn't see this coming, you haven't been a user on this site for very long. My tiff with the Cubs reaches much further back than the Brewers losing the division race to them this year. I guess it could be traced back to their fans, who, unlike pre-2004 Boston Red Sox fans, have always played the role opposite the lovable loser. I don't really even know what you could call it. I've often said that the Cubs could finish in last place every year, but their fans would still brag to you about a midsummer sweep of your favorite team, like an incongruous bunch of self-righteous pills. So do I hate the Cubs or do I hate their fans? Cause and effect. Both. Mark it down. While I'm on the subject, the Chicago Bears, too, for the same reasons.
New York Yankees: Though my tiresome animosity toward the Yanks has subsided in recent years, due mostly to the sheer glee I get when I see them bounced from the playoffs each year, I still don't like them. It's obvious why: they have the money to sign anybody, which means none of my favorite players are safe...ever. The day Prince Fielder becomes a Yankee is the day I stop watching baseball forever. Also, they really struck a chord with me after they signed Gary Sheffield who will forever be enshrined on this list.
The Designated Hitter: The reasons are simple and honestly quite debatable. I don't like it because I think there's more strategy involved when the pitcher's spot comes up. I like strategy, and I like first basemen who can do more than swing a bat. The designated hitter does to baseball what Streetball does to basketball, but I'll save that for another day.
Sudden Death Overtime in the NFL: Although I'm sure Les Miles will castrate me if he ever reads this, I prefer the overtime used in college football. I like that each team gets a possession in each overtime. And if you disagree, see if you disagree with me on my opinion that the Boise State-Oklahoma Fiesta Bowl was one of the greatest games ever played. Well, Boise State would've never gotten a chance for the Statue of Liberty had Sudden Death still been in effect. The bad part: Stats Count in College Overtime. Eeesh. I guess nothing is perfect.
Jim Rome: I don't think I have to explain this, so I won't, but I'll provide a little story for you. A few weeks ago, I had to move a rather large desk so I borrowed a family member's truck. The radio dial was set to a local sports station so I left it. Rome's show happened to be on, so I listened. This was really the first time I've listened to his radio show since I don't often listen to the radio. His guests that day were three offensive linemen from the Oregon Ducks, and upon their "arrival" via phone on the show, Rome proceeded to ask each of them if they were fans of the show and how they had come to be listeners. Not even this guy kisses his own behind that much.
When Bad Songs are Adopted for Team or Season Theme Songs: I like "Shipping Up to Boston" and I haven't gotten sick of it yet, maybe because I don't live remotely close to the Northeast. But remember when the White Sox adopted Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'"? And then they all tried to sing along at the parade. Half of Chicago reverted back to being Cub fans that day. And I'll be honest, I could really do without hearing Todd Rundgren's "Bang the Drum All Day" after every Packer touchdown. It's an annoying song that I wish would never have been made, much less played for my unwilling ears three times every Sunday.
The Ohio State University: No, not the University itself, although it exists solely to prevent the Badgers from ever winning a Big Ten title in football, just the The and whoever kicked off the trend of saying it during Monday Night Football player introductions. How annoying.
That's it for today. I'm not sure when I'll be posting new entries. With the Brewers seemingly hapless in the free agent market right now, there's not much to cover until the Winter Meetings arrive and they move Ryan Braun to left and trade for Miguel Cabrera, or that could just be a dream I've been having lately.
