The Shia LaBeouf All-Stars
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Now, I know what you are thinking…this is not a column about one of those US Weekly-celebrity fantasy leagues designed to get women and some men to pick teams based on which emaciated actress/actor will land more crotch shots on the cover of the tabloids. Well, you are wrong. This team, which shares its title with Hollywood’s newest “IT” actor, is named because myself and the handful of other “bloggers” on this site are incredibly immature. If you channel your inner 12-year old (and I apologize to all of you 12 year olds who I might be insulting), the name Shia LaBeouf sounds like a fancy French way of saying someone has pooped the bed. In the sports world, if a player has $hit the Bed, he has not risen to the occasion for a lack of a better term. In fantasy sports, a player who has Shia LaBeouf’d has had high expectations coming into the year, only to massacre the hopes and dreams of every fantasy owner that has had the displeasure of watching them week in and week out. Now, the Yammy presents last year’s Shia LaBeouf All Stars with my predictions for the 2007 All-Star team.
2006 All-stars QB – Daunte Culpepper – or Dante “F’ing” Culpepper, as he is affectionately known down here in Alayama. He came into the 2006 season with loads of promise, a team that finished the 2005 season with 6 straight wins (with Gus Ferrotte handling the majority of snaps) and a Pro Bowl WR in Chris Chambers. However, and I will get to this in the WR portion, Culpepper suckered owners everywhere by saying he was “healthy” and put up the following line:
4 GP 929 yards 2 TD’s 3 Int’s a 77 QB rating and a knee surgery.
Nick Saban woke up to that mess in his bed and promptly headed down here to join me in Alayama.
RB – Cadillac Williams – Caddy was particularly disappointing after a spectacular rookie year in which he put up 1178 yards and 6 touchdowns in 14 games for a Tampa Bay team led by Chris Simms that went 11-5 (Note: I did not know that they were that good and was VERY surprised that Chris the Spleen led this team to 11 wins). Poised to improve, Caddy ate some Mexican and entered into what will be kindly known as a sophomore slump to the tune of 798 yards and 1 TD. Not the type of fantasy season to write home about. WR – Chris Chambers – for a lot of Mr. Chambers’ faults, Daunte can be blamed. Still, Chambers laid his own nice steamer in 2006. After his 1000 yard 11 TD season, Chambers was nonexistent with 677 yards and 4 TDs on a 6-10 team. Again wrong way Chris, and as one of your owners, I can only thank you with a digit that cannot be printed in this G rated Blog.
Now I needed to rant a little bit about last season as I had all 3 of those gems and as you can guess, my team did not do well. Without further ado, I bring you my predictions for the 2007 Shia All-Stars. I have tried to avoid the following players on this list, but if you are a junkie like me with more than 3 fantasy teams, chances are you can never get exactly who you want. So here they are, and I hope they prove me wrong:
2007 Projected All-Stars
QB – Brett Favre – Michael Vick should be here for the obvious reasons… But in his place, the Yammy chooses Brett Favre. Brett, please retire. This is sad. Sad like Mickey Mantle ruining his lifetime .300 average, and Willie Mays playing on the Mets. Please, you led the league in overthrown passes and are just holding Green bay hostage. Brett, you are wearing Depends and need to go out to pasture. There is a nice spot for you in the Circuit City commercials with Ditka and Elway.
RB – Cedric Benson – He was a non- factor on a Superbowl bound Bears team last year, and they decided to give him the keys? Seriously? Everything about this guy in the past 2 years has been disappointing. He failed to wrestle the starting job from Thomas Jones, so the Bears management felt it was the best thing for the team to just part ways and make Cedric the feature back. Seriously? Have you watched Rex Grossman play? Is there any doubt that there will be 8 in the box every down? I am just perplexed and am calling for Cedric to Shia LaBeouf, spectacularly.
WR – Lee Evans – Let’s sum up the guy in 2 words, J.P. Losman (OK, 2 letters and a last name, as if we need another excuse to dislike the guy). What has Mr. Evans done so far this year: 2 receptions for 5 yards in the opener, followed by 2 receptions for 17 yards. At this pace, he might go off for 50 big yards somewhere around week 6. For a guy who was touted as a top 10 receiver, that type of performance is a big Shia. JP Losman is Evans’ biggest problem, as he has regressed to somewhat of a Pop Warner QB. 97 yards vs. a Denver team that was lucky to win, and then 154 yards and 0 TDs against Pittsburgh?!?!? This is not going to cut it. How is a top 10 receiver supposed to perform with this guy at the helm? Unfortunately, I fell into the Evans trap this year and will suffer with him and Cousin JP all year long.
Week 2 Shia LaBeouf Recipient
Since I could not get this done until Monday evening, I am going to give you the Shia LaBeouf of the week. This is dedicated to the player or players who have disappointed fantasy owners everywhere. There are a lot of contenders from Week 2: the Godly LT had an off week (however this was against the eventual Super Bowl champs – yes, I crowned them), and the Bengals’ D made Derek Anderson look like the second coming of Dan Marino. However, the real winner of the Shia LaBeouf award for the week (and he should also get it for his Week 1 performance) is Mr. Steven Jackson. Steven, maybe you were tired from your Nike ad campaign, or maybe you thought it was still training camp, but 118 yards in 2 games with 0 TDs and 2 fumbles is not what a Top 5 running back does. Owners who took you as high as #2 are irate right now, and can you blame them? I can’t, and I am not sure your upside is that high considering the loss of Orlando Pace. Steven Jackson, you have Shia LaBeouf’d, and I speak for all of your owners when I say, toss the sheets in the laundry room and come out ready to go next Sunday.
-- The Yammy at FleaFanatics.com
