The Front Butt Hall of Fame
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by user Debo
There is nothing quite like the Front Butt. It’s more than just a gut – in fact, it’s very possible to have a prominent Front Butt without having much of a gut. People with front butts don’t get enough recognition in this country, and dangit, we need to do something about it. So, I have created the Front Butt Hall of Fame, to finally give Front Butters credit that they have been lacking for so long.
What exactly is a Front Butt? Well I’m glad you asked. As Urban Dictionary so eloquently put it, a front butt is “an enormous, fatty enlargement of the abdomen, genital, and thigh region that morphs together to create the appearance of a bulbous ass on a persons front.” I think that pretty much sums it up. Let me introduce you to the candidates:
The Fringe
These are the people that may or may not make it. They’re not quite the best of the best, but not too shabby either. Their induction is up for debate; there are several reasons why they should be in the Hall, but also there are several factors which may deny them entry.
Joe Tiller – Purdue Head Coach
Tiller is pretty fat, make no mistake about it. But his front butt features may not be prominent enough to merit Hall of Fame status. There are questions about his potential as well. He may be past his prime, but he’s only a few milk shakes and peanut M&Ms away from being a first ballot guy.
Phillip Fulmer – Tennessee Head Coach
Fulmer is another candidate who might not have exactly what it takes to qualify. He has a huge gut, but his thighs aren’t quite up to par. Fulmer may have been cursed by birth – his genes may never allow his thighs to catch up to his gut. Still, you could make a strong case for Fulmer.
Mike Price – Former Alabama Head Coach/Current Horny Old Man
Price is just about there, but the white t-shirt that’s two sizes too small and the sweatpants may show that he’s trying a little too hard to be inducted. Anyone can look fat in that outfit. However, he still has some significant protrusion from the midsection. It seems too close to call at this point.
Sylvester Croom – Mississippi State Head Coach
Croom is just an inch or two away from having a standout Front Butt. The ulcers that he will undoubtedly have if he remains at Mississippi State for any amount of time will help his cause. Right now though, it’s up for debate.
Art Shell – Oakland Raiders Head Coach
You know how I feel about Shell, and I admit, I have been somewhat of a hypocrite. I have always focused on Shell’s crappy coaching instead of his incredible Front Butt. It’s a shame that the TV cameras always have to show Shell’s expressionless, lost, and confused facial expressions during Raiders games instead panning out a few feet and getting his whole upper body in the view of the camera.
First-Ballot Guys
These guys shouldn’t have any problem making the Hall. You really can’t find anything wrong with their Front Butt features, and unless you’re really picky, these guys are going in the day they get on the ballot.
Ralph Friedgen – University of Maryland Head Coach
Friedgen’s Front Butt is about as close to textbook as you’re gonna get (but not quite). His stomach still sticks out just a hair further than his thigh section, which makes his Front Butt somewhat misshaped. But really, you can’t argue with that Front Butt. He’s gotta be a lock.
Mark Mangino – Kansas Head Coach
Mangino is almost too easy of a choice. He has some sort of disorder that makes him so big, which makes his Front Butt less impressive. In fact, some people might discard him altogether, citing said medical reasons. All things aside though, Mangino has got to be in there.
John Daly – Professional Golfer
Daly is the only non-football coach in the list of candidates. It truly takes a special person to sport a Front Butt in something other than football, which makes Daly’s even more impressive. His Front Butt is a direct hindrance to his game, as opposed to the coaches, and that type of perseverance and guts (no pun intended) is what makes legends.
George O’Leary – Central Florida Head Coach
O’Leary may be best known for his controversy surrounding his fishy resume during his short tenure as Notre Dame head coach. It’s just too bad that that controversy overshadows the thing that people should be focused on – his Front Butt. O’Leary is unfairly overlooked, but not in the Front Butt Hall of Fame, where they don’t check resumes.
Andy Reid – Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach
Like O’Leary, Reid tends to be known for his ongoing feuds with T.O. But why can’t society just look at the positives? Reid’s got a great Front Butt, but everyone seems to be stuck on the fact that he couldn’t handle T.O. I’d like to see T.O. handle a Front Butt. Now that’s an accomplishment. Props to Reid, he should easily make it.
The Legends
In my experience, two people clearly stick out as Front Butt legends. Not only do these two deserve to be in the hall, but they should have statues of their likeness in the entryway. These are the guys that everyone with a Front Butt strives to be like – perfect proportions, size, and constantly wearing outfits that show off their stuff (namely polo shirts and khaki pants). It’s my pleasure to introduce you to the best of the best.
Charlie Weis – Notre Dame Head Coach
It doesn’t get much better than this folks. Weis’s publicity has only helped raise awareness of the Front Butt, as he proudly shows it off (often unintentionally, but that’s part of his brilliance) every time he’s on camera. Weis isn’t afraid to dress the part either, wearing his trademark navy polo and khaki pants every time he’s on the sidelines. Here is a guy who is proud to have his Front Butt, and he truly appreciates how blessed he is. Thank you, Charlie Weis.
Bill Parcells – Dallas Cowboys Head Coach
Parcells has perhaps the most famous Front Butt of them all. Much like Weis, Parcells’s outfits only help to show off his Front Butt, what with his white t-shirts or sweaters along with “athletic” shorts that he wears in practice. He’s not afraid to get in people’s faces too, and his Front Butt will often accidentally knock the person he’s yelling at over, which is hilarious and awesome. He has a perfect proportion, and add to the fact that he’s a relatively skinny guy, and you got yourself a legendary Front Butt. It’s a thing of beauty my friends.
So there you have it folks, the candidates. Do all of them deserve to be voted in? If so, how soon? One thing’s for sure, there’s no denying Weis and Parcells entry. I don’t care who you are, you aren’t going to convince me or anyone else that they don’t deserve to go. The rest of them are more or less up for debate.
