The American Gladiators Conspiracy
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by JuTMSY4
On Tuesday July 17, 2007, NBC announced their new fall schedule and in my elation, I immediately announced, on ArmchairGM the district possibility that American Gladiators could return to TV next fall or, more likely, next winter or as a replacement show.
Like a 16 year old virgin, I peaked way to early during my first time.
But I digress...
The contingencies of what it would take to make the show appear are not only irrelevant, but as a hack sportswriter, I have little to no knowledge of how the world of TV programming works. That is also irrelevant. The fact remains, American Gladiators must be brought back to the light and all signs point to this happening. Regardless of Ben Silverman’s statement that any show featuring American Gladiator’s “[Is not a] done deal.”
Of course my conspiracy theorist mind instantly churned at this thought provoking idea. Consider the following facts:
- Earlier this year, ESPN decided to remove Joe Theismann from their Monday Night Football broadcasting crew. ESPN then offered Theismann a position within their college football organization, which he promptly rejected, remarked on the job as being insulting, and stated that he would like to continue to focus on the NFL.
- The infamous ABC/ESPN trade of Al Michaels resulted in Al Michaels being released from his ABC/ESPN contract. In exchange for the “freeing” of Michaels, NBC sold the rights of the next 4 Ryder Cups, a increase in the usage of Olympic Highlights and 1927 original Walt Disney character Oswald the Lucky Rabbit to ABC.
- In 2000, noting a highly renewed interest in professional wrestling, NBC reached an agreement with the former WWF (now WWE) to broadcast XFL games. This experiment lasted one year, the XFL failed, Tommy Maddox made some type of NFL resurgence and NBC considered developing a WWE show on the network. Plans fell through however and the WWE continued on its downward spiral (we’ll call this UPN).
- Noting the complete and utter ineptitude of Roy Firestone (University of Miami, Class of 1976...Says a lot doesn’t it!) in the 1987 edition of ESPN’s Sunday Night Football, ESPN replaced Firestone with increasingly numbing, gimpy former quarterback Joe Theismann. Feeling as though their viewers could perhaps survive the holocaust of broadcasting idiocy, ESPN introduce Paul McGuire to the team in 1998. Collectively, NFL fans ear drums popped over the continued banter of two complete morons being managed by an increasingly senile Mike Patrick.
And that of course leads us to NBC finally considering to reincarnate the once beloved American Gladiators program. And why does this make sense. Not because reruns of this show have been so incredibly successful on ESPN classic, not because NBC thinks they have a cheaper way of getting to, what appears to be, the pot of gold that is some sort of odd professional sports (Poker be damned!). But because the final piece of the Michaels trade is complete. There was, in fact, a player to be named later. That player is none other than our favorite commentator, Joe Theismann.
Now the Michaels trade officially makes all the sense in the world. No way could Michaels be worth more than Oswald the Lucky Rabbit. No one honestly gives a crap about the Ryder Cup or Olympic highlights (anything worth broadcasting, ESPN already has…), so the Michaels deal was clearly incomplete. Whatever the true rational, the fact that NBC must bring back Theismann for AG is completely and utterly clear. I’m on my proverbial knees here, for all that is sacred an holy in this zany world, please restore Theisman to his rightful spot, as lead analyst of American Gladiators. No other possibility seems quite as clear, it needs to happen, Theismann must return to AG.
And for the love of God NBC, please don’t add Paul McGuire.
