The 10 Sports People Most Likely to Turn into Pumpkins

by Dan Lewis

With Halloween coming on Wednesday, it's time to look back and determine which ten sports figures are the the most likely to turn into pumpkins before the next All Hallow's Eve.

In order to make this list, your fall from grace needs to be imminent, not past-tense. So no Michael Vick, Tim Donaghy, or Marion Jones, sorry.

#10 Brian Cashman

Joe is already gone. A-Rod is next. George has ceded power. Roger is likely to retire, as may Andy. Mariano and Jorge may be going, too. The Yankees haven't won a title since 2000, while the Red Sox won their second in four years.

World Series or Adios, Brian.

#9: Kobe Bryant

At 31 years old, he's on the downturn, and which non-big man lead his team to the Finals? Not Kobe. He's being replaced by LeBron James as the most talented player in the league. He wants out of LA before it's too late, but let's face it, "too late" was last year. Yes, he can drop 50 on you -- something few, if others, can claim -- but he is no longer able to consistently carry a team through the playoffs. He'll be exposed once the Lakers move him to an Eastern Conference team for a B-prospect and draft pick.

#8: Terrell Owens

All's well in Camelot, with Tony Romo having a season that, but for a man named Brady, would be considered a stellar season, at least superficially. The Cowboys are 7-1, with their lone loss to the Patriots, and are in the drivers seat in the NFC. Sounds a lot like 2004, when Owens, Donovan McNabb, and the Philadelphia Eagles made the Super Bowl, doesn't it? One year later, TO bitched his way out of Philly, going into a Derek Bell-like Operation Shutdown. Whose to say it won't happen again? Or, more likely, who is stupid enough to suggest that it's not a near-guarantee?

#7: Troy E. Renck

Who is Troy E. Renk? A writer for the Denver Post who wrote this article, talking about how the Red Sox just ousted the hometown Rockies. Why? For this wonderful turn-of-phrase:

"The Rockies' magical season died on Sunday night, forever frozen within reach of a goal that seemed laughable when the players arrived in Tucson eight months ago. Four games, four losses. A paradise and championship lost.

[. . .]

The Rockies carried this dream for five weeks, nearly made it real. But at 10:05 p.m. the clock struck midnight[.]"

Huh?

In most of the United States, the saying is "It's 10 PM. Do you know where your children are?" To Troy Renck, the saying asks "It's 10 PM. Do you know what time it is?"

Great moments in sports journalism.

#6: Roger Goodell

Okay, this really isn't fair, but someone has to take the blame for the NFL's outright lie that it has competitve balance. Yes, a lie. The two undefeated teams, going into Week 9, have won four of the last six Super Bowls. In 2005 -- one of the seasons that did not end up with either the Colts or Patriots hoisting the Lombardi Trophy -- the Colts were the odds-on-favorite and made a run at an undefeated season. The Patriots have put up 30 or more points in every single game this year. Meanwhile, the most recongizable brand in the league -- the Dallas Cowboys -- hold a 7-1 record and are widely regarded the class of the NFC. With only the Detroit Lions emerging from the dregs of recent football history, it seems once again that the rich are richer, and likely to succeed in the "balanced" landscape of today's NFL. Balanced like a check book.

#5: Kevin White, Athletic Director, Notre Dame

Tyrone Willingham was a very good coach at Stanford -- so good, in fact, that Notre Dame made him their first-ever African-American coach. He had a great first season, an unacceptably poor second one, and "rebounded" to a 6-5 record in 2004. But with a number of blowout losses marking his tenure, Willingham was unceremoniously fired after his third season -- still within his first recruitng cycle, a span unheard of in college football. At 21-15, it was even harder to justify. With racial implications obvious, the outrage surrounding Willingham's termination was nothing short of a firestorm.

Fast forward to 2007. Charlie Weis -- a white coach with no college coaching experience -- is in his third year with the Fighting Irish. Victims of two shut outs and owners of a 1-win season to date, the Irish are not only well on their way to their worst season ever, but are 20-13 during Weis' first 33 games. Weis, in the midsts of a 10 year deal that may be worth as much as $40 million, will be hard to fire. But will keeping him start a racial maelstorm focused on the University?

#4: Isiah Thomas

Last year this time, the Dolans gave Zeke one year to show "significant improvement," and, nominally, he did, as he's still employed. He also managed to get MSG sued and brought back Allan Houston, while adding Zach Randolph to pair up with a fellow no-defense one-dimensional big man in Eddy Curry. Put in Stephon Marbury, Nate Robinson, and Jamal Crawford and the question is "who will play defense"? Thomas' transactions have been so strange that even Malcolm Gladwell -- who has never picked up a basketball -- made fun of Isiah: "just by sitting on my hands, and being scared of looking like a fool, and taking only the safest, most conservative steps, and drafting only solid players that everybody agrees are a can't miss, I could make the Knicks a vastly better team than they are today -- as could any reasonably cautious and uninformed fan." If the Knicks regress in 2007-08, one has to believe that Thomas will find himself standing next to a lot of uninformed fans -- on the unemployed line.

#3: Lloyd Carr

A loss to Ohio State during Rivaly Week 2006 -- with a ticket to the BCS Championship Game on the line -- is bad enough. A subsequent loss to USC in the Rose Bowl? Worse. Losing to Appy State? It's a wonder that Carr is still employed. While the Wolverines have rebounded nicely since losing those three games and then to Oregon, OSU looms again on November 17th. With the Buckeyes facing two-loss Wisconsin and three-loss Illinois at home before their trip to the Big House, it's likely that Michigan will be facing the #1 overall, undefeated Ohio State team. An embarrassing loss may -- and should -- lead to a pink slip for Carr.

#2: Barry Bonds

His head is already the size of a pumpkin, and with the World Series now over, there's little reason to think that George Mitchell's tell-all won't include the new H*me Run King. But the biggest question is how the criminal investigation surrounding the Inflated One will go. The crown jewel in the federal goverment's investigation BALCO and all things steroids, it's more likely that not that Bonds will see the inside of a court room before Halloween 2008. A free agent, how that impacts his search for employment -- and his march toward 3,000 hits and 800 home runs -- is yet to be seen. But for now, more teams are opting out of signing him than tossing their hat into the ring.

#1: Bud Selig

More likely than Barry to turn into a pumpkin? Sure. Why? Because the Mitchell Report is going to name names -- many, many names. And one of those names is virtually certain to claim what most of us believe anyway: "Bud Knew." It is the greatest defense to a charge of doping -- that the king himself knew about it and allowed it to happen, as, at the time, chicks dug the long ball and Simpsons fans just wanted to see Mark McGwire hit dingers. As Major League Baseball rapidly approaches the $6 billion in revenue that the NFL does annually, one has to wonder if Bud has been ignoring the two-ton elephant in the room as the cash rolled in. If you're one of the guys whose name appears on that report -- especially if you were late to the PED game -- you'd be a fool not to point the finger at Selig himself. Hey, he probably deserves it.