Steroids bracket (The Real Who's Now)

The Real Who's Now

Real quick before we take a gander at the North region, or as we call it the Steroids region, I wanted to explain the system which will decide our winner. As you can tell we our picking the winners of the first round. After the first round is over, the layout will be the same except you guys will decide who/what advances.

You can vote via comments or email. Simply a name and a seed.

Steroids region

#1 Syringe vs. #8 Barry Bonds

Although Bonds is a highly controversial, and often hated figure, bracketologists must not be biased when deciding their seeding. In this cut-throat, no homers business, the biased and weak are weeded out. But we're not bracketologists. We're just ass-holes. Sorry Barry. [1] Although, a syringe snatching the No. 1 seed might cause turmoil here in the blog world, the numbers don't lie.

I mean sure Bonds holds the record for home-runs is a single season (73) and is four home-runs away from holding the record for all-time home-runs (756), but has Bonds altered the landscape of multiple generations? Has he improved music, along with sports? Didn't think so.

From injecting steroids to Pink Floyd's The Wall, the syringe was there. From y [2] our first flu shot to your first magical experience with heroine, the syringe was there. From the rapid spread of HIV in the 90s to being perplexed as to how they get all that jelly into your donut, the syringe was there.

But ironically, Bonds, who may have originated all of his super-human power from the syringe itself, was able to simply snap the syringe in half, successfully causing heroin addicts every to wake up in a cold sweat.

Winner: Barry Bonds

#2 Stanley Cup vs. #7 Colonel Sanders

In this intriguing two/seven matchup, we clash a fixture of every Canadians wet dreams against the big kahuna of the fried-chicken industry.

The Stanley Cup is revered as one of sports most historic trophies, making its [3] debut in 1888. Lord's Stanley Cup generates more buzz in Canada than the tragic murder/suicide of the Labatt Blue Bear and his cubs in the mid-90s (his wife Susan was killed years ago by a drunken Maple-Leafs fan, we blame society). The Cup carries many traditions such as: each member of the championship team gets their name engraved onto the Cup, each member of the championship team gets a day with the Cup to do as they please, and finally, the captain of the losing team's wife is immediately sold into slavery for a full calendar year. You know, fun, happy traditions. [4] But with all that the Cup has to offer, Colonel Sanders has more in his arsenal than just chicken. This once steamboat driving, insurance selling, railroad working, army private may be able to upset the Cup in the first round of the Steroids region. Sanders was able to amass one of the nation's largest fast-food chains with only a 7th-grade education. He was also one to fight for social justice. This was seen very heavily in his campaign to end the oppresive white clothing after Labor Day laws. He's known most for his Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurants, but after much probing by the determined PigPen investigative reporters; apparently the son-of-a-bitch isn't even from Kentucky. He's from Indiana.

What an ass-hole.

Winner: Stanley Cup

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#3 Rasheed Wallace's bald patch vs. #6 David Spade

Ah. The great three/six matchup between Rasheed's bald patch and actor David Spade.

The problem with handicapping this matchup is David Spade's inconsistent play after the loss of his trainer/confidante Chris Farley. Spade wowed us with peformances in Joe Dirt, the Emperor's New Groove (voice of Emperor Kuzco), and a brief, yet remarkable, cameo in Grandma's Boy. Un [5] fortunately he's also unleashed such stink bombs as Dickie Roberts: Former child star, television series Just Shoot Me, and The Benchwarmers. Spade also brings to the fore-front some character issues. He was once charged with reckless seadoo driving, however the charges were dropped because the bailiff was in love with Spade's Calvin and Hobbs tattoo.

Editors note: the reckless seadoo driving charge, and his tattoo are true.

As any NBA fan could tell you, few things are more intriguing than Rasheed Wallace's bald patch which is located around the crown of his head. Wallace has experienced constant harassment concerning his bald patch throughout his life. It's even affected his professional basketball career. After an eight year stint as the face of the Portland Trailblazers, Wallace was traded to the Hawks where his career in Atlanta lasted one full game. He was shortly involv [6] ed in a three-team trade which sent him to Detroit. We, at the Pen, have it on good authority that Rasheed's infamous spot caused uproar in the Hawks locker-room. We heard Hawks' GM Billy Knight's son walked in on Wallace putting on his headband prior to the shoot-around of his first/last game as a Hawk. The young-boy was seen fleeing the locker-room terrified at what he'd seen. Because of Wallace's prominent head-band, which provides a target-esque phenomena, there has been speculation that he's petrified of the female breast and won't ever step inside a Target again.

Because thePigPen loves strip-clubs, great deals on men's slacks, and are afraid of obtaining the fate of Knight's son, we choose to rid our tournament of such a horrible sight.

Winner: David Spade

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#4 Kenny Mayne vs. #5 the Fear of Spiders

[7] This bracket-busting four/five matchup has fan-favorite Kenny Mayne battling the Fear of Spiders, or Arachnophobia. Mayne, who is well-known for his days as a Sportscenter anchor and his dry sense of humor, is rumored to be able to bench-press 473-pounds, without a spotter. Along with being a talented broadcaster, Mayne was a legitimate football player, backing up Randall Cunningham at UNLV. Not to mention signing with the Seattle Seahawks as a free-agent in 1983.

Grabbing the No. 5 seed with an at-large bid, the Fear of Spiders, which entered mainstream culture with the release of the cinematic classic, Arachnophobia, is considered the world's most common phobi [8] a. Numbers wise, the fear of spiders has the upper-hand considering there are more than 30,000 species of spiders, and there is only one Kenny Mayne, ESPN sports anchor. Spiders have eight eyes while Mayne, again lags behind supporting an unimpressive two. When spiders bite it could hurt, or even kill you. A Kenny Mayne bite would just be rude, or even result in an affluent lawsuit for the bite victim.

Although we expected a Mayne landslide in the first round, it turns out Kenny himself has a fear of spiders. And he refused to enter the same field of play as the spider, who was nice enough to represent the Fear of Spiders.

Winner: the Fear of Spiders __________________________________ Stay tuned for the West region, or the Loser region.

http://thesportspen.com

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