Sports Movies that are safe to show your girlfriend
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by user Neatesager
(For more articles like this one, click on Out of Left Field, especially if you're Canadian.)
So the girlfriend has called, suggesting the two of you stay in and "watch a DVD."
Since we all know what "staying in to watch a DVD" means in Girl Code, you agree. Of course, maybe you think suffering through Just My Luck -- not again! -- is a small price to pay for the you-know-what, but you must be strong.
You're a man, damn it, and your pals still haven't let you live down the time you confessed that you didn't really mind A Walk to Remember. They still ask you things like, "Pee standing up lately?" and collapse into giggles.
However, you're entitled to watch a movie for dudes once without She Who Must Be Obeyed quietly sitting there putting out the vibe that she’s just politely tolerating your lack of taste, and that at some point in the not-too-distant future, you're going to be sleeping on the couch.
It's tricky, but you can get her to watch a movie for dudes -- specifically, a sports movie -- and better yet, let her believe she still has the upper hand in the relationship. Believe or not, some sports movies are actually girl-friendly. This GF rating really should be put on the DVD cases, but until then, here’s a reference guide to let you know what you can get away with, and what you should steer clear of if you have any intention of having sex between now and the opening ceremonies of the 2010 Olympics.
You need a movie that’s going to have a bit of character development, a charismatic male lead, a little pathos, and last but not least, a movie keeps the sports stuff simple. Pretty much anything that groups of male high school jocks would have gone on a group outing to see -- think Coach Carter or the Adam Sandler version of The Longest Yard -- is definitely out.
So in the words of Abe Simpson, Here you go, you ingrate. Think of me when you’re having the best sex of your life.
FEVER PITCH (2005)
What it's about: Turning generations of Boston Red Sox fans' frustration into a plot device for a cutesy-poo Drew Barrymore vehicle and also shamelessly ripping off an English book and movie about soccer. Talk about a double play! Thumbs: UP. The baseball stuff is downplayed enough and by the end, you get to fight back tears and show her you’re not afraid to emote. And yes, you will cry, even if you hate the Boston Red Sox with the white-hot intensity of 100 suns.
FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS (2004)
Thumbs: DOWN. It turns Buzz Bissinger’s book of the same name -- a balanced look at rural America's almost frightening passion for high school football -- into some kind of Red State porn. Coincidentally, it was released right before the last U.S. election ... paraphrasing something Dave Chappelle said in his Rick James parody, "I wish I had more hands, so I could give this FOUR THUMBS DOWN."
ROCKY (1975)
Thumbs: UP. Who doesn't love Rocky? That's why audiences kept coming back for three sequels, even if Sly Stallone didn't know when to stop. Warning: Guard against repeat watching.
ANY ADAM SANDLER SPORTS FLICK
Thumbs: DOWN. Sandler has trotted out his dumbed-down, passive-aggressive persona in three sports movies, Happy Gilmore, The Waterboy and The Longest Yard remake. Here's what you do: Pick up the DVD box of any of these at the video store and use it as a foot-in-the-door technique -- "I'd really like to see an Adam Sandler movie, babe" -- and let her think she talked you into watching Punch Drunk Love or Spanglais.
ANY RANDOM FOOTBALL FLICK
Thumbs: DOWN. Football movies should be avoided, mostly on grounds of taste alone.
HOOSIERS (1986)
Thumbs: DOWN. Granted, it helps you get stoked for March Madness every year, but the dead giveaway this is a total guy movie is that has a sports movie staple, the killjoy female character; Barbara Hershey's character could be the prototype.
THE NATURAL (1984)
Thumbs: UP. Sure, it's overdone and it the final scene made half the players on my 1985 Bath, Ont., Royal Canadian Legion 623 grasshopper boys softball team turn into strikeout kings because they thought they could hit a ball into the lights, but it has Robert Redford and it is romantic, both about baseball and life in general. Women love overdone. Does Titanic ring any bells?
MR. 3000 (2004)
Thumbs: UP. Bernie Mac will win both of you over. It also has a love story plot with the always underappreciated Angela Bassett, whose buff physique in this movie might inspire your girlfriend to spend even more time at the gym, freeing up more time for you to play Madden 06 and drink Coke Zero straight from the 2-litre bottle. It's win-win.
RUDY (1993)
Thumbs: UP. It's a charming yarn about a dreamer who overcomes all the naysayers, and you can ply your girlfriend by telling her she can get a look at a young Vince Vaughn in a minor role. Then you can show how comfortable you are by saying how much you enjoy watching Vince Vaughn, even though he is good-looking and tapping all sorts of mad ass on- and off-screen.
THE ROCKET (2005)
THUMBS: UP, since the movie is as much about Maurica (Rocket) Richard’s efforts to be a good husband as a good hockey player. Also makes you feel a little good about yourself for having watched a Canadian-produced movie other than National Lampoon's Going The Distance, and it evokes an era where men were expected to wear really snappy fedoras. Must have been a balding guy's paradise.
EVERYBODY'S ALL-AMERICAN (1988)
Thumbs: UP. This isn't really a football movie, but it gets slugged as such since Jessica Lange's character is married to a football hero. It's much more likely to be aired on Showcase Diva than Spike TV, which should tell you it's girlfriend-friendly.
SLAP SHOT (1977)
Thumbs: DOWN. One of the three greatest sports movies of all time, and endlessly quotable, but contemporary women won’t get the humour mined from the physical violence. The near-endless stream of profanity is probably also a turn-off, even if does capture the spirit of the thing.
ALI (1999)
Thumbs: UP. Will Smith gives a nuanced portrayal of Muhummad Ali, plus you can point out Jamie Foxx’s fine supporting work and look all smart and shit.
BULL DURHAM (1988)
Thumbs: UP. Anyone could taken a bittersweet look at baseball’s low minor leagues, but without Annie Savoy (Susan Sarandon), the movie doesn’t work; it’s a little like the The 40-Year-Old Virgin in that it succeeds by morphing into a chick flick once you get past The Funny. It will also gets the message across that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap.
ANY GIVEN SUNDAY (1999)
Thumbs: DOWN. Refer back to what I said about movies that groups of high school jocks went to see in the theatre. This is especially bad, because a cast that has Al Pacino, Cameron Diaz, Matthew Modine, Jamie Foxx and Dennis Quaid manages not to have any character that you root for.
FIELD OF DREAMS (1989)
Thumbs: UP. Granted, it’s part Boomer bathos and part Corporate America's apologia to the heartland the royal screw job farmers got across the 1980s, it's syrupy as all get out and the plot has more holes than the Kansas City Royals infield, but women will get the whole deal about every man's longing and yearning to reconnect with his father.
MAJOR LEAGUE (1989)
Thumbs: DOWN. Full of every sports-movie cliche imaginable, plus the deadgive away is that it's a movie where Tom Berenger hooks up with Rene Russo. Enough said.
WITHOUT LIMITS (1999)
Thumbs: UP. The sports matter -- running -- is easy to relate to, it stars Billy Crudup before he was "the guitarist with mystique" in Almost Famous, and there’s a doomed romance plot involving Monica Potter, who’s got that generic-pretty thing that women typically identify with happening.
EIGHT MEN OUT (1988)
Thumbs: UP. Yes, it’s movie about a baseball scandal in which all of the real-life protagonists are long dead, but it really gets into the motivations that the Chicago White Sox players had. It also has the Cusack Factor, and that alone seals the deal for female movie-watchers.
TIN CUP (1996)
Thumbs: DOWN. As a general rule, steer clear of golf movies. If you’ve been in the relationship for a year, you’re still not in the clear to bring Caddyshack out of hiding. It’s going to take two years and seven months, at least.
FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME (1999)
Thumbs: UP. But only if you're trying to send a message that the relationship is over. Anything Kevin Costner’s made since 1995 serves this purpose rather admirably.
THE LONGEST YARD (1974)
Thumbs: DOWN. It was great back in the day, but the message is lost on today’s audiences, plus for today’s woman, there’s a huge dirty-old-man ick factor with all things Burt Reynolds, which will make this seem like Smokey and the Bandit Play Football.
VARSITY BLUES (1999)
Thumbs: DOWN, even though women might enjoy The Beek and Paul Walker. However, three words: whipped cream bikini.
Put it down, swallow your pride and good taste and try to sell She Who Must Be Obeyed on Remember the Titans. Yes, Varsity Blues is the more enjoyable, more honest film and the other end-of-the-century high school football flick is just by-the-numbers Bruckheimerian bombast masquerading as a "message movie," but it does have Denzel Washington and Kip Pardue.
So what if on some night in the not-too-distant future, she'll be imagining herself with Kip or Denzel? You got to watch a movie with sports in it without being banished to the couch. Does it really matter? Really?
You know the answer.
Date
Thu 07/20/06, 7:53 pm EST
