Simpsons NFL Preview Show
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As seen on Six Pack Sports Report.
With the release of The Simpson's Movie coinciding with the opening of NFL training camp we here at Six Pack Sports Report decided that these two cultural phenomenons should be forever linked in our annals. When we reported on the major league baseball midseason we ranked teams in categories derived from some of the sexiest women (or least sexy women depending on where you fell) in the world. For our NFL Season Preview we'll be ranking teams in ascending order by Simpson's characters.
Moe Szyslak Group
Hopeless. Repeatedly trys to kill himself which fans of these teams might as well do now.
Oakland Raiders - JaMarcus Russell turned one great game into the top overall pick in the NFL Draft. I know there has been a lot made of his arm strength but with that offensive line is there any chance of Raider receivers having the time to run 70 yard fly routes? Yeah I didn't think so. Hey at least Darren McFadden will be a great pro talent at running back in 2008.
Washington Redskins - Nothing would surprise me with the Redskins. Clinton Portis could run for 3,000 yards or wind up in prison for killing a hooker Grand Theft Auto style and I wouldn't blink an eye. I think Jason Campbell could be a decent NFL quarterback but that defense scares me. They drafted the only position on the defense that they already had a guy for which is never a good sign.
Minnesota Vikings - Really? You couldn't draft a quarterback because you already had Tavarius Jackson? I know that the whole sex boat scandal set the franchise back a bit - but at least they were interesting. It's going to be a long season for the Purple People Eaters.
Barney Gumble Group
When he cleaned himself up Barney started to become a worthwhile member of Springfield's society. Unfortunately he also stopped being interesting much like these teams which are stuck between being terrible and being irrelevant. Barney once used his helicopter flying ability to save an ex-girlfriends life. This is the only thing that keeps him above Moe.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Is Jake Plummer really going to be the starting quarterback for the Bucs this season? I have a soft spot in my heart for Tampa Bay as I love the area but this team is really just not that good. The thing that kept them interesting was the KSK boys talking about Chris Simms and it looks like that is over - so are the Bucs. Jake Plummer is never the answer.
Houston Texans - With building blocks like Brady Quinn and Reggie Bush the Texans have a great young nucleus to work towards the future with...Oh wait, never mind. Hey at least they have a quarterback who was traded by a team pretty sure that their starting quarterback would not be available this season. That's gotta be a good sign for Matt Schaub right?
Miami Dolphins - Is Trent Green the answer? He submarined the Chiefs in the playoffs to the point where people were clamoring for Damon Huard. Let that sink in for a moment and then tell me that the Dolphins will do anything at all this season.
Cleveland Browns - I love Romeo Crennel as a coach and I hate to see the way things have gone for him in Cleveland. I mean with Brady Quinn, Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow Jr. there should be a nice core of offensive players to build around. Unfortunately I think it'll be a nice core of young talent for the next guy.
Chief Clancy Wiggum Group
Another embarrassment. Chief Wiggum has trouble with the most menial of tasks and will often lose to those underneath him. However, he has successfully mated, and he is the Chief of Police of a town that almost got to host the Olympics so he has some cache.
Buffalo Bills - Are the Bills entering the season with Anthony Thomas as their starting running back? I think it might be a long season in Buffalo.
Green Bay Packers - Thank you for coming back Brett Favre! For your last go-round with the Packers we added major offensive upgrades to make a push for one last Super Bowl run. Oh no wait we let our starting running back go to Houston and drafted a defensive tackle in the first round. Thanks for the memories.
Arizona Cardinals - Another team with potential coming out the ass. Leinart, Edge, Boldin, Fitzgerald should be an offensive force but they ranked 19th in the league last season. If Leinart can keep from coming down with syphilis the Cardinals could score a bunch of points - their defense ranked 29th in the league in '06 though and it'll probably hurt them again this year.
Pittsburgh Steelers - They went 8-8 last season and although they won't blame it on the Big Ben situation you have to think that it played a pretty significant role. They brought in that guy from House to be the new Head Coach which seems risky but we'll see - I loved him in Dracula 2000. Putting the offensive load in the hands of Big Ben won't be the best idea that anyone has ever had which is why the Steelers are relegated to the Clancy Wiggum group.
Ned Flanders Group
Always around. Reliable. Annoying. But very rarely will Ned Flanders carry a show.
Detroit Lions - Jon Kitna says the Lions will win double digit games this season. They added Calvin Johnson who I really like but their offense ranked 21st last season and he won't make enough of a difference. The Detroit defense is HORRIFIC and they really didn't get that much better. I like the Tatum Bell, T.J. Duckett, Kevin Jones trifecta are running back but this team won't win 10 games.
Atlanta Falcons - Joey Harrington has the greatest agent in sports history. He keeps finding teams to sign Harrington who wind up needing him to start immediately. The defense in Atlanta is still pretty good as Jamaal Anderson should replace some of what Patrick Kerney gave them. The offense will be pretty lousy even with Joe Horn filling in for Ashley Lelie. This is a running team (1st in the league last year) but taking away Vick will allow teams to sit back and focus on Warrick Dunn who might be in for a tough year.
Carolina Panthers - Who are the Carolina Panthers? Are they a good team with a great defense led by a quality quarterback and a very smart coach? Or are they a middle of the road team with a crappy quarterback and an average at best coach? I have no idea, and I'm not sure the Panthers know either. Adding Dwayne Jarrett in the second round to replace Keyshawn Johnson across from Steve Smith was a great move, as was bringing in David Carr to back up Jake Delhomme. But I don't know what to expect from Carolina at all this season.
Lisa Simpson Group
Loads of potential. Has a tendency to disappear for extended periods of time which leads me to believe that these teams are not ready to jump into the more elite company. However, they can sneak up on you with a great one liner or a decent episode so don't sleep on the Lisa Simpson group.
Tennessee Titans - They really didn't get a lot better this offseason and they lost 1211 yards of offense on the ground (Travis Henry) and the shutdown corner abilities of Pacman Jones. So why do I have them ranked as high as they are? I have no idea. After seeing Vince Young (who can't throw by the way) I'm just not ready to underestimate him.
Kansas City Chiefs - You play to win the games! Damon Huard looks like he'll start the season as the starting QB in Kansas City. He went 5-3 last season in starts and handing off to Larry Johnson is a pretty easy job. I think KC could get to double digit wins but with Herm Edwards as their coach they'll probably just go 8-8.
San Francisco 49ers - Everyone seems to love the Niners this season as that "sleeper" team. Although since everyone agrees on them as the sleeper they cannot actually be a sleeper. They had some good additions in the offseason (Lelie, Nate Clements, Tully Banta-Cain) and they will have another years experience for their young core. I really like the Niners but because everyone else seems to agree on that - there is no chance an injury doesn't derail their season.
Mr. Burns Group
Capable of carrying an episode. Hates sideburns as Don Mattingly can attest. Owns a nuclear power plant and has moments where you believe he is an evil genius. These teams are powerful and should be feared, but they're not the focus of the show. You can have an entire episode without this character though which means unfortunately for their fans, no Super Bowl.
Dallas Cowboys - Obviously you can't have the Mr. Burns Group without Jerry Jones. Is there any chance that Tony Romo isn't forever damaged after that meltdown last season in the playoffs? I also hate him personally because Carrie Underwood and I have a deep love that he has interfered with. I do like the Anthony Spencer draft pick and I think the team will benefit from having Parcells gone. But Wade Phillips[? Yikes.
New York Giants - With Tiki Barber gone the pressure will fall to Eli Manning to produce the offense this season and that has to scare Giants fans. Eli might be having Vietnam like flashbacks before the bye in week 9.
St. Louis Rams - The Rams still had a Top 10 offense last season even though they're well past their prime as a unit. They're going to score points it's just a matter of stopping them (Defense ranked 28th last season). The addition of Chris Draft, and the drafting of Adam Carriker was a good start but with the 49ers and Seahawks both making gains the Rams might have trouble.
Snake Group
(also known as Jailbait). This one is a no brainer.
Cincinnati Bengals - At this point the team that Adam Sandler put together in that horrible remake of The Longest Yard has less criminals on it than the Bengals. Was Marvin Lewis always this bad of a disciplinary coach? I guess we know why Leonard Little thought it would be ok to drive home from the bar that night. On the bright side this team has talent for days including Carson Palmer in the second year of his recovery who is probably still one of the Top 5 QBs in the NFL. It's tough to discount this team but their off the field issues make it even harder to rank them higher.
Marge Simpson Group
It's tough to argue against Marge. She has the potential to carry an episode, and she has been the mother of children who haven't aged in 20 years. Her ability to stick it out with an obvious alcoholic with very few indiscretions (she did have a baby with an alien once) is admirable. She's got the ability but still remains down the line as far as main players go.
Philadelphia Eagles - I love the addition of Takeo Spikes to an already talented defense. I think the window to win a championship with Donovan McNabb might have passed and this offense didn't get any better in the offseason which should make Philly fans nervous. But hey at least they drafted Kevin Kolb with their first pick in the draft.
New York Jets - Curtis Martin has officially retired but I don't think Bill Belichick Jr. was expecting much from him anyways. They'll go into the season with Thomas Jones doing the majority of the running which is an upgrade over Leon "The Ladies Man" Washington. Chad Pennington is still a question mark as he had more INTs (17) than touchdowns (16) last season which will keep them as the second best team in the AFC East.
Jacksonville Jaguars - Reggie Nelson was a solid pick in the first round. The Jaguars have no shortage of defense but their offense will still struggle with two average at best quarterbacks. I feel like this team has remained in neutral for three years. They're good enough to be a playoff team but they're really not good enough to win the AFC.
Seattle Seahawks - The Seahawks lost Darrell Jackson and if dropped passes counted as points that'd be a big deal. I love Lofa Tatupu and the Seahawks defense but that offense makes me nervous. Hasselbeck and Alexander had off years plagued by injuries this past season and if they can bounce back they have a chance to make some noise.
Nelson Muntz Group
Many people fear Nelson. However, he is the prototypical bully which means he is a lot of bark but has trouble backing it up when someone comes directly at him. There is only one team that qualifies as a Nelson Muntz team in the NFL this season.
San Diego Chargers - How does a team that spent a week leading crowds in chants of "F The Patriots" have the gaul to call the Patriots poor sports after the Pats beat them in the playoff last season? I think the Chargers have a fantastic team and they're clearly one of the top teams in the NFL - but they will be coached by Norv Turner this season and the loss of leading tackler Donnie Edwards (142 tackles) will hurt the defense more than the addition of nobody will help. Also last season known steroid user Shawne Merriman somehow got suspended for four games because of his steroid use nobody even flinched. In baseball I have to hear about some nobody pitcher from Arizona getting busted but one of the Top 5 linebackers in the NFL gets caught and not a word from anyone? They do have one of the best players in football though and frankly I just wish bad things on this team. It's a personal thing.
Bart Simpson Group
Fully capable of carrying a show on his own. Advertising revenue from Butterfingers is through the roof. Daredevil which sometimes works against him. Not terribly bright and seems to lose focus easily which could be a negative when he comes up against the Homer group of teams. If all the chips fall in the right order Bart teams could be playing very late into the season.
New Orleans Saints - Feel good story of 2006 without a doubt. I love Drew Brees and Reggie Bush, I think drafting Robert Meachem was a great move and I think this team is once again NFC Championship bound.
Baltimore Ravens - Without Willis McGahee this team falls to somewhere around between Marge and Mr. Burns but I think adding McGahee was a HUGE move for the Ravens and will take a lot of pressure off Steve McNair who had a questionable first season in Baltimore at best (12 TDs/16 INTs). The Ravens might start 7-0 before they enter the bye and could easily win 12 games just on the basis of a pretty easy schedule.
Denver Broncos - Denver is always tough and adding Travis Henry, Daniel Graham, Brandon Stokley and Dre Bly shouldn't hurt things. Denver is another team that plays a pretty easy schedule and because of that I could see them finishing up the season with a good record. The one thing working against them is that San Diego and Kansas City should be pretty tough opponents to play twice each during the season. Mike Shanahan is just too good of a coach to put him to far down this list. Denver should always be counted as a contender until they have to play the Colts in the playoffs.
Homer Simpson Group
The patriarch of the family. People might argue that Bart is the star of the show but everyone really knows that it's Homer. For stretches people might forget about how great Homer is because he is so consistent - but when push comes to shove Homer teams will be there in the end.
Chicago Bears - The Sex Cannon will have to shake off that miserable Super Bowl to lead the Bears back to the promised land again this season. If Da Bears were an AFC team they wouldn't be in this group but they're an NFC team and because of that they remain the cream of the crop. They did lose 1210 rushing yards in Thomas Jones but it was time for Cedric Benson to shit or get off the pot. The Saints and Seahawks will challenge for the top spot in the NFC but I think the Bears defense will be enough to bring them back to the Super Bowl.
Indianapolis Colts - Peyton Manning got the monkey off his back in 2006. He hosted the funniest SNL of the season as well which should allow him to go back to being the second best quarterback in the AFC without much complaining. I would say most people agree that the Colts and Patriots matched up pretty evenly last season then the Colts went out and lost Cato June (142 tackles/team leader), Dominic Rhodes (892 all purpose yards), Nick Harper (3 INTs, 76 tackles) and Tarik Glenn. The Colts did add some players to the mix this offseason like John Navarre, and Anthony Gonzales - so ya know they have that going for them. Defending a Super Bowl means you have a target on your back each week getting the best of the crappy teams as well as the good teams and I just don't see the Colts having the tools to repeat. But they're still one of the top teams in the NFL until someone proves otherwise.
New England Patriots - The Patriots off season was very busy. Basically the Patriots were 4 yards away from heading to, and then winning the Super Bowl last season. Had Reche Caldwell and his cocaine eyes made one catch I would have attended my fourth Super Bowl parade through the streets of Boston. So the Hooded One needed 4 yards of offense and he went out and got Randy Moss, Donte Stallworth, Wes Welker and Kelley Washington. I'd say there's 4 yards of offense in that group. But the defense melted in the second half of the AFC Championship Game as well so The Belichick Bunch also went out and got Adalius Thomas and his 83 tackles, 11 sacks, 1 pick and 1 fumble recovery to shore up a defense that was ranked 2nd in the NFL last season. So yeah they're not the defending Super Bowl Champions but the New England Patriots have got to be the team to beat heading into this season. Oh yeah and they still have that Tom Brady guy - he's not bad.
Of course, since you rated the entire NFL, you're going to get flack from people who know about their own teams...
I submit this for the eagles...how was the offense supposed to get better when they were second in the NFL in total offense? I mean...sorry they're not first? They lost Stallworth and added Curtis basically...and since they need to run the ball more anyways (which everyone and their grandma has been clamoring for) I don't think it should be a problem...plus stallworth didn't play all that much last year anyways...
So if the defense got better and the offense stayed the same...what does that mean?