Shimmering T.: Nervous Breakdown of Week 3 Picks
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This week was probably the biggest week in the short history of this column. After ripping the fantasy analyst’s whose name we will not mention last week, it generated the most hits and comments of any article the Shimmering T. had put out to date. Well, if you read my column before, you would know that I often talk the talk (sometimes in the third person), but rarely walk the walk. This week brought me down to Earth… and hard. I feel like I’ve just watched a segment of Who’s Now? where Keyshawn Johnson, Kirk Herbstreit, and Stuart “why has everyone else left but you’re still there?” Scott debate whether a child with Otis Nixon and Rex Grossman as parents would be the ugliest and least talented athlete of all-time. I had a bad feeling going in, and making the picks that I am making will bite you in the arse at times. It is tough to predict a non-top TE to get 6 points any week and it’s difficult to pick top players to do poorly each week. Not an excuse, just context. Yeah, context, I like that. But, I’ve chosen my lot and I’ve come to get my whooping. My personal belief is that ESPN has such control over the sporting universe that they influenced the results of my players by threatening to withdraw their invitations to the Budweiser hot seat. No, Brian Kenney; if YOU had to pick between being LenDale White’s stationary bike seat or watching ESPN studio analysts play an entire football game on their little field, which would you choose? Alright, I’m done. Please keep reading…pretty, please?
Here are the details that decide wins or losses: 17 points for a QB, 10 points for a RB or WR, 6 points for a TE, 8 for kickers, and 8 for defenses, all based on the following standard fantasy scoring (QB 20y = 1, TD = 4, INT = -2, FUM = -1; QB, RB, WR, TE 10y = 1, TD = 6, FUM = -1; K 0-39 = 3, 40-49 = 4, 50+ = 5, XP = 1; DEF Sack = 1, INT = 2, FUMRec = 2, TD = 6, Safety = 4).
This Week: 13-21-1 or 38% Season Record: 52-42-2 or 55% QB: 8-10 RB: 10-6-1 WR: 8-9-1 TE: 6-8 K: 8-5 DEF: 12-4
Jamal Lewises:
The following matchups are of players who are questionable starts for many fantasy owners, who I thought should start this week based on their matchup (named each week for the player who most took advantage of his matchup the previous week):
QB:
Jason Campbell, NYG @ WAS
Fantasy Points: 10.7 Verdict: Loss
THIS SPOT RESERVED: Every Giants Opponent EXCEPT JASON CAMPBELL. I’m gonna get isht from the Yambag.
Matt Hasselbeck, CIN @ SEA
Fantasy Points: 20.5 Verdict: Win
Hasselbeck should have done better; does not bode well for the rest of the year.
Rex Grossman, DAL @ CHI
Fantasy Points: 4.95 Verdict: Loss
I now know what Bears fans feel like. What do you call a dinosaur that can’t play quarterback and has hippie parents? Tyrannosaurus Rex-Grossman.
RB:
Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor, JAX @ DEN
Fantasy Points: 4.5 and 8.4, respectively Verdict: Loss and Loss
This one hurts a lot. What do you call a terrible running back with hippie parents? Marice Jones-Ew.
LenDale White, TEN @ NO
Fantasy Points: 12 Verdict: Win
LenDale let my stationary-bike-seat joke go and performed for me.
Thomas Jones, MIA @ NYJ
Fantasy Points: 11.1 Verdict: Win
I should have gone with my gut and picked Ronnie Brown this week. Imagine if Ronnie Brown had a good offensive line. Can the Dolphins trade him to the Pats this offseason? That’s the only way I’m keeping him over All Day Peterson.
WR:
Roydell Williams, TEN @ NO (The Saints Foundation)
Fantasy Points: 3.7 Verdict: Loss
I thought Roydell would burst onto the scene this week; I guess not.
Wes Welker, NE @ BUF
Fantasy Points: 6.9 Verdict: Loss
Welker caught six passes, but didn’t do much with them.
Reggie Brown, DET @ PHI
Fantasy Points: 2.3 Verdict: Loss
Well, it is some consolation that I was right on with my prediction for the game (“This game has “up-and-coming team versus team that has won their division 5 of the last 6 years and is pissed” written all over it. I see either an Eagles blowout or a shootout. Either way, it benefits the Eagles’ offensive players”). You know you’re in trouble when your team gets 55 points and throws for 381 yards and you get 23 of them. Might be time to look elsewhere.
TE:
Bo Scaife, TEN @ NO
Fantasy Points: 8.6 Verdict: Win
Bo knew Saints D.
Chris Cooley, NYG @ WAS
Fantasy Points: 7.9 Verdict: Loss
I guaranteed 10 and came up short. At least I got an extra point in one of my leagues for his fumble recovery.
Greg Olsen or, if injured, Desmond Clark, DAL @ CHI
Fantasy Points: 2.8 Verdict: Loss
Clark got 5.8, but Olsen played.
K:
Shaun Shuisham, NYG @ WAS
Fantasy Points: 6 Verdict: Loss
I swear his first field goal went in. It went in! Can I please count it? Push?
Josh Brown, CIN @ SEA
Fantasy Points: 6 Verdict: Loss
I already hate myself.
John Carney, JAX @ DEN
Fantasy Points: 11 Verdict: Win
You know it’s a tough week when you are thrilled that Carney put up points.
DEF:
Oakland vs. CLE
Fantasy Points: 5 Verdict: Loss
At least I can take solace in my Raiders’ victory. How bizarre an ending was that by the way? Trippy.
Philadelphia @ DET
Fantasy Points: 15 Verdict: Win
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! This week was as ugly as those Eagles uniforms. Speaking of hallelujah, if you haven’t heard Jeff Buckley’s rendition of the song, you should. And when you do, just imagine me watching my computer on Sunday, listening to that song, and crying.
Carolina @ ATL
Fantasy Points: 5 Verdict: Loss
Joey Harrington and the Shimmering T. are not on speaking terms.
Cincinnati Defenses:
The following matchups are of players who I thought would be likely starts, who I thought (keyword: “thought”) were in for a rough time because of their matchups (named each week for the player who took advantage of his matchup the least last week):
QB:
Tony Romo, DAL @ CHI
Fantasy Points: 22.45 Verdict: Loss
I give up, Romo is good. Never again will his name appear here.
Alex Smith, SF @ PIT
Fantasy Points: 15.65 Verdict: Win
Not a bad performance against the Steelers, but I’ll take anything I can get.
Jon Kitna, DET @ PHI
Fantasy Points: 26.4 Verdict: Loss
He got the yardage, but he also got the touchdowns. At least I was right about the three turnovers.
RB:
Marshawn Lynch, BUF @ NE
Fantasy Points: 14 Verdict: Loss
Got a good look at Lynch against the Patriots and I was actually impressed. He ran hard and did well for himself. The Bills line still scares me, so I don’t like his prospects the rest of the way, but if he can get some O-line play he will be a very good back. Right now he’s just decent.
Frank Gore, SF @ PIT
Fantasy Points: 5.1 Verdict: Win
I was right on all four of my reasons for his failure this week. This is the beginning of my two best picks. Yes, Gore owners should be worried.
Larry Johnson, KC @ MIN
Fantasy Points: 3.7 Verdict: Win
My two picks for season Least Valuable Player helped me out this week. I don’t like the O-line in KC and while Johnson will get better, he is not a top 10 back.
Marion Barber, DAL @ CHI
Fantasy Points: 23.2 Verdict: Loss
Barber looked filthy on Sunday night. I thought he was a good player with a bad matchup but he proved he is an every-week starter.
WR:
Braylon Edwards, CLE @ OAK
Fantasy Points: 14.3 Verdict: Loss
I’m sure Nnamdi wasn’t covering him on the touchdown.
Calvin Johnson, DET @ PHI
Fantasy Points: 5.8 Verdict: Draw
To stay consistent, I am giving myself a draw on this one since he didn’t play the whole game and I did the same when Cadillac went down Week 1. I believe strongly in accountability, and I will take my beatings this week. Also, someone pointed out that his name is Calvin Johnson and I wrote Williams. I worked on the column after 1:30am, so cut me some slack. That’s how much I want to help you; I’m working coach’s hours without pay.
Plaxico Burress, NYG @ WAS
Fantasy Points: 14.6 Verdict: Loss
Even though I lost this pick, Plex provided the moment of the week for me. I was watching the game at my friend’s place, with whom I share one of my teams. We have Plex and were in a close battle. Needless to say, when Plex broke his TD we both got closer and closer to the TV before erupting in joy when he crossed the goaline. We won the game by a few points.
TE:
Vernon Davis, SF @ PIT
Fantasy Points: 5.6 Verdict: Win
I will take it.
Heath Miller, SF @ PIT
Fantasy Points: 8.2 Verdict: Loss
Eh.
K:
Nate Kaeding, SD @ GB
Fantasy Points: 7 Verdict: Win
SECOND WEEK IN A ROW I HAVE PREDICTED KAEDING’S EXACT POINT TOTAL. I am hoping that by capitalizing the whole thing, I will draw attention to it, and you will forget the rest of my week’s picks. Thank God for Nate Kaeding.
Nick Folk, DAL @ CHI
Fantasy Points: 11 Verdict: Loss
He is this year’s Robbie Gould…mark it down.
DEF:
Denver vs. JAX
Fantasy Points: 7 Verdict: Win
Love the one-point victories.
Indianapolis @ HOU
Fantasy Points: 7 Verdict: Win
What did I say about the one-point victories?
Don’t forget the first two weeks and the difficult nature of the picks I am making. I beg you to keep reading…please?
Have a nice week trying to figure out this fantasy football season…craziness…
--Shimmering T. at www.fleafanatics.com
