Shawne Merriman, Football, Steroids, and the Longball
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by user Josh Q. Public
Josh Q. Public: No blogger can blog quite like I can, I’ll take a muscle-bound man and put his face in the sand.
Public service Announcement: Ok here we go! All right, we all know by now that Shawne "Lights Out" Merriman, no relation to James "Lights Out" Toney, unless you count juice use, was bagged for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy. So where’s the outrage? Where’s the indignation? Barry Bonds style. I gotta think the problem in football is just as big as the problem in baseball. It’s just that people don’t care. In 2004, at least 4 Panthers used. You remember, the Cardiac Cats. The NFC Champion Panthers. The in the Super Bowl Panthers. The Janet Jackson Super Bowl. The get your ass kicked by Tom Brady and the Patriots Super Bowl. Three offensive linemen, Jeff Mitchell, Todd Steussie and Kevin Donnalley had prescriptions filled for the stuff within a week and a half of the game. So did Panthers’ punter Todd Sauerbrun. No one bats an eyelash. Not one single eyelash. Not one. Imagine if we found out Manny, Trot, Papi, and Schilling were on the juice during the 2004 World Series. My god! Yankee fans would still be crying. Oh, they are anyway? Well, that’s beside the point. You know what I mean. You would never hear of the end of it. Now we have Shawne Merriman. Last year, as a rookie, made the Pro Bowl. Recorded 6 sacks in his first 4 starts. Defensive Rookie of the Year. This year in six games he has 5.5 sacks, 23 tackles and 1 interception. On his way to another Pro Bowl and the playoffs. Other than the obligatory comment at ye olde water cooler, nothing. Total apathy. Now imagine, if you will, if this happened to Ryan Howard, the Broad Street Bomber. Imagine if he got caught. Pretty similar stuff. He was last year’s Rookie of The Year. 2 time All-Star. The outcry would be deafening. Deafening I tell you. Dummy Hoy style. Deafening. So why the disparity. Does anyone believe that this is a case of a few rogue players? It can’t be. Washington Redskins offensive lineman Jon Jansen, told The Washington Post that as many as 20 percent of current NFL players use roids on a regular basis. Then the big mouth went on Costas Live: “You know guys that are doing it. You know that they’re cheating and you know that they’re trying to get by with something.” And the thing is, I believe people know football players are juicing. As much or more so than baseball players. They just don’t care. Now I gotta ask why? Why? Why? Why? Is it the stats? Everybody knows Howard hit 58 bombs this year. If I didn’t tell you, would have known how many sacks Merriman has? Huh? Would you? Probably not. So, the answer is yes, it is the stats. Not just any stats though. Just the only one stat that matters. The big-fly, the blast, the bomb, the ding dong, the four bagger, the gopher ball, the jack, the round-tripper, the moonshot, the tape-measure shot, the swat, the tater, the wallop, the longball, the goner. Yup, the home run. Chicks dig the long ball. They aren’t the only ones. We all do. Why do you think we don’t care about all the pitchers that have been getting caught? We care about Bonds. We care about Sosa. We care about Raffy. We care about McGwire. We care about the all mighty home run. The holiest of all holy sports accomplishments. Can I get an Amen?
The Public at Large:
1. Merriman apologizes, Giambi Juice style. He said he wanted to take responsibility for what happened, and will appeal any suspension levied by the league. Huh? You apologize yet at the same you appeal. Inferring you haven’t done anything. Then what are you apologizing for? What was Jason apologizing for?
2. Matt Hasselbeck will miss at least three weeks with a strained ligament in his right knee. Yikes, trouble in the Great White North. Seneca Wallace to start. You remember him. Iowa State Cyclone. Refused to be another Slash. Yup, trouble in the Great White North.
3. Tony LaRussa: “I don’t believe it was dirt. Didn’t look like dirt.” A little late now Tony, doncha think?
4. I said it before; I’ll say it again. How bout them Sabres? Huh, Grimace? Huh? 9-0. New team record. Moved to within one win of tying Chomper’s Maple Leafs’ league record of 10 straight wins to start of the 1993-94 season. BU Terrier, Chris Drury already has his 10th goal. How bout that? He’s only the second player in Buffalo history to reach 10 goals before the team played 10 games. Rick Martin hit double figures in the team’s ninth game. 1972-1973.
5. I was wrong about them Cowboys. They’re not dangerous at all. They suck. I know it, you know it, and the Big Tuna knows it: “I’m ashamed to put a team out there that played like that. I apologize to the people who came out to watch that.” Hey Bill, time for you to ride off into the sunset, Gene Autry style. Happy trails to you… How bad to the Boys suck? They gave up 6 sacks and four interceptions to the Giants. The Giants had not had a game with as many as six sacks and four interceptions since 1983.
6. I have no love for Parcells. I will never forgive him for the way he left the Patriots. Didn’t even have the sac to travel home with the team after the Desmond Howard Super Bowl. Remember? He was already the HC of the NYJ before that game even started. Gross.
7. If I were Playboy, I would have sports story in there each month. It just seems like a no-brainer. So if anybody put there knows Hef and his boys, let him know, I’m available.
8. Another one bites the dust. Queen style. The one-win Browns fired offensive coordinator Maurice Carthon on Monday night. Another Parcells guy. Geez, like Savoir Faire, they’re everywhere. Klondike Kat style. Happy trails to you…
9. Bye bye Bobby? Bill Davis, past president of Seminole Boosters Inc: “Our dilemma is: How do you ask a legend to retire?” Um, nicely? Bowden put Florida State on the map. No argument there. But all reports point to Bobby as having lost touch. Lost touch with his players. Lost touch with his coaches. Lost touch with winning. It’s time for him to move on. Happy trails to you…
10. Another installment in the what is wrong with people department: The City of Brotherly Love. A father pulled a gun on a youth football coach because his son wasn’t getting enough playing time. I wish my father cared that much. Maybe I would have found my way off the bench.
11. Is it me, or does Brady Quinn look like Howard Stern?
12. No matter what Tiki says. All his retirement talk is a distractment. Is that a word? Distractment?
13. I’ve been talking a lot about the Parcells guys floating around. But you wanna talk about a legacy? A real legacy? Huh? Do ya? Red Auerbach. Here’s a list of all the Red disciples: Bill “Felton X” Russell. Boston Celtics. First black head coach in the NBA. 2 Championships. Side note: At McClymonds High School in Oakland, one of Russell’s teammates was Frank Robinson. Bill Sharman. ABA Utah Stars. Championship. Los Angeles Lakers. NBA record 33 wins in a row. Championship. Coach of the Year. Side Note: Bill also played for the Brooklyn Dodgers. Jersey City’s own Tommy “Gun” Heinson. Boston Celtics. Two Championships. Coach of the Year. Don Nelson. Milwaukee Bucks. Coach of the Year. Twice. Invented the point forward. Golden State Warriors. Coach of the Year. Dream Team II. Gold. Don Chaney. The Duck. Houston Rockets. Coach of the Year. KC Jones. Boston Celtics. Two Championships. Rick Carlisle. Detroit Pistons. Coach of the Year. Larry Legend Bird. Indiana Pacers. Coach of the Year. Bob Cousy. The Houdini of the Hardwood. Tom Satch Sanders. Dave Cowens. Boston Celtics. Quit to drive a cab, then came back. Chris Ford. First NBA player to hit a three. ML Carr. Paul Silas. Carl Braun. Quinn Buckner. Paul Westphal. Danny Ainge. Easy Ed Macauley. Andy Phillip. Kevin McHale. Now that, my friends, is a legacy!
14. Eric Mussleman, Kings coach, picked up for DUI. Not a Red Auerbach disciple.
15. More Celtics talk. You don’t hear this too often. Celtics rookie Leon Powe: “It isn’t about what I can do. It’s about what the team needs.” Hey T.O., you listening? n Huh? Are you? What about you Randy Moss? Joey Porter? Kellen Winslow?
16. Remember I said Alan Trammel would never work in this league again? I was wrong. Sweet Lou hired him on with the Cubbies.
17. Making me feel young again. Jamie Moyer, 44, just signed a 10.5 mil contract with the Phillies.
18. Nobody does it better. Walter Payton style. Ilya Kovalchuk scores 3 power-play goals. Yowza! Thrashers win! Thrashers win! Thrashers win! That’s the third power-play hat trick for Kovalchuk. Kovalchuk has three of the eight power-play hat tricks since 2003-2004. Nobody has more. Nobody.
19. More dumb stuff. Jaguars DE Bobby McCray got pulled over for reckless driving and possession of controlled painkillers. The dude was racing another player down the highway. Hey dum-dum, ever hear of Bobby Phills?
20. Back to Tiki. Why are you retiring dude? Hurley style. Tiki Barber has led the Giants in rushing yards for 70 consecutive games. That’s the longest streak of that kind in ever. The old record? Barry Sanders. 68 straight games. Hmmm see a trend here?
21. Avalanche rookie Paul Stastny. Playing in his ninth career game Monday. One goal, two assists. His first 3-point game. Paul’s father, Peter Stastny, also had his first 3-point game in his ninth career game. Spooky. Big Daddy went on to rank second in the NHL in points in the 1980s, behind only the Great One. Wayne Gretzky. Not for nothing, in the tenth grade, I had a math teacher named Mr. Antonellis. I used to call him Mr. Anton Stastny.
Peace out homies. Six Two and Even!
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