Shawn Merriman’s Steroids Excuses That He CAN’T Use
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by user LastRow
Now that it’s quite apparent that Shawn Merriman is drinking more than protein shakes & pickle juice as we wait for him to make a statement. May I remind you these are only allegations and we should not jump to any conclusions here…I’m sure Shawn never “knowingly took anything”? Perhaps it was a Vitamin B12 pill given to him by Miguel Tejada? Just one problem…He plays baseball in Baltimore instead of football in San Diego. Perhaps it might be due to the fact that Mr. Merriman has an irregular high amount of testosterone than his body naturally produces as in the case of Floyd Landis?
As we all sit and wait to hear Shawn’s first public comments why he took the juice, (I mean allegedly) we can only imagine of what kind of excuse him and his publicist will cook up? Could it be, “Shawn has 25 million reasons not to take steroids.” That may be fine & dandy, but how come Merriman made a comment relatively recently, (within the last six months) that nobody has ever been in the kind of shape he’s in, in the NFL, past or present. You know, I get that same kind of feeling with myself every time I pop a Flintstone vitamin. There’s just something about Fred, and Barney that get me going! Occasionally , when I need that extra boost I sometimes double, even triple my intake…Now I can fully understand what’s going on with Bam-Bam!
So, what kind of “The Dog Ate My Homework” excuse will be conjured up this time? Or will it be another Jason Giambi press conference where he apologizes for who knows what? Perhaps the “Lights” were “Out”, and he mistakenly stabbed himself with the wrong needle?
Our job to figure out what he’s sorry for…Yeah, sorry for the fact that he got caught! Before Shawn considers what to say, he might want to check the following excuses. These excuses have already been used…Besides the least he can do is come up with his own to give us some humor as did the morons below:
"The truth of the matter is [blood] can get there certainly from a fraternal twin who has a different genetic identity. … So that's the deal." —Dr. David Housman, who testified on cyclist Tyler Hamilton's behalf, on why tests at the Athens Olympics showed Hamilton had someone else's blood in his body – April 17, 2005
"I was very surprised, because I didn't know I was taking anything on the ban list. … It's my mistake for not knowing what's on the ban list. … [From now on, you] won't even see me eat a PowerBar." —Seattle Mariners minor leaguer Ryan Christianson – April 5, 2005
"I don't take steroids, period. I bought supplements. … I made a mistake trusting the label." —Seattle Mariners minor leaguer Damian Moss, who "would not name the supplements or the manufacturer, saying he didn't want to get any companies in trouble" – April 5, 2005
"I don't want to make a big deal. We went out one night and had some fun and I tested positive. … We went out and partied and had what I thought was a good time." —Chicago Bears safety Damon Moore – Sept. 11, 2002)
"Of course I can't be 100% certain that anybody [spiked my drink] but I can't see any other way. … You can't lock [drinks] away every time you take a vault, so it's possible." —Pole-vaulter Janine Whitlock – July 19, 2002, after testing positive for steroids at the Commonwealth Games
"He really doesn't understand why a test came out this way. He wants to explore that. He clearly has not intentionally taken anything to cause a positive test." —Mitch Frankel, agent for Cleveland Indians pitcher Rafael Betancourt (Cleveland Plain Dealer, July 10, 2005)
"For many years, I've been taking this blood test and I've never had problems. I put it down to female physiology." —Cross-country skier Larissa Lazutina, after a test at the 2002 Winter Olympics revealed abnormal levels of hemoglobin (Washington Post, Feb. 25, 2002)
"Nobody on the planet could say that I don't love my wife and I don't love my kids. … I have never in my life, nor would I ever, do anything to jeopardize their opinion of me. I don't know what has happened and I don't know how it has happened. I promise everybody I'm going to find out." —Shot-putter C.J. Hunter, Sept. 25, 2000, after failing four separate tests for anabolic steroids
"I know I did nothing incorrect. ... I take stuff I buy over the counter. Multivitamins, protein shakes, muscle relaxants. That kind of stuff … I'm surprised because look at what kind of player I am. I'm a leadoff hitter. I never hit any home runs." —Former Devil Rays outfielder Alex Sanchez, April 4, 2005
"[My coach] had given me this pill and I had taken it. He told me it was not a steroid and that it would just keep you 'up' so you wouldn't be so fatigued." —Sprinter Calvin Harrison, after testing positive for the stimulant modafinil (Guardian, Oct. 27, 2003)
"I never intentionally put anything in my body which I thought was illegal. … People think you sit around and stick needles in you, and it's not like that. Seventy percent of the stuff you get at [General Nutrition Center], you test positive for under the policy."
—Cleveland Indians minor leaguer Darnell McDonald (Buffalo News, May 23, 2005)
"She was bringing them from Lithuania for my mother-in-law." —Cyclist Raimondas Rumas, July 30, 2002, after his wife was found with EPO and testosterone in the trunk of her car
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