Secrets Revealed! The TRUE Reasons Harold Reynolds Got Fired
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Harold Reynolds... is gone.
And no one knows why. Some think he was a harasser. Others think he was the victim of circumstance. (Whatever that means.)
We, however, have an EXCLUSIVE (read: made up) top ten list as to why Harold Reynolds is no longer with ESPN.
Accuracy guaranteed, or your hard-earned money back.
(Thankfully for us, reading this is free. So, you are hereby entitled to $0.00 -- Canadian!)
Without further ado...
TOP TEN REASONS HAROLD REYNOLDS' BUTT WAS CANNED
#10: Told Chris Berman To Shut the Freak Up
Is there no one more annoying than the leather afficianado himself? Potentially Ross Perot, or maybe the guy from the Six Flags ads (in fact, they may be the same person). But Berman is clearly in the top three. Especially when he starts with the awful whoop! noise.
Berman was once funny.
He was also once thin.
Apparently, as the belly grew, so did the kitschy schtick called Bermanisms decline.
Someone had to make it clear. And who better...
than a victim...
such as....
Harold Reynolds "Wrap."
I mean, tin foil? You know that somewhere, deep down, an aneurism was building up in Reynolds. Tin foil! I lead the league in triples in 1987!! In stolen bases the next year!! I was a two time All-Star!!!! Three gold gloves!!!!!! TIN FOIL? YOU ARE COMPARING ME TO TIN FOIL?
And suddenly, it came to blows. Harold opened a can of whoopass on Mr. Berman, slicing his last remaining hairs off his head with the serrated edge that is so adequately warned about on every box of Reynolds Wrap.
But as we all know, Berman is the second-most bulletproof ESPN personality, behind only the great Dan Patrick. Did Howard tell Berman to stick his Tom "Dirty" Henke up the back of his Bruce "Three-Piece" Sutter? We may never know.
But we hope he did.
#9: Speaking of Aneurisms...
Rumor has it that Keith Olbermann is still a tad upset that he's been bumped from SportsCenter, and that he's systematically been picking off ESPN hosts/commentators/etc. We know the rumor exists, because we made it up ourselves.
Witness:
- Peter Gammons is on the DL.
- Rob Neyer doesn't appear on SportsCenter. Ever.
- Tony Kornheiser has disappeared from PTI a few times.
- Dick Schaap is dead.
Could it be... no... musn't it be that Harold wasn't fired, but actually executed by the Olbermann hit-squad?
Can Steve Phillips be next?
(Please?)
#8: Fall Guy For The Dusty Baker Whoopsy-Daisy
Quite frankly, that's TOTALLY IDIOTIC. Telling someone to boo your guest? Why not have them throw feces at him and call him "Busty Daker" or something even less appropriate? (Actually, throwing stuff at Dusty is probably how Mark Prior and Kerry Wood got into their respective predicatments.)
It's dumb.
It's moronic.
No, it's Quite Moronic. (This ad brought to you by the letters S, A, and the number 0.)
And demands that someone get fired.
But you can't fire Stephen A. No sir. And firing some peon doesn't do diddly.
So, you fire Harold. Makes sense. Both Dusty and Harold played in the AL West at the same time (1985-86). Maybe there was some bad blood. Or maybe Dusty is so blind (after all, he can't read the chart that says "pitcher has thrown 199 pitches") that he can't tell Harold and Stephen A apart.
#7: Stuck on the Water Slide
This one probably isn't true. If it were, say, John Kruk, Jason Whitlock, or even Chris Berman, maybe. But Harold Reynolds?!
But in the off chance it could happen, here's the 411.
Across the street, literally, from the entrance to the ESPN campus in luxurious Bristol, Connecticut, is Lake Compounce, an amusement park which is actually kind of fun.
Especially the water slides.
You have to think that, especially after having to deal with guys like Kruk and Phillips all day, a man has to clear his head. Well, this is Bristol, CT, folks. It's not like you're going to find a good sports bar or coke dealer (unless Lawrence Taylor comes to visit). Escapism is difficult.
But then, you remember -- water slides.
It's a hot day. John Kruk and Steve Phillips were arguing over what makes for an appropriate wedding gift. (Candlesticks is the answer.) The debate became somewhat heated, when finally, HReyn (ick) stormed out, kicked over a golf cart, and said, "forget this, I'm going to Lake Compounce!"
He put on a swimsuit and ran for the one that's covered half-way down the slide. You know, the supposedly scary one.
Much like Ozzie Smith in that Simpsons episode, he's yet to return. Maybe he saw the number Pi on the way down. Maybe he'll say hi to Ozzie for us.
Yes, Dimension X finally has its middle infield. And damn, is it good.
#6: Resigned in Protest
Apparently, the NFL branches of ESPN and the MLB ones do not interact all that often. Yes, Mr. Berman moonlights for both, but he can barely remember his name, having spent way too much time drinking beer off the backs of scantily clad men in Greenwich Village and in his "rompus room" in Bristol. It's a scary place, replete with whips, chains, marshmallow fluff, one of those rodeo simulators-- oh... dear... we've said too much already.
Anyhoo.
The NFL and MLB teams don't interact too much. That's why Bo Jackson was never offered a job on ESPN, and why Deion Sanders hasn't been allowed on Baseball Tonight. (Could you imagine a show hosted by Bo and Deion. That'd be sweet.)
The interaction is so limited, in fact, that just yesterday, Harold found out that Rush Limbaugh briefly worked for ESPN, doing color commentary (*snicker*). Harold heard Rush's comments, stormed into Michael Eisner's offices, and yelled "Either he goes, or I go!"
Eisner laughed, thinking it was a joke, and responded with a joke of his own. "Well, we can't fire Rush, now can we."
Reynolds quit post haste.
#5: Went All Pee Wee Herman on Bonnie Bernstein
See pics, above.
Turn imagination to "gutter."
Yeah.
You'd be fired too.
#4: Went All Pee Wee Herman on Stuart Scott
See pic, above.
Turn imagination to "gutter."
Go past "gutter" to "super-max never-go-here." Or, for This Is Spinal Tap fans, to 11.
Yeah.
You'd be fired too.
And quickly!
(Boo-yeah!)
#3: Went All Pee Wee Herman on Linda Cohn
Nah.
#2: Refused to Give "Domino Player of the Year" Award at ESPYs
a) The ESPYs suck. They're stupid. They're fake. They're stupid fakery. b) Dominoes isn't a sport. Old guys who are too stupid to play bridge and too poor to play poker play dominoes, and do so while their dentures are being cleaned.
The ESPYs are on ESPN.
Dominoes are on ESPN.
It's only a matter of time before there's an ESPY for Dominoes... on ESPN.
And for some odd reason, doesn't Harold Reynolds seem like the perfect ESPN personality to give out that award? Truly, can you think of anyone better? He's one of the few straightforward guys on the network. Someone who could deliver stupid, fake award to a player of a stupid, fake sport, and make it seem... real.
But Mr. Reynolds is a man of class, stature, and grace. He'd not let his good name be soiled by such stupid fakery.
#1: Wouldn't Let Kruk Beat Him At Mini Golf
As everyone knows, John Kruk only has one testicle.
It's true. You could look it up.
And, as everyone knows, Harold Reynolds is more man than a man should be.
It's true. Chris Berman told us. (Well, not really.)
So, it's only fair that when Kruk and Reynolds Wrap play mini golf, Harold lets John win. I mean, he's crippled, basically. We do what we can for our fellow man, and don't show him up in front of the honeys on the mini golf course. Let him show us how the windmill is bested, or how to handle the loop-de-loop. No need to be all Tiger Woods about that really difficult one where the cup is atop a hill, and you have to do it perfect, and I HATE THAT FREAKIN HOLE I ALWAYS GET A FIVE WHY DO THEY MAKE ME CRY I THINK THEY'RE THE DEVI--- sorry... uh... yeah... I mean, let's face it, the man has one testicle. Let him win at mini golf.
It's the least you can do Harold.
Let a man keep some pride.
Or else... who knows what the Kruk will do to ya.
You just had to find out, didn't you, you show off. The ace on that hill hole... what were you thinking?
And now you're nothing.
Kruk wins.
Fatality.
Excellent.
Date
Tue 07/25/06, 3:08 pm EST
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