Seattle Player Reactions from Hargrove's Resignation
| 12
|
by user SlickBomb
On Sunday, Mike Hargrove resigned as the Manager of the Seattle Mariners due to a “lack of passion” for the game, and an interest to spend more time with his family. OnTheShow interviewed high profile players on the club to gauge their reactions.
Jeff Weaver, SP – "Shit brah, I’m so high right now. I think I need to lay down and shit. What? Grover’s gone dude? No way, man. How can you not love it here? The coffee’s great, the music scene is so uplifting, and the local college has some of the best weed in the country. Whatever the reason, it can’t be my pitching, right? I’ve been on a roll this month, right? I don’t even know anymore, man."
Richie Sexon, 1B – "Out of all the people I’ve been managed for (and believe me, there has been a few), Grover’s probably the only guy who’d call a hit-and-run when I was on 1st base. I’d be all like 'Grover, the last time I successfully stole a base was in 1997.' Well, he said he 'had a feeling about it,' and I guess he has a feeling about this play too. I just hope it works out better than that hit-and-run did."
Adam Jones, OF – "Grover was the 1st manager I’ve ever had, so I’ll remember his lessons for the rest of my career, ya know? My favorite lesson was 'use a different name when checking into a hotel.' I was in Tacoma playing in AAA, and after pickin' up some poonani, and I tried to check in as Adam Jones. Niggas start jumpin’ over tables for cover and shit. I was like 'shit, nigga, I ain’t Pac-Man!' but they wouldn’t listen. Bitches started crying, begging for their lives and shit. Dudes started giving me their wallets. This one nigga gave me a diamond ring he was smuggling up in his asshole, and I was like 'yo, son, I ain’t Pac-Man.' It’s like every black athlete with essentially no college education named Adam Jones is forever tainted because of this crackhead. If he goes to play the Seahawks in five years after he gets outta prison or whatever, I’ma beat his ass."
Shigeru Miyamoto, Nintendo – "As Head Game Designer for Nintendo, Inc, I knew Hargrove-san, but only tangentially. I tried to create a baseball game using Hargrove’s exact managerial techniques, and it resulted in game with all-time lows in scoring. He would call bunts for Adrian Beltre, and would steal bases with Kenji Jojima. Everyone at Nintendo appreciated his years of service, but perhaps this is for the best."
Ichiro, OF – "Manager Hargrove always managed with the warrior’s spirit, and tried his best to instill the spirit within all who played for him. However, his recent abandonment of our team makes us all question his teachings. A general who flees while his troops are still in battle is a coward of the highest order, and his family name will be forever stained. If he wishes to cleanse himself from this dishonor, he is welcome to take his own life via seppukku. Out of respect, I will allow him my sword for this task."
SlickBomb is an avid baseball fan engaging the appetites of his curious mind. He has contributed to Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber, and regularly writes for the comedy baseball blog OnTheShow. Check out that site if you want to see this article but with pictures and video. You can write him at SlickBomb-at-gmail-dot-com. He will now stop talking in the 3rd person.
