Rumors I just started - July 4, 2006
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by user Manny Stiles
Tired of Rumor Central? Are your Insiders devulging too much true information? Sick of hearing rumors that might end actually happening? Welcome to the place where facts are blatently ignored and innuendo gets stretched beyond fathomable recognition.
"Rumors I just started" - by Manny Stiles a.k.a. "Rumours I just started" for our friends in the United Kingdom (no hard feelings about that Declaration of Independence stuff, right???)
Rumor 1 - Ben Wallace needed the extra 12 million he didn't get from the Dee-troit Pee-stains so he could buy the Real Big Ben clock tower this summer and move it to his new Chicago residence...Big Ben's clock is ticking... Flavor Flav could not be reached for comment.
Rumor 2 - Pedro Martinez's twin 3rd cousins recently went under sexual reassignment surgeries. He said she's feeling better now that he's healing quicker than she was earlier.
Rumor 3 - Doug Mientkiewicz's name was actually 'Doug Miller' before the side-effects kicked in after became helplessly addicted to HGH.
Rumor 4 - The Phoenix Suns and Cleveland Cavaliers are hammering out a trade that would send LeBron James to the Suns in exchange for Nikoloz Tskitishvili (now that European basketball players are cool again) and the rights to continue blackballing Paul Shirley from the NBA.
Rumor 5 - The Detroit Lions are changing their main color to Pink next season. "It really should have been done a long time ago; to better reflect our roster, management staff and team philosophy" said Matt Millen. After hearing of the impending color change, actor Vincent Patore made the logical deduction and said "I'll kick somebody's ass if they try to rename that team after my character's name on 'the Sopranos'..."
Rumor 6 - Congress is considering writing a bill that may save sports fans a LOT of trouble. A bill in Senate suggests that Queen's "We Will Rock You" should replace "The Star-Spangled Banner" before non-nationally televised sporting events. This will shave off minutes of irritating over-singing, prevents people from having to learn contracted words from o'er the 1800's and completely eliminates the opportunity of gainful employment for any American Idol rejects. Fans will be requested to clap, stomp and chant "USA, USA, USA".
"It really should have been done a long time ago; to better reflect our citizens, executive staff's morals and military philosophies" said President Bush.
Rumor 7 - The Philadelphia Phillies are going to change their main team's color to pink next season. "Have you tried to keep red bright wash after wash? It's just easier this way" stated team clubhouse attendant and South Philly native Tony Rigatoninomanaciotini. "F%$& 'em in the f&%^#$*g %$%& with a $%$#^, and then do it again" said one average lifelong diehard Phillies fan.
Rumor 8 - The "next Harold Miner" was born somewhere in an obscure location yesterday - 22 years from now when he breaks into the association and takes the world by storm for a week, you'll remember you heard it here first. Prepare adequately.
Rumor 9 - Steve Jeltz held a news conference to tell everyone he's pissed and that he would have hit at least 8 career home runs if he would have taken performance enhancing drugs. When asked about "curse of Steve Jeltz" he responded "I only played 74 games with the Royals, A-hole!"
Rumor 10 - Manny Stiles is too hung over to start a 10th rumor. Although in principle, that would be #10. Conjecture? Hearsay? Logical assumption? You figure it out.
Add a comment if you want to start an unsubstantiatable rumor...
Have a happy and safe 4th, because a lot of brave and outstandingly patriotic people died so you could! - Manny "run-on" Stiles
Date
Tue 07/04/06, 10:56 am EST
