Reviewing the First Quarter of the MLB Season with Harry Doyle
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by user Coreyisarealboy
I made a comment recently under the freshest of DRE-LO's Stock Up/Stock Down for the Week series, saying that the Cubs-White Sox brawl reminded me of the Harry Doyle's line, "Good news fans, the Indians are showing signs of life!" from Major League II. Well, this gave me a great idea for column using his other famous lines from the first and second installments--which are the only two that matter; none of that Back to the Minors crap--to help review the first quarter of the Major League Baseball season.
"Hello, Tribe fans. Welcome to Major League Baseball...sort of."
Kansas City Royals. Was this one too easy? I would change it to the Florida Marlins, but even they have won more games than the lowly Royals and they have a future with the young talent on their team. When Mark Grudzielanek and Doug Mientkiewicz are your blockbuster free agent signings, you know you're in trouble. At least they can boast about their right side infielders' names being harder to spell than any country in Eastern Europe.
"He'll need a rocket up his ass to catch that one."
Barry Bonds. When I was trying to decide whether or not to attribute this one to Barry, I originally thought it wouldn't work because at this point, something catasrophic will have to happen for him not to catch Aaron's record. But then I thought, Barry put almost everything else in his body to help him along the way, why not? Bingo.
(Speaking of criminals, am I the only person who thinks the part where Rick Vaughn tells the big guy at the beginning of Major League II he thought he was still in jail, then the guy deadpans, "I escaped," is one of the funniest lines in the whole movie? Yes? OK, glad we cleared that up.)
"Monty, anything to add?"
"Umm...nope."
"He's not the best color-man in the league for nothing, folks!"
To anyone on the Pirates' roster not named Bay or Casey. Sidekicks haven't been this funny since the days of Dink and Doink on the WWF.
"You know I used to hate Parkman when he was with the A's. It's amazing how a new uniform can change your attitude about a guy."
(covers mic)
"He's still a dick."
A.J. Pierzynski. The similarities between Parkman and Pierzynski are endless. Parkman ends up with the White Sox by the end of the movie; Pierzynski plays for the Sox. Both are catchers. Both formerly played for Bay Area teams. Both are insufferably arrogant. And I enjoyed every minute of both getting punched in the face. Oh wait, that last part never happened in the movie. Even so, the Barrett right cross brought oodles of joy to my heart.
"So, Hiroshi "Kamakazi" Tanaka, recently of the Tokyo Giants, knocks himself cold for the second time this week. Maybe in Japan that's actually better than catching the ball. Personally, I think he's just trying to get out of the lineup."
Rickie Weeks. 14 errors. FOURTEEN FLIPPIN' ERRORS!? You're killing me here. Watching you field a ground ball makes me wish I was a Barbary macaque in the bear pen at the Beekse Bergen Safari Park. Seriously, every time the ball is hit to the right side of the infield, I tense up worse than when it's time to cough during a physical.
"We don't know where Hayes played last year, but I'm sure he did a hell of a job."
Chris Shelton. I know his numbers have fallen off of late, but there is no way anybody outside of Detroit predicted that start. Through 10 games, the guy had a .512 average, seven home runs, and a 1.828 OPS. Amazing.
"It looks like Willie Hayes is trying to hit Rick Vaughn, and why not? Everyone else in the league does."
Josh Towers, who finally got his first win of the season in just his eighth start of the year, lowering his earned run average to an 8.45. It's amazing how the Jays are only three games behind Boston in the AL East.
"Even with Dorn in the owner's box, the Indians are heavy favorites to win the American League East."
Boston and New York. Red Sox Nation was so ecstatic to see Theo Epstein come back, but seriously, with payrolls as high as these two teams have, you'd have to be a complete moron not to build a contender. So it's not a surprise that they are one-two, respectively, in the AL East.
What is a surprise however is how poorly the Yankees have done lately against other top teams. If it weren't for the remarkable comebacks against Texas and the Mets, one might be inclined to say the Yanks are struggling. Although that could very well be because their lineup is starting to mimic the Cubs' rotation.
Since I think I've cashed the vault of Harry Doyle quotes, I'm going to go with a more traditional approach to this thing for the last few points.
NL MVP: Albert Pujols for obvious reasons. If Bonds was doing better and actually helping the Giants win, it'd be a close race between Pujols, the "cream" and the "clear"
AL MVP: Jim Thome simply because there isn't anyone putting up better numbers. It's not as if he's crucial to a defending World Series Champion team that lost virtually nobody, it's just that he's got the best numbers.
NL Cy Young: Brandon Webb, who is probably the only reason the D-Backs are 24-19 right now.
AL Cy Young: Scott Kazmir. I probably didn't have to twist the knife for Mets fans anymore than it already has been. And speaking of being the only reason your team is any good, did anyone else notice the Devil Rays are only four games under .500?
That'll wrap it up, I'll have another one of these coming, in some shape or form, once the All-Star Break comes along.
Date
Mon 05/22/06, 4:58 pm EST
