Professional Athletes Need to Ride Fisher-Price Big Wheels Instead
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by user LastRow
LaVar Arrington became the latest professional athlete member to get inducted in "If I Only Knew How to Drive a Crotch Rocket Before Hopping on One." This bike club is growing by leaps and bounds…Jeff Kent, Kellen Winslow, Jr., ex-Jet Jamie Henderson, Ben Roethlisberger. Who’s the next dimwit? I’d say Mario Williams, but he prefers out of control Ferrari’s instead. Maybe Clinton Portis? You know the next time he’s late to a dog fighting exhibition down the back roads of Virginia. Look, if you buy yourself a 750cc motorbike, you should know that it's going to accelerate just a bit quicker than the Fisher-Price Big Wheels you had when you were five. I'm not Valentino Rossi, six-time MotoGP world champion, but I think I know how fast a crotch rocket can get away from you and the serious repercussions that accompanies them. Apparently, the news doesn’t seem to be spreading — Plain and simple…Hot Wheels have the ability to ruin careers far worse than what Lawrence Taylor did to Joe Theismann! Although, too bad L.T. didn’t do something to Joey T’s yap instead!
Once again we really see how stupid professional athletes are! Just because you’re labeled as such doesn’t mean you are fully able of barring any kind of injury from crashing a motorcycle. I'm sure LaVar feels no shame answering the question, "How did you get hurt?" with "Motorcycle crash." And why would he…It’s not like this is new to us. Why, it’s becoming the new offseason passion. Sure, all whom injure themselves vary…Some are much more legitimate and severe than others. But then, what if someone asks you the follow-up question: "How fast were you going and where did you crash?" This is where you start looking not so cool and more like you forgot to read the "Motorcycles for Dummies" handbook, because if you did the odds of this occurring on a regular summertime basis would be less likely. I suppose you doofs could always lie and say you were doing 160 trying to elude the cops on the interstate. They make hit rap songs about that, you know. They might be able to swing a country song or two about that if rap/hip hop isn’t your thing.
You know when somebody can’t swim, thay don’t venture out into the water. Wow, what a concept and you know it actually makes complete sense. So why doesn’t this concept then apply to athletes and their Hot Wheels? What is this thing about athletes and crotch rockets anyway? You make millions every year to play football, and you might even make a few bucks not playing, in Lavar’s case Shouldn't you be driving a Hummer, a Benz, a Lexus, or some other status-mobile? Big Pimpin mean anything to you? It’s not like you have to impress ladies…Not like your riding skills would do so anyway splattered all over the pavement like road kill. Doing your best impression of a raccoon that got slammed by a Chevy Tahoe rather than fantasizing like you’re the next coming of Evil Knievel.
Look, your dumbasses livelihoods (professional athletes) is based on the speed and strength of your arms and legs. That's your investment, an investment that pays a pretty good dividend. To protect your investment, shouldn’t you stay away from anything remotely hazardous to your body? Or at least do your homework and read the "Motorcycles for Dummies" handbook . Just a thought? Did all you fail your written driving test the first time you took it and you only passed your driving test five days before you wrecked. Just because you were able to pass your driving test doesn’t mean there’s reason of blowing off taking driving lessons. But then again, I forgot you all are "professionals". It’s just like when one gets drafted, he needs to learn the tricks of the trade before everything becomes natural…Same concept applies to these machines! You dig now? Or perhaps this concept will be thought of more in depth as the next professional dumbass is carted away on a stretcher from his boneheadedism!
Congratulations LaVar on your induction into the ever popular growing club!
