Ozzie and the Straw
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by MUDaveFan
We can't believe we haven't talked about this! When we first saw the previews for the new Simpsons movie, we thought to ourselves, "Oh man, this is going to be so stupid." But then we thought about how much The Simspons meant to us while growing up. They were part of our family. No wait, they WERE our family. They deserve our money.
The best episode of this classic show is by far and away "Homer at the Bat." For all of you who have never seen this episode...fuck off! For all of you who have, you know what I'm talking about. Here is a Cliff's Notes version of the episode. Mr. Burns makes a bet with another millionaire on whose softball team is better. Mr. Burns asks Smithers to get certain players like Cap Anson, Babe Ruth, and Honus Wagner. When Mr. Burns is told that all of his players are dead, he recruits the following team:
The "Smartest Men Alive" thought about this episode and have broken down each player and what happened to them. We feel that Ken Griffey Jr. and Jose Canseco need to switch places.
First Base: Don Mattingly
Mr. Burns demands he shaves his sideburns. When Mattingly shows up with a partially shaved head, it's priceless. "But Skip, I don't HAVE sideburns." We think it would have been funnier if Mark McGwire was the first baseman but we remembered that this episode was in 1992 and McGwire had yet to start juicing...or had he? Chinese riddle for ya!
Second Base: Steve Sax Who the hell is Steve Sax anyway? We couldn't even tell you what team Sax played for. But we think he played for the Yankees because didn't everyone? He was arrested for several unsolved murders by the Springfield Police. It would have been funnier if it was Steve Howe instead of Steve Sax but Howe was a pitcher. Oh well!
Shortstop: Ozzie Smith Barry Larkin should have been the shortstop. Yes, we are total Cincinnati homers. HA! Homers! Get it? (da da dum!) Ozzie falls into Springfield's Mystery Spot. What is funny is that Ozzie is a total tourist and would rather take pictures with his camera than play baseball. This is funny because we can totally see Ozzie being like this in real life. He reminds us of the Japanese tourists that take pictures of Sbarro or McDonald's while walking around New York City.
Third Base: Wade Boggs So is this Boston Red Sox Wade Boggs or New York Yankees? If it's Yankees, then why didn't Mr. Burns just buy the entire Yankee team? Hey! That's a great idea for an episode! But we digress. Wade gets in a fight with Barney Gumble because they are arguing about British Prime Ministers. Barney is one of the funniest characters in the show's history. Whenever he is sober, he is hilarious.
Left Field: Jose Canseco This douchebag got the nod over Barry Bonds? Wait...Bonds is an even bigger douchebag! Is it a rule that in order to play left field, you have to be a giant ass hat? Anyway, Jose missed the game because he had to save a lady from a house fire. And her cat. And her other cat. And her washing machine. And her...
Center Field: Ken Griffey Jr. This was when Griffey was in the prime of his career, the best player in baseball, and everyone's favorite player. Yet in this episode, he drinks some of Mr. Burns "nerve tonic" and his head grows to a freakish size. This is bullshit because it totally should have been Canseco who got the big head but it did allow Jr. to utter one of the best lines ever in the history of the show. "It's like there's a party in my mouth...and everyone's invited!"
Right Field: Darryl Strawberry The only player who doesn't have something happen to him and this happens to be Homer's position. He ends up getting replaced by Homer because Mr. Burns believes that you need to have a right handed hitter facing a left handed pitcher. It wasn't that funny back then but now, it's hilarious because it's as if Mr. Burns was played by Jerry Narron! When Bart and Lisa taunt Darryl was also a top 10 moment in the history of the show. "Daaaaaaaaarryl! Daaaaaaaaaarryl! He's a baseball player, he can take it."
Catcher: Mike Scioscia Mike gets radiation poisoning because he is such a workhorse at the power plant. When there is a spill, he asks if there are any suits that he needs to wear. Good old Lenny and Carl tell him he doesn't need to worry about it. But of course he ends up going into the hospital where he asks, "Will I be able to play in the softball game tomorrow?" Dr. Hibbert gives his patented laugh and states, "By tomorrow you will barely be able to breathe." Seriously...comic gold!
Pitcher: Roger Clemens Roger visits a hypnotist and then thinks that he is a chicken. This again wasn't as funny then as it is now. We can totally see Roger doing this on the mound because someone offered him $1 million. Roger will do anything for money. Crazy bastard.
So there it is...the best episode of The Simpsons ever. We wish we could go back to 1992. We'd only be 10 or 11 years old and would have no care in the world. Instead, we are now in the real world and have jobs. Our next project? We are suing MTV for false advertisement in regards to The Real World . Our "real world" is nothing like that. But at least we can sing here at work...
"Well, Mr. Burns had done it. The power plant had won it. With Roger Clemens clucking all the while. Mike Scioscia's tragic illness made us smile. While Wade Boggs lay unconscious on the barroom tile. We're talking softball. From Maine to San Diego. Talking softball.
Mattingly and Canseco. Ken Griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw. Steve Sax and his run-in with the law. We're talking Homer, Ozzie, and the Straw!"
Originally published at http://ifrevonlyhadabrain.blogspot.com/
