Overweight Wannabe Hairdresser Finally Admits!
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After years of speculation from everyone that has met the tubby attention seaker, Darren Fitzsimons as revealed that he is, in fact, gay. "It was so obvious" said one 'friend' "He was always rather camp and would only wear clothes four sizes to small. It was a horrible sight, although he does have the largest man boobs I've ever seen."
This is the first shred of truth that has passed Miss Fitzsimons lips in at least three years. Many hilarious tales of the amount of women he’s slept with and how his best friend ‘Bob’ is getting him a job in the financial centre of the UK have kept people in fits of giggles behind his back. Although, he will probably be best remembered for his on going saga with on/off ‘girlfriend’, Sammy Williams. It is true to say that she is an ugly gobby little thing but she is quite clearly the only female that is happy to let, what resembles a beached whale to lie on top of her. Many a time, listeners cowered in horror as Darren recalled his sexual antics of the previous night. Other conquests include two ugly, fat retarded monkeys that had vision impairments; and sloppy seconds. This goes someway to show how others knew of his batting for the other team long before his announcement.
Other tell-tale signs included his infatuation with spiky haired pretty boys, who he later left the Wrexham wench to move in with. Over compensation such as playing ‘manly’ computer games and a pathetically short rugby career were fooling no one mate!
Darren is currently living in Ireland, London, America, France, Egypt, Botswana and Swaziland all at the same time, where he enjoys fictional writing and his latest piece ‘my facebook profile’ has just been nominated for the BAFTA Comedy Awards.
A life time of lying about being a outcast, social retard have finally caught up with him and his confession of being as gay as a night in with Graham Norton and Steven Gately was shortly followed by his ugly confession of losing his virginity to Sammy and how his pet ant, ‘Virgil’ was his only friend through his teenage years.
Although don’t be fooled by his new found honest… Darren is planning to marry Gay Chris after his sex change as “he will be all woman then and I won’t be confused by the blowjobs!”
Of course this is nowhere near close to happening and Darren will continue to lie and cheat his way through life until he ends up living in a retirement home having no friends or money and only with Sammy by his side to argue with.
