One Trade Deadline to Rule Them All
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by Bryanallain
This year, the Major League Baseball trade deadline came and went with little fanfare. With most of the league’s 30 teams within reach of a playoff spot as of July 31, there were few teams who proclaimed themselves sellers in the market. This led to a shortage of expendable players and a collective yawn from sports fans around the country. Especially when the biggest deal of the deadline was a power-hitting first baseman going to play for the Atlanta Braves in exchange for a catcher, Jarrod Saltalamacchia, whose 14-letter surname means “sodium flavored coffee drink” in Latin.
The news coverage of the deadline did get me thinking however; about what it would be like if there was a trade deadline in life for entities other than only sports teams. What if your favorite cafe could trade away its signature blend of coffee to McDonald’s in exchange for carrying the Egg McMuffin on their menu? What if the state of Florida traded the panhandle away to Alabama in exchange for some voting machines? What would the downside be to this happening?
In fact, I’m proposing that we declare the 31st day of August as the universal trade deadline. I believe establishing a date like this would give people young and old the impetus they need to mix things up in their lives by exchanging something old for something new. Deals between completely unrelated people and industries would not only be allowed, they would be strongly encouraged. After a long summer of lazy vacations and oppressive heat, the Universal Trade Deadline would be just the nudge that many of us need to get back on track as productive members of society.
Since there’s no chance in getting the universal trade deadline recognized as a national holiday any sooner than 2008, I decided to speculate on what trades would have happened this month had the trade deadline been in place for August 31, 2007. So without further ado, here are the 20 deals that I think the Universal Trade Deadline would have made possible.
1. ABC’s hit show ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ trades away Dr. McDreamy to the New York Yankees for Alex Rodriguez. This trade was a no-brainer when you consider that A-Rod has referred to himself as ‘McDreamy’ in the mirror hundreds of times over the past few years. Grey’s Anatomy executive producer Allan Heinberg has already started writing an episode for Season 4 entitled “Indigo Kiss” which revolves solely around A-Rod’s purple lips. Over in the Bronx, Patrick Dempsey goes 6 for 91 in the month of September, proving to be a much better hitter than A-Rod has ever been when the games really matter.
2. The New York Knicks trade Eddy Curry and Stephon Marbury to ESPN for Senior Writer Bill Simmons, aka “The Sports Guy”. In his first act as Simmons’ boss, Knicks GM Isiah Thomas has The Sports Guy’s larynx, tongue, and fingers surgically removed from his body, rendering him incapable of hurling any more insults at the once proud franchise. Naturally, Simmons was unable to provide a comment on the trade. Over at the Worldwide Leader, Curry and Marbury are put to work as color analysts for WNBA games and the World Series of Darts.
3. The WWE trades away their high TV ratings to the NBA for ex-referee Tim Donaghy. David Stern couldn’t say ‘yes’ to this deal fast enough, as NBA ratings are at an all-time low. The same goes for the WWE, who have been salivating over Donaghy’s services since they first heard of the corrupt referee who was gambling on games he officiated in. Word on the street is that WWE President Vince McMahon had been beating himself up for the past month for not having concocted that storyline himself. Donaghy has already been signed to referee the feature match at Wrestlemania 24 next March.
4. In a huge 3-way deal, Michigan gives away the Upper Peninsula to Wisconsin in exchange for 5 tons of cheddar cheese. The Wolverine State then trades away the cheese to Canada in exchange for Toronto and a few bags of those pink Canada mints. Remember Canada mints? I loved those things. Not too hard, not too soft, just the right amount of mint. Are they the official mint of Canada? Do they sell them at Edmonton Oilers home games? Does Canada get paid royalty fees for the use of their name? They should.
5. CBS trades away freshman news anchor Katie Couric to NBC in exchange for actor Jason Lee from the TV show “My Name is Earl”. You’re telling me you wouldn’t watch Jason Lee try to anchor the CBS Evening News? Even if it was only for a week or two, CBS would enjoy ratings that were off the charts. In her new role at the Peacock network, Couric would star in her own reality show called “My Name is Katie” where she infiltrates substance abuse support groups to see if she can last the entire meeting without being asked to leave. Tune in next week when you’ll hear Katie say, “Hi, my name is Katie and I’ve been struggling with Chap-Stick addiction since 2002. I hit rock bottom last week when I blacked out for 2 days and woke up in my bathtub sucking on a stick of Medicated Lip Balm like it was a fudgesicle.”
6. Wrigley Field trades away the ivy on its outfield walls to T.G.I. Friday’s in exchange for a year’s supply of spinach artichoke dip. The restaurant chain subsequently divides up the ivy into 500 pieces and plants a piece of it outside of each U.S. locations. The move backfires for the Cubs, however, when Carlos Zambrano becomes the first major league pitcher to weigh in at over 600 pounds.
7. Britney Spears’ trades away her hair, fame, credibility, and Justin Timberlake for an ex-husband named K-Fed, a rehab stint, and a terrible album to be named later. Oh wait, this already happened.
8. The month of March trades away one of its 31 days to February in exchange for President’s Day. Here’s a copy of the press release: In a move to become a bigger player in the Holiday game, March acquires President’s Day in exchange for becoming a 30-day month. March’s spokesman, Caesar Ides said of the trade, “We feel that we have quite a stable of holidays with St. Patrick’s Day, the first day of spring, one out of every five Easters, and now President’s Day. Clearly, this move makes us a major player in the Holiday Game.” November and December could not be reached for comment.
9. The L.A. Galaxy trade David Beckham to the Pittsburgh Penguins for Sidney Crosby. And still no one really cares.
10. The city of San Diego trades its weather to New England for Patriots football coach Bill Belichick. The move backfires in both cities. While the Chargers go on to win 3 consecutive Super Bowls under Belichick’s watch, half of the city’s population leaves when they remember what it’s like to live through the humid summers and cold winters of the northeast. Back in New England, the residents realize they’d rather freeze their extremities off rooting for a winning football team than have nice weather and live through the early nineties Patriots all over again.
11. Jose Canseco trades away the small sliver of credibility that he has left to “A Million Little Pieces” author James Frey in return for the small sliver of fame that Frey still clings to. Credibility without publicity means nothing to Canseco, which is why he’d do anything to stay in the news, even if it means getting ripped a new one by Oprah in front of an audience filled with emotional women. Frey, who used the credibility he received in the trade to start speaking around the country, was puzzled by the fact that the number one thing audiences ask him is: “Were those little colored balls stuck to the hand that graced the cover of your book actually candy?” Oprah was not available for comment as she was reportedly hanging out with Carlos Zambrano eating spinach artichoke dip.
12. Katie Holmes trades away all of the future monies she will earn from the syndication rights to Dawson’s Creek in exchange for “having her freaking life back.” When Holmes’ husband Tom Cruise was asked about the trade, the actor and scientologist smiled and said, “Just like Xenu, who 75 million years ago brought billions of people to earth in a spacecraft, I will continue to bring happiness and joy to Katie’s life as she strives to become an Operating Level Thetan.”
13. Barry Bonds trades his entire collection of baseball hats to clothing company L.L.Bean in exchange an all-cotton mock turtleneck and a pair of pleated wool chinos. In a brilliantly resourceful move, L.L. Bean reupholsters all of the hats with a water-resistant fabric, pops a thin shaft into the crown, and resells them as oversized golf umbrellas.
14. In a class-action trade, all NASCAR fans trade away 1 year of their lives for a case of Budweiser. “It was a tough call,” said group spokesman Chuck Mulletstache. “But what’s an extra year of your life worth if you’re living it without the King of Beers?”
15. The children’s TV show “Sesame Street” trades Big Bird to the Milwaukee Bucks for Yi Jianlian and Charlie Villanueva. Unlike how they feel about Milwaukee, Chinese Officials are satisfied with the rich ethnic diversity on Sesame Street and allow Yi to sign on with the Children’s Television Workshop. As for Big Bird, the Bucks announce that they will start him at power forward next year and share their plans to bulk him up with a strict off-season workout regimen consisting of weightlifting and “a diet of something other than birdseed.” As for Villanueva, he was released from Sesame Street roster the following day and is now circling the globe with Whoopi Goldberg in search of eyebrows.
16. The producers of the TV show “LOST” trade away the native island dwelling ‘Others’ for the entire roster of the Cincinnati Bengals. What’s worse than being stranded on a freaky island? Being stranded on a freaky island with Chris Henry, Odell Thurman, and Reggie McNeal. Our prayers are with Matthew Fox and company.
(If you’re a LOST fan wondering what type of team the new-look Bengals will field on opening day, I’m hearing that Ben will start at running back, Tom will play fullback, Alex’s boyfriend Karl will be the tight end, Juliet, Richard, and Alex will be the wide receivers, and Jacob will start at QB.)
17. In a unprecedented 5-person Hollywood Blockbuster Deal, Jessica Simpson trades Nick Lachey to Vanessa Minnillo who trades Derek Jeter to Jessica Biel who trades Justin Timberlake to Scarlett Johansson who trades Josh Hartnett to Penelope Cruz who trades John Mayer back to Jessica Simpson. I wish I had made this up.
18. The Screen Actors Guild trades Eva Longoria to the San Antonio Spursfor Manu Ginobili. Spurs’ management is happy with the deal because they were growing tired of Longoria eating all of the team’s food during the post-game meals. “You should see her with the spinach artichoke dip,” one anonymous source said. “She drops a piece of bamboo in there like a straw and doesn’t stop until she sees the bottom of the bowl.” The Screen Actors Guild is equally excited about their end of the deal, as they had grown tired of seeing Manu act out the role of “basketball player being fouled by opponent” without paying membership dues as his fellow actors do.
19. Fans of the former HBO Show “The Sopranos” trade in the last 10 seconds of the series finale for a bag of chips. Industry insiders all agree that it was a great trade for the fans because, as one analyst put it, “a bag of chips is worth a whole lot more than staring at a blank screen on your television for ten seconds.”
20. The Arizona Cardinals trade Edgerrin James to the Bengals for Rudi Johnson and Chad Johnson. Once the paperwork is signed however, it is discovered that Arizona had not been dealing with the Cincinnati Bengals, but had actually swapped players with the Passaic Bengals, a Pop Warner football team from New Jersey. When the two brothers, Rudi age 11 and Chad age 12, show up to the press conference, reporters question Arizona as to whether or not this was a case of mistaken identity. Dennis Green emphatically denies the charges over and over again, yelling, “They were who we thought they were!”
