On behalf of disgruntled fans of the St. Louis Blues...
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by user Burnsy
Once upon a time I had a love affair with a little sport called hockey. In the early 90s it captured my attention and by the 1992-93 season I was avidly following one of the franchises of this league from my beloved city of St. Louis. I even stuck with it through the shortened 95 season.
However, the players grew even greedier and the teams caved in, crippling their operations with absurd contracts, eventually leading to a players’ strike that, in turn, crippled my affection for this once–darling seductress called hockey. The greed stabbed me in the heart in the same place that once carried a firmly-wedged arrow from Cupid, adorned with the pride of the St. Louis Blues.
(More like the St. Louis Black and Blues, right? Right guys?)
Yes, I once loved a NHL franchise. But that love has dissipated and turned into rage, hatred, contempt and sometimes rampant horniness, but I think that’s just an unrelated issue that I’ll need to consult a doctor about.
But as of today, I, Ashley Burns, am hereby renouncing my fan strike of the NHL. I am opening my arms once again to the St. Louis Blues. They need me more than I need them and they have now shown me that they are dedicated to winning again by signing none other than Paul Kariya to turn this franchise back into not only a perennial playoff contender, but a possible Stanley Cup threat.
I will now open questioning to the press, except for you, Rachel Nichols. I told you if you sent me one more nude photo that I would execute a restraining order with little haste. I’m talking deportation, bitch. Now back off.
As always, I ask that you all address me with a greater deal of respect than anyone else by using my full name and title.
Anderson Cooper: “Burnsy, you magnificent slab of dehydrated man jerky…”
(He doesn’t like females like I do.)
Burnsy: “OK, honestly, it’s a little creepy coming from you, dude. Go stand in the corner with Mike Greenberg. Oh, and eyes up here buddy. If I wanted you to stare at my dick, I’d tell Erin Andrews to take her pants off, which will be soon enough.”
Erin Andrews: “Eagerly awaiting it, master.”
Wolf Blitzer: “General Burnsy Von Bismarck of the 69th Reich, can you please explain what hockey is? We all think you’re making it up.”
Burnsy: “Hockey is a magical sport in which men on steel blades glide across a frozen arena of ice while trying to send a small rubber disc into the opposing franchise’s goal using long wooden sticks.”
Blitzer: “I call bullshit. Men don’t ice skate.”
Peter Jennings (from the dead): “I know it sounds like a bedtime story, but as a Canadian I assure you hockey is a real sport. It has fans and players and everything. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to burning for eternity in Canadian hell. It’s a lot like American hell but more moose.”
(Peter Jennings: Dead or Canadian? Both!)
Stephen A. Smith: “QUITE FRANKLY, BURNSY, HOCKEY IS A RACIST SPORT BECAUSE THE OWNERS HAVE NOT ALLOWED BLACK ATHLETES TO DOMINATE IT.”
Burnsy: “And yet I stopped watching it.”
Kathleen Koch: “Magnificent Balls of Burnsy…”
Burnsy: (Uncontrollable giggling)
Koch: “Why are you laughing, Burnsy?”
Burnsy: “Koch… tee hee.”
Koch: “Very mature, your highness. What did the Blues do to you that caused you to turn your back on them like you never knew them at all?”
Burnsy: “Twenty-four straight years that franchise made the playoffs. I never once complained about no Stanley Cups during that time. Well, OK, maybe every single season, but at least we were in the playoffs. Then the real madness started to happen. Hull. Cujo. The F-ing Gretzky debacle and the entire Keenan era for that matter. Even as I turned my back I still heard of the Blues becoming the worse team in the NHL. Pronger’s gone. MacInnis retired, but is at least relegated to front office duties. And Guerin’s gone. I mean, we sent Tkachuk packing but at least he’s back. Most of all, it’s just the horrible ownership. I can’t handle owners that lack passion and desire to win. It’s like being a Cubs fan, except knowing you’re in a better city than Chicago with women who don’t need to be weighed at truck stations.”
(Mike Keenan, you sir are the devil!)
Koch: “You’re so passionate about your St. Louis sports. Could I perhaps have Erin’s sloppy seconds?”
Burnsy: “Ew. You’re old. Go away.”
Matt Drudge: “What up, son?”
Burnsy: “Chillin’, nephew. Holla atcha boy.”
Drudge: “Damn, you sound so urban. So how do you see the Blues 2007-08 campaign with Paul Kariya, but more importantly you back on board?”
Burnsy: “I see the Blues losing six games all season, as they’ll average 46 goals per game. I wish I could do more for them, but I’m only one man. They’ll sweep their way through the playoffs, but lose two in the Stanley Cup Finals so they can win the Cup in St. Louis. After they win, the citizens of St. Louis will take to the streets, rioting and burning cars in celebration. However, those streets will be in Illinois because St. Louis fans aren’t violent retards.”
Erin Andrews: “Are you almost done Burnsy? I’m achin’ for the bacon.”
Burnsy: “This press conference is adjourned for baby making.”
