NBA Draft Winners and Losers
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by Kwinger 00
This article was originaly written on my blog -/<- Sports Stop on June 29, 2007. Let's take a look back at this year's NBA Draft:
WINNERS
1. Joakim Noah - YOU DID IT! You successfully tricked everyone in thinking that you are a good basketball player. Now if you could only trick people into thinking that you aren't that ugly.
2. Spencer Hawes - Let's see. Weaknesses: lack of bulk, unimposing defender, too white, slow, not athletic, and weak on the boards. Maybe you're right when you said in your interview with Stuart Scott that when you mature and fill out, you'll get faster and quicker. Good luck with that. On the positive side, and the reason you're a winner, you are the #10 pick, which means you will be making some serious dough, and you are going to Sacramento, where Vlade Divac and Brad Miller were somehow successful slow white guys.
3. Portland - read any of the 7.6 million sites that have them listed as winners of the Draft.
[1] 4. The Bench Press Bar - In the highly anticipated Pay-per-view event, the bench press bar dominated Kevin Durant. It was over in a hurry as the bar, who came in with a dismal 0-77 record having been defeated by the entire draft class (except Oden because of his wrist injury and Yi because he was probably wasted at the Shrek 3 premiere), quickly smothered his helpless opponent, who started on his back. The bar quickly pinned Durant, who needed a small child who was in the room to help him lift the bar from his chest.
5. San Antonio - They have Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili, and Eva Longoria's husband, and they are defending champs. Do they need anyone else. The answer is no, so they picked a dude from Brazil and one from Greece. Rumor has it that they are trying to get someone from each region around the world to truly become "World Champs." The pick I liked was the kid out of Connecticut, Marcus Williams. He's a good point guard with a chip on his shoulder. Even though he's been in some troub...wait, not that Marcus Williams? Oh, I don't know anything about the SF from Arizona. Anyway, good job San Antonio.
6. Greg Oden - Did everything right. Cracked jokes with Stu, dressed normal (see Noah, Joakim), truly looked like he was enjoying his time, and went to the unanimous biggest winner, the Blazers. He'll be great for a couple years, until he has to retire because of old age.
7. Jared Jordan and Justin Doellman - Congratulations on having normal wingspans. Jordan (no relation to Michael because he is extremely white), the 6'0" (without shoes - thanks for the clarification DraftExpress) guard from Marist has an astounding 6'0" wingspan. The 6'8.75" Doellman, out of Xavier, has a 6'8.75" wingspan. I'm waiting for a prospect to have one of his weaknesses be his wingspan. Maybe a 6'9" power forward nicknamed "T-Rex" with a 6'4" wingspan, and his right arm is 2 inches longer than his left. That'll be the day. Until then, we'll have to put up with guys like Ekene Ibekwe (6'8.5" with a 7'6" wingspan) and Zabian Dowdell (6'1.5" with a 6'10" wingspan).
8. Americans - Overall, a good day for American basketball players. Except for Yi, the top 17 draft picks played college ball in the United States. Remember years like 2002 when a plethora of players were drafted that didn't have vowels in their last names? I think a guy actually had a number in his name that year. I'm getting sick of all of these European soccer turned basketball players that flop like they just got sniped by someone from the rafters. It's getting a little ridiculous.
LOSERS
1. Atlanta - No comment is necesesary. You have just ruined the careers of 2 of my favorite prospects. Thanks.
[2] 2. Joakim Noah - Are you serious? As you were walking past your mirror out the door, you didn't stop and say, "Maybe I should wash my hair again and put it up in a pony. And maybe this bow tie doesn't look that good after all." Instead you just kept walking. Bad choice.
3. Chicago - For drafting that mess at #9. Even though Aaron Gray and his 15% body fat and JamesOn Curry were solid (no pun intended) picks in the second round, you still get to be on the losers list for drafting Noah at #9. Unless of course you plan on him developing a shot outside of 5 feet and gaining 40 pounds of muscle, he's just a really wealthy cheerleader.
4. Yi Jianlian - One day, you're living the life in an Asian-rich community, going to movie premieres and parties, and denying certain teams (read: Milwaukee) from seeing your workouts. The next thing you know, your stranded in the Midwest by a lot of, well, non-Asians. At least they like to drink, which is an element of a party.
4. Portland - Just kidding. This will probably be the only site that will have them as losers of the NBA Draft. Just wanted you to see something different.
5. Kevin Durant - Here's is what transpired in the interview with Stuart Scott after the Sonics drafted him #2: Scott : "You tested out to be the 78th best prospect out of 80. The last two were guys that didn't even do four of the tests. So, you tested out to be the worst prospect in the Draft. You didn't go #1, and you lost to the bench press. You have no personality, and you are going to a place where it rains 366 days out of the year. How do you feel?" Durant : "Pretty good. I'm excited I guess."
6. Acie Law XVIII - For not being a good "perimeter shot blocker" as Jay Bilas said. Quick, Jay, list off the top 5 perimeter shot blockers for me. I need to know these things.
7. Stephen A. Smith - For his head not blowing up when he was discussing why Chicago shouldn't have drafted Noah. It was close, and it would've been great television.
[3] 8. Giorgos Printezis - What were you doing at the draft? And why did you decide to wander like Shooter in Hoosiers onto the stage? You were the 58th pick - and you're from Greece; did you really need to go on stage? It was extremely awkward for everyone, even the viewers at home had to look away from their televisions and cover their children's eyes. Brutal comedy. I bet he told his "buddy" that was sitting next to him that he had an extra ticket to the NBA Draft. Little did his "buddy" know that Printezis was actually a basketball player, one that had a chance at getting drafted. What do you think that guy was thinking when his friend actually got up and went on stage? The best part was when Printezis was looking back at his friend with a look on his face that said, "Watch this, I'm actually going to go on stage. This is going to be extremely awkward."
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