Michigan Wolverines Witness Protection Program
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by Doug Kaufman
After Saturday afternoon’s defeat from Appalachian State, the Michigan Wolverines entire football program have been seen downtown Detroit at the Federal Building. Its only speculation, but sources say that the program has filed for the FBI’s witness protection program. The line was intense as the FBI wasn’t expecting such a large group. The team was prepared though as they knew they would be waiting for hours, they had volunteers bring in food for them. The volunteers, from all over, have felt pity for the Wolverines - even a few of the officials from the game.
We found Chad Henne in line waiting to be processed wearing a motorcycle helmet as to not be recognized by the media or the fans. When asked about how he thought the fans might feel that they had to wait for the team to be processed first, he looked stunned that we asked him. He did say “I don’t care how the fans feel”. We also found Lloyd Carr not filling out papers, but to show moral support for his team. When asked if he was going to start over, he responded “its hard to put a new team together”.
As the team is inside filling out paperwork, we found the fans - hundreds of them waiting outside angry and hungry. “It will take days for them to process all of these fans” stated one who lives on campus in Ann Arbor. “I’m completely embarrassed and can’t even show my face to family or friends”. We found another who said he tried to apply for the military, however, it seems that Uncle Sam knows of the tragedy and they have enough issues.
The President of the University of Michigan has a larger problem. The foreign exchange program and their respective governments have flexed their options of being cleared of all passing grades and full Masters Degree’s in their respective fields. Also, they are requesting this immediately and leaving to return to their respective countries.
We have been informed however, that the team and its program members will more than likely be rejected. Sources say the due to the high profile nature of the individuals, they are too recognizable and their isn’t anything that they may be able to do for them. As to the fans, over 40,000 have been processed already and they are now blending in with the general public while another 20,000 are still waiting with more applications arriving daily. Sources at the FBI say that they are in either green and white or red and gray. Strange uniforms to say the least but they will be safe and not recognized as Wolverine fans. Due to the high volume of applications, the FBI has encouraged for those out of state to see their local FBI offices for processing.
