Memo to Derby Organizers…Please Switch to Aluminum Bats Because The Bronx is Burning!
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by user LastRow
How many of you have this same thought…Wondering what kind of "special bat" Big Papi gave to Vlad? Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he did because up until then I thought I was watching the celebrity softball game. Where the only excitement would come as "The Shag Ball Kids" tried to avoid getting snipered by the "Ryan Howard This is How to Hit a Double Contest". If anything’s for sure, last night we found out that needles & syringes aren’t as prevalent as they once were…Thus causing in typical baseball fashion "A Borefest"! Should’ve watched a Devil Rays/Royals game or spiced things up a bit with an interleague tilt with the Pirates & the Devil Rays. If for nothing else, those needles & syringes that not only gave the players "life" as they say, but this "Glorified Batting Practice" was just that, glorified…When balls hit by "Juiced Up Incredible Hulks" were flying out of parks at warp speeds and distances.
Okay, so the second round was like me slurping down a Red Bull or getting poked with a B12 vitamin shot…Giving me wings, but once that wears off everything comes crashing down. Thus is what happened last night! And just yesterday I sat here typing away praising the Home Run Derby as the single greatest All-Star fan event…Perhaps I may want to rethink that one. As the home runs went MIA on our ass last night, so did our attention…The three stooges doing the broadcast said something to the realm of, "This is not a hitters park" which factored into balls not flying out of the park at a feverish clip, doesn’t make any sense to me! That right there falls into the logical category of "What’s a Game Face" and "Our backs are up against the wall now, so we’re coming to play now". Yeah, and that dude who came up with the grand idea of having reports from McCovey Cove by Kenny Mayne, well, he got his pink slip early in the day! Although why didn’t they just leave Mayne out there and direct him to the Pacific Ocean? It’s where he belongs anyway…Definitely would have been much more exciting than Vlad being interviewed about not wearing batting gloves in some kind of jibberish nobody could understand! For God sake’s let Erin Andrews be on camera more!
Instead of seeing the lovely Gator herself, (gosh that right there is why I’m slowly becoming a Gator backer) we’re stuck seeing John Kruk and Steve Phillips in studio to analyze the derby. Analyzing a Home Run Derby…Is that along the same lines of watching CSI: Miami raid a house only to find out who they’re looking for is not there? Although just so we understand he’s not there, "H" tells us that he’s not there…Thanks! Wonder what "H" would tell us about Barry? Home Run Derby…Only concept there is, the "secret strategy", hit the little white ball long and hard! And here’s another secret… Guerrero hit a lot of home runs. What were these clowns doing in the studio anyway…Shouldn’t they have been out there in Homo Country? Since when doesn’t the whole crew report live from the All-Star Game venue? What’s up with dat? What, is Kruk homophobic? Don’t travel the dirt road, do you?
In typical ESPN fashion, they try their damndest to hype everything they do up…No difference last night in Frisco with so many interviews trying to get the scoop around AT&T park and commercials, they forgot to factor in time. Yeah, the new show they were force feeding to us last night…The Bronx is Burning, well let’s just say no one on the east coast called the fire department! Nope, due to the three-hour hitting marathon by the Bay…We just let the Bronx burn! Kudos again to you cats…Never cease to amaze!
So last night we learned several things about the Derby…No steroids equals a lame ass Home Run Derby, but a hell of a "Lets See if We Can Pick Off The Shag Ball Kids With Our Line Drives" contest. Would somebody get Victor Conte on the phone! Maybe next year Balco can sponsor this event…Or at the very least switch to aluminum bats for this showcase to regain the "AWE" effect because without the Roid Raging Animals you have nothing! However, more important, no chicks dig base hits! Without a doubt the most important thing we learned from watching this borefest…Never, Ever jump a man in the batters box who still needs one more long ball to win! Now that right there…Nobody can’t say they didn’t want to see Vlad have to go into the infamous "Bat Off" against Rios after getting mugged by his jumping bean boys who are moronic enough and don’t understand the number value in this country! Perhaps the ESPN DEPORTES reporting should’ve explained it to them! No Boys…2-2, that’s a tie! That would’ve just made up for an entire bewilderment of a night if that gaffe happened! Derby Lore!
I knew I should’ve watched that Arena League playoff game! GOSH…I’m such an idiot!
