MLB Loves Cancer
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by user Tmil42
Major League Baseball is cancer's #1 fan.
Ok, I should probably explain that a little bit. There are a couple of different definitions of a cancer, but there's only two that actually work with my premise. The first is the actual, medical definition of cancer. The other is the proverbial clubhouse cancer, the one that kills morale and chemistry within a team. Just to be clear here, I'm talking about everyone that makes decisions in baseball, not just Bud Selig, because you really can't blame the commissioner for everything that goes wrong in the baseball world. Well, you can, it's more fun that way, but it's not really fair to Bud.
If you ask a casual sports fan about what's wrong with baseball today, I guarantee that a majority of these people will say that steroids is #1 on their list. Obviously the face of the steroids scandal is Barry Bonds. However, to more intimate fans of baseball, HGH (Human Growth Hormone) is the more serious problem facing MLB today and in the near future. Just under a month ago, Los Angeles Angel of Anaheim (is that how you say that? I have no idea) Gary Matthews Jr., he of the catch that landed him a $50 million contract (tell me this catch wasn't better), was implicated in a raid on a pharmacy that sold steroids and other PEDs over the internet. Convicted steroid user Jason Grimsley was also among the names mentioned in the NY investigation. Bill Stoneman, the GM for the Los Angeles Angels of Anah...ah, screw it, I'm just going to call them the California Angels from now on...anyway, Stoneman said that there would be no plans to punish Matthews, and that essentially the Angels organization was passing the buck on to the commissioners office. So far, MLB has been remarkably quiet in their investigation, because, according to them, they feel it would be wrong to comment on an ongoing investigation. However, I seem to remember that didn't (and still doesn't) stop them from talking about Barry Bonds behind his back like he's their rival for homecoming queen. Believe me, I'm not a huge Bonds fan, but it stinks of hypocrisy that the governing body of baseball would take such a keen interest in Barry, but not in Matthews Jr. If only Gary Matthews Jr. was close to breaking Hank Aaron's RBI record, Bud would be on that like Pete Rose on anything that might make him relevant again.
Getting back to my original premise of MLB being allies with cancer. Barry Bonds has been a clubhouse cancer for years. So was Raphael Palmeiro after testing positive for steroids in the summer of 2005. Palmeiro's suspension sent the already faltering Orioles into a free fall that eventually ended in a fiery explosion. Raffy's punishment for this was a 10-day suspension, basically a slap on the wrist. Matthews Jr. has been a distraction for the California Angels all spring training, which will no doubt disrupt the team's chemistry. Also, this HGH scandal has taken the focus off of where it should be, on the rise of the great young stars. The Angels in the Infield (yes it was cheesy and no, I don't care, it felt good) include SS Erick Aybar, 1B Casey Kotchman, 2B Howie Kendrick, and future 3B Brandon Wood, and all four are going to be very good, very quickly. Too bad we had to talk about PEDs instead of great young players.
Apparently MLB also loves cancer, the deadly family of diseases. Most people have probably already seen this, but if you haven't, it's among the more ridiculous things baseball has ever been concerned about. Craig Biggio, future Hall of Famer and First-Team All-Good Guys, wears a pin on his hat during spring training. This pin is for the Sunshine Kids Foundation, a charity for young children with cancer. Biggio's been wearing this pin for most of his 20 years in the major leagues. Apparently, though, this will desecrate the sacred tradition that is spring training. FYI, he never wears the pin during the regular season, just in preseason when most of the pictures are taken for baseball cards. That'll teach you, Biggio, you selfless bastard. No more helping others, or else MLB will make you pay. You need to focus more on getting jacked up on steroids and HGH and acting like the last guy who got into the 3,000-hit club . And grow a damn mustache, would you? Maybe then MLB will let you do what you want.
