Loser region (The Real Who's Now)

ESPN

The Real Who's Now

Loser region #1 A-Rod vs. #8 the Devil

In this matchup between good vs. evil, (A-Rod being the evil) we plot a back-stabbing, money grubbing, dark prince against the Devil. A-Rod, who was already revered as a super-star in Seattle, really burst onto the seen when he signed a 10-year, $252 million contract with the Texas Rangers in 2001. Th [2] e richest contract in professional sports.

Sure, the devil may have cost us paradise, but Alex Rodriguez has forced us to live in a world filled with A-Rod's, TO's, D-Wade's, and T-Mac's. Did the devil cheat on his wife in a strip club? A-Rod did. Did the devil get his ass kicked by Jason Varitek? A-Rod did. Does the devil choke in the playoffs? A-Rod does (.098 BA and zero RBIs in his last 12-postseason games). Has the devil displayed signs of cheating on separated occasions? A-Rod has (one being slapping the ball out of Red Sox pitcher Bronson Arroyo's hand in the 2004 American League championship series. And the other occurred in Toronto when A-Rod allegedly yelled something at Blue Jay's third baseman Howie Clark, distracting him from making a catch in the infield). [3] While, in the midst of everything, the Devil, whose last name is White, is just a struggling actor trying to put food on the table for his wife, Karen, and his three children (Sarah, 13, Emma, 3 and Jamal, 36). Mr. White had roles in the South Park movie, Little Nicky, the Tenacious D: Pick of Destiny, Buffy the Vam pire Slayer, and the WB's Charmed in an effort to provide his family with normal lives. When asked what the hardest part of show-biz was, the Mr. White answered, "Typecasting."

The uber-competitive A-Rod, unable to find a World Series ring, ended up paying off the Devil in attempt to win something of value.

Winner: A-Rod

'________________________ _______________ #2 Kobe vs. #7 the Fonz ' [4] In one of the most anticipated first round matchups, Kobe Bryant attempts to square off against the Fonz, or Arthur Fonzarelli. On paper, these two phenoms of their time look to be pretty even. Kobe Bryant has been tagged by many, the world's best basketball player, he's a three-time NBA champion, two time scoring champion, and nine time all-star, b [5] ut at the same time he's a baby, he had an album suck so bad it wasn't released, he dismantled an NBA dynasty, and most importantly his middle name is Bean. Not to mention, I don't believe the Fonz was ever charged with rape.

The Fonz, who is most well-known for his time on Happy Days, is known world-wide for his catch phrase, "Aaaayyyy!" While both men have been portrayed as womanizers, Fonzie had a softer side. A side that didn't lead to a defense attorney saying, "Your honor, may I submit these seamen soaked panties." While Kobe acts like a bad-ass on /in the court, the Fonz has actually walked the walk, being involved in gangs prior to his friendship with Richie Cunningham. The main difference between the two is Kobe's inability to succeed on his own. If Fozie lost Richie, he'd be fine. When Kobe lost Shaq, all hell broke loose.

Never one to back down from a challenge, Fonzie was recently arrested in a no holds bar, chicken tournament. Although the Fonz looked like a lock for the upset, pending litigations prevented him from competing.

Winner: Kobe Bean Bryant

_______________ ___________________ ______ #3 the Molina brothers vs. #6 Gamecube

''''' [6] The Molina brothers, Benji, Yadier and Jose, have the difficult challenge of competing against the 4th generation Nintendo gaming system, Gamecube, in the first round. They each have their own distinct strengths. Even though Benji is the starting catcher for the San Fransisco Giants and Yadier just won a World Series ring as the starting catcher for the Cardinals, Jose, while just a backup catcher for Anaheim, recently won the obstacle course at the Molina family reunion. So, he's got that going for him. Since none of the Molina brothers made t [7] he all-star game, they have agreed to host a reality show much like Shaq's, called "Overweight Catchers". Unfortunately, many critics thought the title drew comparisons to gay porn starring fat people, and NBC immediately dropped the show.

As of March 2007, the Gamecube has sold 21.59 million units which is remarkable considering it was released with flagship games such as Luigi's Mansion, Disney's Tarzan Un-tamed, Wave Race Blue Storm, and Super Monkey Ball. The Gamecube was dominated by the X-box, Playstation 2, and surprisingly, Connect 4's 3D edition.

The main factor in this matchup is speed and while the Gamecube runs on old Nintendo technology, you'll have a better chance at seeing Roger Clemens walk by a $5 bill without bending over than the Molina brothers beating out a throw to first. However, the Gamecube stole my new refrigerator.

Winner: the Molina brothers _________________________________________ #4 Jeter vs. #5 the iphone

''''' [8] In the matchup of fan favorites, Derek Jeter takes his chance with the next revolution of cellular phones, the iphone. Being the shortstop of the Yankees is equivalent to being the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys, or the first girl to grow boobs in junior high. Everyone thinks they're cool. And being a four time World Series champion and the captain of the Yankees, Jeter's definitely earned his spot as a Real Who's Now participant. And even though many hot celebrities have purchased the iphone, Jeter's the one fucking them. Rumors have it Jeter has dated Mariah Carey, former Miss Universe Lara Dutta, Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Gabrielle Union, and was most recently linked with Jessica Beil. Not a bad lineup. '''''

The iphone is the Mac's revolutionary phone that combines full internet, an ipod, [9] pictures, local Wi-Fi connectivity, up to 8 GB of space, and visual voicemail, while Jeter is just one shortstop. It captivated an entire country when it was released June 29. Apple stores everywhere were flooded with virgins who couldn't wait to get their greasy little hands on this years IT product. The sleek, touch screen style of the iphone got its daughter accepted into Yale.

thePen always shows its respects for the devotion to higher learning. Plus, A-Rod payed us off to make Jeter lose.

Winner: iphone

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