Lionsesque - Week 14
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Two weeks ago, I thought the Detroit Lions were back to form, but I jumped the gun. Now that they’ve been blown out in back to back games they’ve earned the extra vowels. Say it with me: they’re baaaaaack!
The Lions have returned to their roots with four straight losses, and not just any losses, pathetic, limp, and lifeless losses in the old style. The best part is that it can only get worse. The forbidden p-word will remain forbidden because even though they’re almost tied for the wild card right now the odds of them winning more than one of their remaining games are so thin as to be transparent.
That loss to the Arizona Cardinals really set the tone, and instead of bouncing back as they had earlier in the year they collapsed, never seriously threatening a New York Giants team that isn’t all that good and then getting slaughtered two weeks in a row without so much as pretending to put up a fight. Now that is Lions football. Coming up?...the best team in the NFC followed by a trip to San Diego. Oh, and the best receiver in a pass happy offense is out for what’s left of the season. Can you say 6-8? I sure can.
When they were at 6-2 I had the tiniest spark of hope in me. I figured they only needed three more wins in eight games and they had winnable ones at Arizona and Minnesota, and while the Giants and the Packers are good both of those games were at home so a 1-1 split seemed feasible. How foolish of me.
Being a logtime fan of the Detroit Lions has helped me understand those abused, long suffering wives and girlfriends you see on COPS. No matter how many times they screw up, no matter how spectacularly bad they get, if they start playing just a little bit better I always take them back. Sure, they drink too much and get a little rough sometimes, sure they’re mean to my kids and sure they can’t hold a steady job…but they love me.
That really should be the image of the Lions, a fat dude wearing a faded Honolulu Blue wife beater with mustard stains taking an ass whomping from four sheriff’s deputies while the girlfriend pleads for them to stop and just arrest him already. Sure, they’ll be back at the trailer door in a few days, probably holding some cheap flowers and a box of candy that still has the price tag on it, talking about how it’s going to be different from now on, but deep down you know that they’re a bunch of fuck ups and any decent behavior is going to be short lived at best.
I tried rooting for them, I tried being hopeful, hell I even wrote this, “I’ve had to reevaluate the way I think about them. They’ve been so bad for so long that I’d forgotten how enjoyable it is to watch them win.” Well, no more. I watch NFL football to be entertained and in that department the Lions rarely disappoint - so long as you’re rooting for the biggest possible train wreck. I want them to get stomped by Dallas. I want to see Norv Turner at a press conference in two weeks saying things like, “We know that if we play like that nobody can beat us.” I want them to end the season on an eight game losing streak. I want it all. There’s no fun in being a middling team, so if you can’t end the season decently, or even sniff 8-8, I say go down in the most memorable way possible. Besides, a few more seasons like this and Matt Millen might just get fired.
“Go” Lions!
