Let's Go to the Movies!
| 18
|
by MUDaveFan
Hey there kiddos! Since you all have been so supportive to us here at Rev's World, we decided to take you all on a field trip to the movie theatre! So all 7 of you loyal readers pack your shit and get ready to go have some fun. Quick! To the Bang Bus!
Readers: What movie are we going to watch Rev?
Rev: Movies readers...movies! And not just any set of movies, the top 15 awesomely bad sports movies.
Readers: But you told us to bring a tooth brush, a ski mask, and a bathing suit.
Rev: I like The Office so shut the fuck up!
Readers: Do you actually own these movies?
Rev: Yes, do you honestly think I have money to take you all to 15 movies?
Readers: Is this your parents' basement?
Rev: Yes, but they aren't allowed down here.
Readers: Is that a blow up doll?
Rev: His name is Kevin and he plays chess with me when I get bored. Don't act like you're not impressed.
15.) Necessary Roughness
This movie made us want to enroll at Texas State University. Not because their nickname was the Fightin' Armadillos, but because they had hot sexy coeds like Kathy Ireland. The premise to this movie is simple. A big time football program gets busted and has to field a team of losers. Hmm...sounds a lot like SMU. Hilarity ensues when the team sucks balls. But luckily for the school and moviegoers everywhere, Scott Bakula takes a quantum leap (get it?) into our hearts and leads the team to victory. Highlight: A surprisingly funny, young Rob Schneider. Throw in funny Sinbad and you have two current comedians who suck, but yet they were funny in this movie. What happened to them? Bonus: Did we mention Kathy Ireland in a towel/in the shower? They should have made this movie NC-17 and had Kathy gang banged in the shower. Is that too much to ask?
14.) All the Right Moves
Think back if you will to when Tom Cruise was normal, Lea Thompson was hot, and Craig T. Nelson played a football coach. Check that...are we sure Craig T. Nelson isn't a real life coach? Anyway, this movie is set in the steeltown of Ampipe, Pennsylvania. Stefen Djordjevic (Cruise) has such a roller coaster senior football season that it makes our head hurt just thinking about it. Long story short, Stef is a bad ass football player, gets kicked off the team, becomes the town pariah, and then gets a scholarship to play for Craig T. Nelson. Highlight: Tom Cruise crying in the locker room. I wonder how they made him cry. "Tom, if you don't cry for us right now, you won't be able to grow up to become a fucking lunatic and deflower the beautiful Katie Holmes and no one will like you." Fantastic dramedy! Bonuses: Chris Penn before he got fat/died and Lea Thompson in granny panties. Why do band geeks always get naked? And why couldn't Chris Penn dance like he did in Footloose?
13.) The Air Up There
Punch yourself in the face if you didn't think Kevin Bacon would be mentioned in this list. And now that we're on the subject, shouldn't it be called "The 6 degrees of Samuel L. Jackson?" He's been in more movies, right? But we digress. Kevin Bacon is a struggling basketball coach that wants to make it big but can't seem to get the players. So what does he do? He goes to Africa to find a basketball player. Yes, because all black people can play basketball. I mean, the poster even says, "Jimmy Dolan is brining home a little something from Africa." What...AIDS? Malaria? Slaves? Dear Lord this movie is negative-PC. Highlights: Kevin Bacon climbing a mountain to show he is worthy and then throwing his NCAA Championship ring off the cliff. Yeah, that makes sense. Also, all of the players there look to be really good. They might even have better players than the Knicks, Grizzlies, and Non-Kobe Lakers! Bonus: Our friend Eric states that he saw this movie in the theatre and it was sold out. Chalk that up to one of life's greatest mysteries!
12.) Blue Chips
Quick...think of comic gold. If Shaq, Nick Nolte, and Ed O'Neill (appearing later) don't come up right away, well then you dont' have a funny bone in your body. The basketball scenes in this movie were actually kind of cool, but we can't get over the fact that Nick Nolte's character is the ONLY person to have ever heard of Neon Boudeaux (Shaq). It's absurd. Matt Nover plays the perfect hick and Anfernee Hardaway plays the perfect hotshot bastard. Throw in a shady booster (the dad from Home Alone and you have yourself a good movie. Listening to Nover say, "I want a new tractor for my daddy and $15,000 in a nice gym bag" makes us think that this is what Maurice Clarrett asked from Ohio State. Well, substitute tractor for pimped out Bentley. Highlights: Shaq stating the SAT was "culturally biased" and also didn't get his name right, therefore getting a 520 on said test. Bonus: Calbert Cheney, George Lynch, Bobby Knight, etc. To see Bobby Knight play himself is outstanding. There is a scene at the beginning of the movie where Nick Nolte's character punts a basketball into the stands during the game. We can't help but laugh thinking of the director yelling "CUT" and Bobby Knight showing Nolte the proper way to get good arc on the ball.
11.) The Big Green
"Who holds back the electric car? Who makes Steve Guttenberg, a star?" This movie does! Screw Three Men and a Baby this is Steve's truly great movie. This movie also includes the chick that plays Kevin Arnold's sister and the catcher from The Sandlot. Sure this movie is about soccer...in Texas, but that doesn't mean that it's as boring as the sport. Of course, the movie has a token Mexican that is good at soccer. Again, these movies are very non-PC. The team gets destroyed by their rivals 17-0 in the first game but somehow manage to win in the Championship. That's what Mexicans will do for you. That and work for $2.00/hr. Highlight: Steve Guttenberg allowing the children to drive his police car. We've always wanted to do that...ala Superbad. Bonus: Steve Guttenberg making out with Kevin Arnold's sister at the end of the movie. Honestly, can you thinking of anything more absurd?
10.) Summer Catch
We know what you're thinking, anything with Jessica Biel can't possibly be awesomely bad. Well have you seen 7th Heaven? Either have we. Throw in Freddie Prinze Jr, Matthew Lillard, and Dr. Cox from Scrubs and you have yourself a feel good summer movie. There are several other people in the movie including a slutty Brittany Murphy, Wilmer Valderama, and Ellen Griswald. We've heard stories about the Cape Cod League and how it's basically a bunch of ballplayers playing games during the day and getting shitfaced at night. The good people at the movie studios must have heard this too because that is what this movie is about. Freddie Prinze is a poor lawnboy who happens to be a good pitcher. He falls in love with Jessica Biel who happens to be rich. He thinks about quitting baseball and she tells him to stick with it. He does and they fall in love. The end. Highlight: Jessica Biel in a bikini and Jessica Biel in her underwear all while jumping in and out of a pool. When people ask why we own this movie, we just pop it in and put it directly to that scene. Bonus: A cameo by Ken Griffey Jr. taking Freddie Prinze Jr. deep in his first major league game. Jr. taking Jr. deep. Sounds like a porno.
9.) Angels in the Outfield
When an actor/actress is on their death bed, a priest will say to them, "Do you have any sins you want to confess?" The actor/actress will then take that time to apologize to God for making that crappy movie in order for them to get their foot in the door. Unfortunately for the actresses, they probably took their top off in said movie. Luckily for moviegoers everywhere, Danny Glover, Christopher Lloyd, Adrien Brody, and Matthew McConaughey will be apologizing to God for this movie. It's always fun to watch a movie for the first time and have to do double takes. "Is that...is that Matthew McConaughey?" When we here at Rev's World get drunk, we always think of crazy ideas to make the game of baseball more fun. One of our better ideas was saying that every team would have a crazy outfield. The Tigers would have tigers roaming around in the outfield, the Astros' outfield would be zero gravity, the Marlins outfield would just be one giant water tank, etc. Little did we know that this movie had our idea back in 1994! Genius! Highlight: Tony Danza being a pitcher who is going to die. Nothing like a kids movie explaining that Uncle Tony is going to die soon because he smoked cigarettes. Pretty sneaky MATSKWWDM (mothers against tobacco smoking kids who watch Disney movies)! Bonus: Danny Glover being a single dad at the end of the movie. We keep wanting Danny to go crazy like he did in Saw. That and it's totally absurd that just because Danny Glover's character is a celebrity, he gets bumped to the head of the list to adopt a kid. Wait, what's that? Oh...we forgot Madonna. And Angelina Jolie. Celebs rule!
8.) Little Big League
Once again, a baseball movie takes a team that sucks balls (who happens to suck balls in real life) and turns them into winners. This movie made us hate our grandparents for not being filthy rich billionaires and owning a professional sports team. If our grandpa died and made us sole owners of a professional sports team, we would mourn his death for about 1.5 seconds. Unfortunately for moviegoers, this movie centers around the Minnesota Twins. Couldn't they have at least put Kirby Puckett in this movie or was he too busy beating his wife? Yikes...too soon? Ok, imagine if you were 12 years old and owned a baseball team. Now imagine if you were 12 years old and MANAGED a baseball team? We would immediately make everyday Saturday "Free Skyline Chili Coney Day" and would sign Randy Johnson, John Kruk, and Barry Melrose under the agreement that they have their mullets. Barry would be an amazing baseball player with that head of hair. So like we said before, this movie basically is like the rest of them. The team sucks balls, Billy (owner/manager/kid) gives them a pep talk, and they begin to win. Highlight: Billy and the entire team trying to figure out one of his math homework problems. None of the player can figure it out. Just goes to show that you don't need math to succeed in life. Bonus: Billy telling the team's 1st baseman (Cal in Studio 60) that if he hits a home run to send the team into the playoffs, he can marry his mother. The ball is hit deep into centerfield, it's going back, way back, it's...it's...CAUGHT! Ken Griffey Jr., you sure are a dirty bastard in these awesomely bad sports movies!
7.) Mighty Ducks 3
So let's get this straight. In the first installment of this franchise, a team of rinky-dinks go from retards to Minnesota Pee-Wee champions in the matter of weeks. In the second installment, this team is selected to represent the United States in the Junior Goodwill Games without having to tryout. In the third and last installment, this gold medal winning team cannot even make the high school varsity team??? This is might be the worst storyline in the history of movies. Yet if it is on TV (thank you ABC Family) we are so going to watch it. It's always weird seeing actors play high schoolers when in real life they are adults. Charlie Conway is notorious for this (see Dawson's Creek). It's also weird to see Charlie Conway become a little bitch, quit the team and drop out of school, only to come around and be the hero...and like girls. We always thought he was gay. So the team can't make varsity and is threatening to quit. Whatever are we to do? Will the Ducks ever be saved? First, have old man Hans die. Second, bring back Emilio. Third, bring back the other half of "the Bash Brothers." Final product: Junior Varsity/Team USA/Ducks: 1 Varsity: 0. Tear. Highlight: Charlie Conway giving an Oscar worthy speech when he says to the varsity, "Last time you had an advantage, Banksy" to which the varsity replies, "Take him. He wasn't a Warrior anyway." GOLD! Bonus: A brief cameo by the now, not so much then, hotty Samantha Harris of Dancing with the Stars fame and a sidesplitting "cameo" by Paul Kariya talking about the Ducks' chances of winning.
6.) Rookie of the Year
Let's just get this out of the way right now. We hate the Cubs. We hate them more than anything. Yet we like this movie. How could you not like a movie that features Gary Busey? True story...after seeing this movie, we tried to break our arm on purpose thinking it would lead us on the fast track to the major leagues. Well, several lawsuits later, we are still waiting to get the call up. We even had a dork as a friend and a token fat ass that followed us around. The movie gets some things right. The Cubs let a 12 year old pitch for them. Something tells us that the Cubs in real life would let a 3 year old pitch for them if it made them some mad money. Also, Henry Rowengartner, the hero of the movie, has a mad crush on one of his classmates. She cock teases him throughout his youth until he makes it big and starts making bank. Hollywood once again shows what women truly are after. Now, we're not calling Becky a gold digger...but she ain't messing with no broke Henry's. The thing that makes us laugh everytime is the end of the movie. The Cubs actually win the World Series. Quick, what does mama bear on birth control and the World Series have in common? No Cubs. Highlight: Daniel Stern's breathtaking performance of the Cubs' pitching coach. It's as if the director said to Daniel, "Remember when you played the bad guy in Home Alone? Same character, just a little dumber." Turns out Daniel Stern was the film's director and that makes us laugh a little more inside. Bonus: Gary Busey pleading for "ONE MORE" pitch and then diving to make the final out of the inning. Was Busey stoned during this scene? Was Busey drunk during this scene? Some mysteries in life will never be answered.
5.) Ladybugs
Rodney Dangerfield (RIP) always stated, "I get no respect." Hey Rod, did you ever think the reason you didn't get any respect was because you made this awesomely bad movie? How do you make a soccer movie good? You put lots of hot teenage girls in short soccer shorts. You also take an ugly teenage girl (Jonathan Brandis) and dress her up like a boy. Wait, correction. Jonathan Brandis was a boy dressed as a girl. What's he up to nowadays anyway? Yikes...way too soon! So Dangerfield's character wants to get a promotion at his work so bad that he dresses up his soon-to-be step-son in drag to play for a local girl's soccer team. After speaking with several lawyers, we have come to the conclusion that this would lead to at least a minimum of 10 years in federal pound-your-ass prison for Dangerfield. With the help of the mom from Sister, Sister, Rodney's team defies all odds and wins the championship without their star drag queen. Highlight: Teenage girls at a pool party where they all want to go skinny dipping. Brandis probably could have stripped naked and we all would have assumed he was a girl anyway. Bonus: We had such a massive crush on the actress that plays Kimberly in the movie. She was so hot. True story, go rent 40 Days and 40 Nights and see a grown up Kimberly. Yep, still hot.
4.) Sidekicks
We were seriously contemplating whether to put this movie here or at #1 because we, like everyone on Earth, fear Chuck Norris. Did you know Chuck Norris is currenly suing NBC because 30 years ago he trademarked his left and right legs as "Law" and "Order?" The hero in this movie is once again Jonathan Brandis. He is an uber-nerd who likes to daydream that he is a ninja warrior and fights battles with Chuck Norris. We like to daydream we are ninja pirates who do battle with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but we digress. Poor Barry (Brandis) is teased by his classmates which cause him to have several panic/asthma attacks like a little baby. Once we are introduced to Barry's dad (Beau Bridges, the Dude's douchebag brother), we understand why Barry is such a pussy. The movie takes a page or 50 from The Karate Kid and hooks Barry up with a token Chinese/Japanese/Korean karate guru and Barry becomes a karate/ninja master. The end of the movie features Chuck Norris coming to save the day to fight with Barry and his dojo to defeat the evil, mean classmates. Did you know that everytime you masturbate, Chuck Norris kills a kitten? Don't fuck with Chuck. Highlight: When Barry turns in his lineup card with everyone participating from his dojo, the committee member looks at Barry and says very gayly, "Chuck, Norris?" Then Chuck comes out of nowhere and says, "You have a problem with that?" The guy replies gayly, "Nooooo." Chuck then roundhouse kicked him to the face. Well, maybe not. Bonus: Winnie Cooper being Barry's crush. Has there ever been a more wet blanket in film/television history? Remember when Kevin Arnold and her made out in the last episode? In this movie she barely gives Barry a kiss at the end. What a bitch.
3.) RAD
There's a fire in Bill Allen's heart and his moves are like lightning! What a fantasticly awesomely bad movie we have here. I think the reason we liked this movie was because we never had BMX bikes. We always had lame Schwins. Remember that lone kid in your neighborhood that had a bike where you could move your pedals backward without that making you stop? This movie made us plead with our parents to get us a BMX bike. Little did we know that BMX bikes are not good for long bike rides or keeping up with 10-speeds. We hate our parents sometimes. Cru Jones (Bill Allen) is a local paperboy that has one dream, to be the best BMX biker of all time. Cru's mom (Mrs. Rocky Balboa) tells him that he needs to focus on his studies and take the SAT. The only problem is that the world BMX Championships are coming to Cru's hometown. We have quite the conundrum on our hands, right? Newsflash Mrs. Jones-Balboa, you can take the SAT more than one time. Hell-Track only happens once in a lifetime! Cru teams up with his friends and gets a little help along the way from Aunt Becky from Full House and dominates the evil Bart Taylor at Hell-Track. By the way, how cool would it be to actually ride on Hell-Track? We would love to try to do a backwards moonwalk flip. Highlight: Cru and Aunt Becky "dancing" to "Send Me an Angel" at the high school dance. Did we mention that they "dance" on their BMX bikes? Go to YouTube and type in RAD, dance and witness the magic. Bonus: Seriously, this movie was made in 1986. Aunt Becky recently had a TV show on the WB. She looks the exact same now as she did 21 years ago...HOT. We would do very mean things to Aunt Becky. Have mercy!
2.) Airborne
If you read this blog at all, you know we are huge homers. Anything involving Cincinnati gets our vote. This movie is near and dear to our hearts because it takes place in the lovely Queen City. Mitchell Goosen's family are big hippy scientists and have been awarded a grant to study in Austrailia. Unfortunately for Mitchell, he must move from beautiful, sunny San Diego to dreary, cold Cincinnati. As you can imagine, the natives do not take kindly to Mitchell. He is teased, challenged to fight, and becomes a mockery when he loses the hockey game for the school. It also doesn't help that he has a pasty white red-head cousin (Seth Green). Mitchell ends up falling in love with a girl who happens to be sisters with Mitchell's arch-nemesis, Jack. Mitchell tries to win over his classmates to no prevail. Just when Mitchell thinks things couldn't get any worse, he gets a package from his parents...his rollerblades. When Mitchell puts those bad boys on, he becomes a super hero. At the end of the movie, Mitchell's classmates ask him to participate in a race down "Devil's Backbone." They are tired of being pushed around by the preps. Long story short, Mitchell and his classmates win the race, Mitchell is liked by Jack, and Mitchell gets the girl. Highlights: There are so many. It's always fun watching movies that were filmed in places you've been. Mitchell jumping off of Riverfront Stadium's parking concourse is a great highlight. Seth Green doing an impromptu fashion show for Mitchell is hilarious. Mitchell skating around the Krohn Conservatory is high comedy because of the song being played. So much to choose from. Unfortunately, there is no Skyline Chili sighting. Bonus: Jack Black in one of his first roles. Jack Black, like Aunt Becky, has not aged one bit. We are beginning to think that Jack only plays one role, the happy-go-lucky fat guy/class clown. The scenes with Mrs. Poole are quite entertaining also. Would anyone like some grape Kool-Aid?
1.) Little Giants
Ladies and Gentlemen, your #1 awesomely bad movie! This movie has everything from being shot in Urbania, Ohio (did they mean Urbana, Ohio?) to having a dreamy Devon Sawa be the dreamy quarterback. Now, we know what you're thinking. This movie is fantastic, it's not bad at all. That might be true, but when you sit down and think about it, it is pretty damn bad. Ed O'Neill shows up again in a movie as a 2-time Heisman trophy winner who happens to be the head football coach of the local Pee-Wee team. Ed's brother (Rick Moranis) is a nerd who owns the town's gas station. When Rick's daughter, the Icebox, doesn't make the team because she is a girl, Rick decides to form a team of his own. It's brother vs. brother at it's best. The end game to see who can represent the town (the Giants or the Cowboys) is hilarity at it's finest. There's a wide receiver who uses stickem to catch a pass, there's a token fat kid that farts to scare away defenders, there's a bad ass running back that runs 50 yars while dragging 5 other players, etc. The Cowboys seem destined to win when they are up 21-0, but with the help from the Icebox and some trick plays, the Giants come back to win 27-21. The two teams join forces and the O'Shea brothers finally get along and co-coach the team. Highlights: We wanted to go with the "pitch to Johnny? You can't pitch to Johnny. I'm Johnny" part. We also were going to go with the "Annexation of Puerto Rico" play. True story, we actually made this play in NCAA Football 2007. But we are going to go with the dialogue between Ed O'Neill and the Icebox. Icebox: "Uncle Kevin, do you think I'm pretty?" Uncle Kevin: "No, (pause for about 5 seconds...you fucking bastard! I hate you Ed O'Neill) I think you're beautiful." WOW! Tearjerking at its finest. I love you Al Bundy. Bonus: A cameo by John Madden, Bruce Smith, Emmitt Smith, and some white guy. They teach the Little Giants about intimidation and how to win with heart, not size. Plus, the Madden Cruiser getting lost in a small Ohio town makes us want to move to Hickville, USA and wait for him to join us in our backyard games.
Rev: So there you have it guys. The top 15 awesomely bad sports movies. What did you think? Guys? Guys?
originally posted at http://ifrevonlyhadabrain.blogspot.com/
