LaBeouf of the Week 6
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This was an extremely difficult week to choose the Shia LeBeouf award winner. Even though the Pats induce more steamers than White Castles and prune smoothies, Tony Romo actually had a very respectable game (18 for 29, 199, 2 TD, 1 Int) making me .5 for 2 on my Shia LeBeouf calls (Frank Gore merely squirted in his Depends last week, hence my .5). I will really have to try harder, lest the Shimmering T will ' start calling me out.
This week, there were even coaches in the running for the LeBeouf. Mike Holmgren, of the Herm Edwards School of Clock Management, you are down by 11 with 1:16 left on the New Orleans 14…Take the field goal! It appears that you missed basic arithmetic. 11 minus 3 equals 8. In football terms, that is a field goal plus a touchdown plus a 2 point conversion. Were you trying to lose this game?
Next, but certainly not least, step right up Eric Mangini. I really wish I could give this award to coaches, and particular the Mangina, as a lot of my friends are rabid Jets’ fans who have had to endure a season of Chad “Lady” Pennington’s 4 th quarter interceptions and woeful playing called from the misnamed “Man-Genius.” Fast forward to the 4 th quarter, where the Jets, who have done noting but Shia LeBeouf every Sunday since getting force fed chilidogs by the Pats in week 1, were miraculously down only a touchdown. This due in large part to David Akers’ dismal kicking (funny thing about this is that Philly fans still find a way to blame McNabb). The Jets drove down to the Philadelphia 4, and they were looking at 3 rd and 1. What would you do? Your running back has 130 yards and has been CRUSHING the Philadelphia D all day. Do you use him to get the first down? The Yammy would, and so would 80,000 screaming Jets’ fans. But no, the Man-Genius calls a QB sneak with perhaps the most unathletic QB this side of Kerry “Tequila Shia” Collins. Inexplicitly, Mangini followed that play call with an all or nothing fade to the back of the endzone. If you missed this Shia-fest, I will save you the trouble of watching the NFL Network re-run…clearly neither play works and the Jets fall to 1-5. J-E-T-S, shia’d shia’d shia’d.
Even as bad as the Jets and Chad Pennington (11 for 21, 0 TD, 1 Int 3 sacks) were last week, I need to give my first defensive Shia LaBeouf award to the much vaunted Chicago Bears ’ D. The point of this column is to give the Shia LaBeouf award to the fantasy stud that isht’s the bed, and the Bears’ D was certainly a preseason stud. Even though they scored a touchdown (Devin Hester is very good), they gave up 3 HUGE Adrian Peterson TDs and got lit up for 34 points by a team with Tavaris Jackson at the helm. Jackson even loaded up on day old sushi and fiber pills to try and win the Shia LaBeouf this week. (9 for 23, 136 yards and a touchdown). He clearly was not effective, so let me ask you Bears’ Defense, why would you not stack the line? Is Tavaris Jackson going to beat you, or is it going to be Adrian Petersen? I assume you thought it was YOUR Adrian Peterson who was in the backfield and you chose not to worry about giving up touchdown scampers of 67, 73, and 35 yards. Instead of stacking the line to stop the run, Urlacher and Co. were munching on laxatives and letting Peterson run as free as the squirts they left behind. Well, that performance gets you the Shia LaBeouf award. I wonder how they are going to pin this loss on Sexy Rexy. My guess, Sexy Rexy probably gave the D his personal laxative supply.
On to Week 7, where I would LOVE to boldly state that Peyton Manning will Shia LeBeouf against the vaunted Jacksonville D, but I don’t have the stones to make that call. Instead, Kyle Boller and the entire Ravens’ team have made reservations Saturday night at the All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet, which will inevitably lead into a Sunday Shia LeBeouf. Buffalo is a few unlucky breaks away from a 3-2 record and 2 nd place in the AFC East. Baltimore’s offense looks atrocious-- 5 field goals and 1 TD against a Rams’ Defense that must have been on the field for 59 out of 60 minutes last week. The Rams look very defeated, and they are in contention with the Dolphins for the #1 pick next year. This week, Baltimore will see a young and hungry Buffalo team, led by the new upstate savior, Trent Edwards. Look for an upset special that causes a team wide Shia LeBeouf for the Ravens. Let’s hope Brian Billick can find another flight home on Sunday...I would hate to see what kind of mess those D linemen can make.
-- The Yammy (ed. Golden Boy) at www.fleafanatics.com
