Kobe Who? region (The Real Who's Now)

Up Yours, ESPN

____________________________ The Real Who's Now first round Caveman region Steroids region Loser region ____________________________ Welcome to, The Real Who's Now

Kobe Who? region __________________________________________ #1 Shaq vs. #8 Jason Alexander

In the Kobe Who? region, the No. 1 seeded Shaquille O'Neal takes his chances against the No. 8 seeded Jason Alexander in a matchup that brings thick sentimental value to people everywhere considering their contributions to the entertainment industry during the [1] 90s. While one stands 7'1 and the other 5'5, both are well known for their personable charm with the media and fans, and are respected throughout their respective lines of work.

Besides being a four-time NBA champion, a two-time scoring champion and 14-time all-star Shaq's used the big screen to revive American cinema with originality and sheer confidence. His acting/producing in Kazaam and Steel was somehow left out in every Oscar nomination, yet magically spring boarded Shaq into mainstream film. He co-starred along side Nick Nolte in Blue Chips as Neon Bodo. Unfortunately, Shaq and Nolte have not spoke to one another since the final cut because of an awkward night of champagne, laughs, and anal sex. What? [2] Most Americans remember Jason Alexander for his role as George Constanza on Seinfeld, not the heroine addict we know him as here at thePigPen. Just kidding. He's only a mild meth-head. Anywho, since Seinfeld, Alexander's success has dwindled more than Ashley Simpson's nose, scoring roles in Dustin Checks In, The Man Who Saved Christmas, Shallow Hal, and the Coneheads. Alright, the Coneheads is funny, but the others.....Let's just say Rob Schneider would of turned down leading roles in Dunston Checks In and Shallow Hal. Alexander's been nominated for four Golden Globes, but still has never ridden a roller-coaster.

After a round of golf between the two, Shaq broke down Alexander with his charm and cunning good looks. Not to mention, Alexander hadn't been that stoned since he stumbled into an ugly brownie incident fifteen years ago. Three hours later, Jason had no recollection of golfing.

Winner: Shaq

__________________________ #2 Roger Federer vs. #7 Alf [3] The two/seven matchup is brought to you courtesy of the new, Miller Chill, For beer drinkers who wish their beer tasted a little more like piss, and little less like beer......Slam a Chill!

Thanks Miller Lite, now back to the Real Who's Now. Roger Federer, who's fresh off his 5th straight Wimbeldon title, jet-setted across the Atlantic to take on Alf, the fun loving alien from the Lower East side of Melmac. On paper, it looks as though Federer has Alf tagged, considering he's won 11 Grand Slam titles and has been labeled the best player in the world for three years running. While dominant on grass, Federer hasn't had near the success on turf compared to Alf, who's been linked with Jessica Alba, Pamela Anderson, Jessica Simpson, Carl Lewis, the "Friends"-trio and half the cast of "Days of Our Lives." [4] Alf, the television show, was broadcasted all the way from Argentina to Yugoslavia. Federer is not even appreciated in his own country of Sweden. Which isn't that big of deal considering Federer isn't a chocolate bar. Alf, on the other hand, is loved by people across the globe/universe. Alf's "Ski Melmac" t-shirt sales rose by 75 percent this year in the southern regions of Slovakia where it was aired on TV Markiza from 1996-2002.

All facts aside, people are always going to question a champion. Not here though, we're just going to question his looks. And thanks to recent news, we'll question he's ability to dress himself.

Winner: Alf

________________________________ #3 Kansas City Royals vs. #6 80's pornography [5] One of the most highly touted matchups here at thePigPen, clashes the always struggling Kansas City Royals against the all-mighty bush that is 80's pornography. Both participants definitely have their weaknesses considering the Royals have been the laughing stock of baseball for almost a decade now and 80's porn is flat out comical.

It's hard to separate the two when discussing the excitement each one provides to their respective fan bases. Royals' fans haven't felt excitement since their World Series championship in 1985. And 80's pornography has [6] n't excited anyone since the invention of Brazilian waxing. A funny note: To watch either a Royals game or an 80's porn classic an excessive amount of alcohol is needed. The only difference is you don't tell your friends you went to a Royals game.

It's real hard to pick a match that pits the depression of three-straight 100-loss seasons against sex, drugs, awkwardness, bad mustaches, and female jungles. It sincerely pains thePigPen to beat up on the Royals, but Ron Jeremy hates Kansas City.

Winner: 80's pornography

_______________________________ #4 Ryan Leaf vs. #5 Your Mom catching you jackin' off

thePigPen decided to save the best for last and matched up the globally renown NFL bust in Ryan Leaf against an experience which could scar a child for the rest of his childhood. Having your mom walk in on you while you're just tugging away is arguably the pinnacle of awkward situations. The quick "hunch up, cover up" with your hands and pillows. The awkward silence. And don't forget the uncomfortable half-assed goodbye kiss the next morning.

[7] But here's a question for you, would you rather have your mom catch you playing the skin flute or waste a No. 2 overall pick on a guy whose thrown 22 more interceptions than touchdowns. Sure, getting your daily lunchable in the morning might be a little weird, but I couldn't imagine being a Chargers fan and watching the supposed next face of the franchise polish off one of the worse performances by starting quarterback in NFL history. Leaf completed just 1-of-15 passes for just 4-yards, and tossed two picks in the third game of his rookie year. No wonder he didn't have a good relationship with his teammates. You'd be pissed also if you're starting quarterback signed a $31.25 million contract wit [8] h a guaranteed $11.25 million signing bonus, and sucked more than Quincey Carter on acid.

But could Ryan Leaf's pathetic excuse for a career really fall to a nightmare every single male in the world has dreaded? Could Ryan Leaf really be as bad as a malfunctioning bedroom door lock? Could Ryan Leaf really suck worse than you're computer freezing on russiansluts.org? Could Ryan Leaf overtake the fear of your mom finding your secret stash of Penthouse and creams?

(that should keep her out)

thePigPen can't comprehend the magnitude of this perpetual debate. With that said, it doesn't take a genius to realize that getting caught wiggling the gobbler by your mom is not nearly as painful as a mistake that haunts a franchise for five years.

Winner: Your mom catching you jackin' off _____________________________ That will do it for the first round of The Real Who's Now. The second round will begin next week. And don't forget, this time you pick the winners.

Only at http://thesportspen.com

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JuTMSY4Legend

874 days ago

Score 1

I almost pissed my pants for the ryan leaf one...and I'm still not sure which i'd pick

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InsanMajor Leaguer

874 days ago

Score 3

It must've happened to you if you laughed so hard

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JuTMSY4Legend

874 days ago

Score 1

Come on...who hasn't been caught at least once...

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InsanMajor Leaguer

874 days ago

Score 0

This reminds me of the Chris Rock stand-up when he's talking about the really good jerk off when no one is in the house vs. the half assed one when someone is in the next room. One of the best comedy skits ever.

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