Kevin McClatchy = Robert Mugabe
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by user SlickBomb
In terms of generally every measure, be it wealth, influence, happiness, almost every place on Earth has been made better by the natural wheels of the future that comes as a byproduct of progress. In fact, there are few places on planet in this world that are demonstrably worse today than they were 30 years ago. However, arch-dictator Robert Mugabe’s Zimbabwe just so happens to be one of those places. The other is the baseball city of Pittsburgh, under the stewardship of CEO Kevin McClatchy. Now, you might read the post’s title and think that comparing a relatively benign executive to a murderous and possibly insane African dictator is the height of lunacy, but hey, crazy is what I do, and if you laugh at something horrible, it helps make the nightmarish reality of it all much easier to deal with. This reality being 14 losing seasons, of course. Let us count the transgressions against humanity!
Ignoring the pleas of fans = Massive Voter Suppression
Numerous petitions for new ownership = institutional election fraud
Trading Kris Benson = Systematic persecutions of homosexuals
Using tax dollars to build PNC = race-based farm takeover program
Causing a statewide increase in Phanaics = thousands of executions
Having to pay beyond top dollar for anything resembling a decent free agent = Weekly increases in inflation that’s risen to nearly 15,000 percent above the norm
The only accurate descriptions for each of these places are quaint little corners of Hell. The ‘Burgh has ugly women, crummy weather, the Amish, and 14 years of unabated losing. Zimbabwe has AIDS, malaria, widespread starvation, and unimaginable poverty. It’s my understanding that when faced with a choice between the two, most people would pick Pittsburgh, but they might have to think about it. Now, according to several sources, change is in the air. Mugabe is promising elections within the next two to four years, and Pirates CEO Kevin McClatchy has agreed to step down after this season. But then again, haven’t Mugabe apologists been saying the “old man” will eventually step down for a while now? The way the Pirates operation has shaken out, I can see McClatchy staying on while a replacement is found, then staying on for another season, then staying on indefinitely. If it works for 3rd world dictators after all, it’ll work for the Pittsburgh Pirates.
The baseball city of Pittsburgh and Mugabe’s Zimbabwe are some of the most wretched places to have ever cursed God’s Earth. The transgressions against their people are legion, and all stem from the leadership of the executive. The sooner these two are removed from their posts, the sooner their followers can enjoy living again, and move in a more positive direction. After all, Andruw Jones is a free agent, and the status quo hasn't worked out. They're bound to be interested, right? Hey, what's another 14 years?
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SlickBomb is an avid baseball fan engaging the appetites of his curious mind. He has contributed to Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber, and regularly writes for the comedy baseball blog OnTheShow. Check out that site if you want to see this article but with pictures and video. You can write him at SlickBomb-at-gmail-dot-com. He will now stop talking in the 3rd person.
