Kevin Garnett Dies of Cocaine Overdose
From Sportspickle.com. The last time I did this, I put it up as an article and I was bitched at because it wasn't my material even though I gave credit. I wanted to share this with you because it was so funny so I'm putting it up in the locker room so people can enjoy it rather than think it's a cheap attempt to get more points by me. So enjoy...
Excitement in Boston over the acquisition of superstar forward Kevin Garnett yesterday has crashed into depression and despair over the news that Garnett overdosed on cocaine and died late last night – just hours after his trade from the Timberwolves was finalized and approved by the league.
“Why God? Why us?” Celtics executive Danny Ainge said of his first thoughts upon hearing the news. “We gave away almost our whole team to get him and then he goes and does that. For a few brief hours, people around here were calling me a genius instead of a retard like they usually do. I was enjoying that. But now it’s over. Maybe Kevin McHale will give us our players back. Please, Kevin, please! Have a heart.”
After Garnett was formally introduce to the media and Celtics fans at a press conference yesterday at 6:30 pm, he reportedly went out to dinner in downtown Boston to celebrate with friends and then continued on to a nearby club. Just hours later – at approximately 11:25 pm – a 911 call was placed and an ambulance was dispatched to the scene. But the 6-foot-11 superstar was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital.
“I can’t even believe that this has happened,” said Timberwolves executive Kevin McHale. “Of all people to do this – Kevin Garnett? I’m in total shock. To my knowledge, he has never taken drugs of any sort. He was a great player and a great person. And cocaine? Of all things? I am in shock. This is exactly like when Len Bias overdosed in 1986. Only, this time, my team is really, really helped by it. Really helped.”
McHale says he imagines he will not go through the typical stages of grieving.
“I suppose right now I am in denial,” said McHale. “But instead of then moving on into anger and all the rest, I imagine I will go denial, then uncontrolled laughing, then high-fiving, then dancing, and then drinking copious amounts of champagne. I’ll probably then go through all of them again, too. Except the denial. I’m sure I’ll fully and happily accept this tragedy very soon.”
Ainge says he will petition the league to undo the trade – in which he gave up Al Jefferson, Ryan Gomes, Gerald Green, Theo Ratliff, Sebastian Telfair and two first round draft picks for the now deceased Garnett – but McHale is sure his old teammate’s request will be denied.
“Hey, the league rules are plain about this when it comes to trades,” said McHale. “Section 328(b.1) clearly states: ‘No quitsies, no do-overs.’ It doesn’t get any clearer than that.”
