JuTMSY4's Seven Rules of Fandom
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by user JuTMSY4
Recently, (Scroll about 3/4s of the way down) I had a little debate with Phoenix Superfan regarding the requirements to be a fan of a certain team. Believe it or not, these rules have existed since ancient Rome, when Roman Citizens had their favorite gladiators and would root for them during their, typically, short lifespan. After the fall of the Roman Empire, sports pretty much ceased to exist, until some very smart people (Probably my German Ancestors) realized that life was incredibly boring and that farming, basically, was the opposite of competitive (Maybe not opposite, but farm shows aren’t my cup of tea). Still, the yeomen had their favorite farmers and they followed the sport as close as they could (miles apart). Next, the advent of those weird Britsh sports Alex Holowczak is always talking about. Finally, Americans could bear Horse Racing, Snooker and some boring sport named Soccer any longer, and so real football, baseball and basketball were born. In the post-mortem phase, some crazy Canadians got bored with all of those great American games and created their own weird game, Hockey, but America thought it was dumb, and refused to pay more than $17.50 (Canadian) for a ticket. However, through all of this, British, Canadians and Americans alike, the rules of fandom remained:
How to be a Fan – Rule #1
Location, Location, Location
If this one wasn’t abundantly clear to anyone who writes on AGM, then please, consider some form of surgery (lobotomy is best). While this rule is typically subjective, the basis is simple; you root for the team closest to you. This normally happens in conjunction with some of the following rules, but it should serve as a base, or jumping off point. In a nut shell, one should be a Pittsburgh Steelers fan if he/she lives around or near Pittsburgh. Of course, this is a bit tricky, especially in the instance of our subject case, Mr. Phoenix Superfan. In his case, the Arizona Cardinals did not exist during the birthing stage of his fandom and while Phoenix appears to be significantly closer to San Diego than Dallas, it is fair that he be allowed to, essentially, choose. Furthermore, Mr. Superfan exists in what was, no man’s land and therefore he has a multitude of pickings (Houston was also an option, but I don’t blame him). Superfan also had another reason for picking the ‘boys....
How to be a Fan Rule #2
I Come From the Motherland
Many of us, myself included, are transplants. I, for example, am a Philly fan transplant not located in Boston (hence my hatred for most Boston teams). It is essentially a juncture in my fandom, as I know may, or may not, have the option to choose my team. This is incorrect. While I may attend numerous Boston games (I do, and I enjoy attending most sporting events), and I may even root for them in certain situations, I do not consider myself a fan of any Boston team. For example, I recently went to four Boston Red Sox games last year. I rooted for Boston when they played the New York Yankees, the Anaheim Angels, and the New York Mets. However, I rooted against them when they played my Philadelphia Phillies. This is a difficult rule, tricky in application, but the basic concept is that one cannot abandon one’s heritage. You were born the fan of a certain team, don’t change it because they suck (Lord knows I haven’t).
Addendum to #2
One of my friends was questioning whether he was allowed to be a Boston fan even though he was born in Ohio. After understanding the circumstances, I learned that he was born there and moved to Boston at around age 2 and grew up and lived there ever since. Moreover, his parents were not into sports so he ended up picking the local teams. This is passable in a similar but opposite fashion as rule #3. In a nutshell, if you're a fresh fan and you move, you can latch onto those new teams in the new area.
How to be a Fan – Rule #3
This is my Family
When having this debate with one of my friend’s in my hometown, we argued over whether his New York Giants fandom was indeed acceptable and how so. We both were born and grew up about 1 hour outside of Philadelphia and I registered as a Philadelphia Eagles fan from day one. This was not only due to location but also the fact that my father had also grown up and bled green. Now, my Giants fan friend (questionable friend…he likes the freakin’ Giants!), argued that I may not have become an Eagles fan had my father not been one and I may have become a Steelers fan instead. You see, my friend’s immediate family grew up in New York and they w relocated for job-related reasons, however their Giants roots remained. As such, my friend’s father raised him to be a disgusting piece of filth we all know as Giants fans (unfortunate, I know), but the fact remains that this type of transplant effect is fair. Superfan, admits that his father was also a Cowboys fan (genetic mutation anyone?) and therefore we can fully understand how he became one. Fair is fair.
How to be a Fan – Rule # 4
You say “Alma” I say “Mater”
This pretty much only applies to College (can it apply anywhere else?), but it’s a pretty simple premise. In order to root for a College team, one must have attended this college. Before you scream “Heresy,” please bear in mind that there is another rule coming up and you should read it before you make judgment. For example, I attend Northeastern University and therefore I root for my Huskies (yeah, we’re that original, but at least Jim Calhoun used to coach our team). Not much more difficult than that. If you can get into college, than you can do this too!
How to be a Fan – Rule #5
I Didn’t Even Apply!?
Yup, there is another way to root for a college team, and it follows the basic scenarios of both Steps 1 and 2. You must either live regionally close to said college (I grew up near Penn State, you can understand how that went) or have immediate family members who attended said university. This is relatively difficult if you have, for example, your parents lived in Pennsylvania (my town) and were PSU fans, but never went to the school. Then they moved to, say Dallas, and remained PSU fans and then you were born. In my opinion, you can remain a PSU fan based on rule 3, but this is up to interpretation. So, to sum up, you must have either attended the school, lived near it, or had your parents go there/have lived close to it (I only use parents has the typical norm/example, but I hope the family in general is the clear indicator).
How to be a Fan – Rule # 6
He’s my Boy!
This rule I created relatively recently, during a discussion with one of my roommates. He grew up in Connecticut, following rule 5, and rooting for his UConn Huskies (yes, now going to NU, he’s met quite a predicament). When Emeka Okafor was drafted by the Bobcats, my roommate, a Sacramento Kings fan because he picked (and yes that broke the rules!) switched to an occasional Charlotte Bobcats fan. This is acceptable, but only in a few ways. It is understood that he loves Okafor and wants the team to win only for Okafor’s sake. His favoritism will follow Okafor and not the team. And Finally, his allegiance is to Emeka and not the Bobcats. This is, in essence, the “He’s my Boy” rule. It is tricky, but I hope it is fair.
How to be a Fan – Rule # 7
If you Must Pick, Pick Out of a Hat
For those of you who live in Idaho, or Utah or England, your parents went to some weird school and they were hippies who hated sports, this rule might just help. If you cannot fall under any of the following rules, and you honestly have to pick (Our buddy Alex is a pretty sound example), please pick out of a hat or go national. Picking out of a hat is simple (If I have to explain it, please see the first part of step 1) and picking national might seem less obvious, but it can be done. In Alex’s case, he wanted to ensure that his team not only was relatively close, but also available to watch. As such, I am willing to begrudgingly accept the New York Yankees with the understanding that if Alex wants to watch the game, he’ll need a primetime team. Otherwise, please simply pick out of a hat and then suck it up, because essentially, all other rules are the same as picking it out of a hat, only you can’t use your hands, your parent use...never mind....
The obvious other picking scenario is the option. Go back to my Connecticut buddy for a minute. He grew up in about the middle of Connecticut (halfway between the Yankees and Red Sox) but his family was all Yankees and so he turned to the dark side. Should this Yankee genetics not been around, my advice would have been to simply pick one (the hat is best), but picking the better one is always questionable.
Addendum - Rule # 8
Should any of the 7 Rules not, somehow, tell you who your team should be than Rule 8 will be in effect (this also applies if you don't qualify for any of the 7). As such, please submit your decision to the Fandom Kangaroo Court. They will take testimonies from yourself and any participating parties (probably the guy making fun of you for liking the Milwaukee Bucks) and rule accordingly. Should you require this, contact me and I will take the appropriate action (i.e., call you a moron and tell you which team to like).
And with that, my Seven Rules of Fandom are complete. Obviously, I’m willing to accept any addendums or changes, but I tend to be very picking and patronizing about this rule. I know lots of you will have plenty to say (or you will say nothing, to spite me), but please not that rules and rules and sports in other countries really don’t count (kinda like their votes in the U.N.).
