Issue Number 3: Like Lloyd Bridges, I Picked The Wrong Week To Quit Sniffing Glue
| 10
|
Wasn't "Airplane!" a classic movie? It's Friday and my autographed Brett Favre picture was supposed to come today but it's been delayed to Monday. I'm a little paranoid that maybe John Madden intercepted the package.
I am writing this article with the intial gut reaction of, "That's just farking great," so it is unfair to say if this will ring true come April 2008.
Howard Lincoln and Chuck Armstrong, the powers that be of the Seattle Mariners have decided to retain General Manager Bill Bavasi and Bench Coach turned Interim Manager John McLaren for the 2008 campaign.
With this news, we now have the foundation to develop:
The 2008 Seattle Mariners Drinking Game
It's still early to say what sort of off-season moves Bavasi and McLaren would want to make to create in their eyes the optimal baseball team, so there will always be room to add in new rules. However based on moves made in the past chances are there's no doubt any Mariners fan will be reaching for a cold one when any of the following happen.
- Bavasi signs a utility bench player from the World Series winning team because he hit a bloop single in Game 3 that set the table for a go-ahead run.
- McLaren sticks with a veteran who despite going hitless in their last 30 at-bats, "turned things around" by going 2 for 2 in a game.
- The names Kyle Loshe, Carl Pavano and Danys Baez are listed on the Mariners off-season shopping list of pitchers.
- Richie Sexson is in a Mariners uniform on Opening Day 2008.
- McLaren stunts the development of players like Adam Jones and Wladimir Balentein because Raul Ibanez thinks the word "platoon" sounds gross and Maclaren agrees.
- The Mariners don't make an effort to acquire pitcher Johan Santana.
- Horacio Ramirez gets a multi-year contract because of his winning record (6 - 3) at home.
- McLaren refuses to put J.J. Putz in the 8th inning and instead puts in "Old Reliable" Bobby Ayala.
- Bavasi offers Barry Bonds a contract.
True Opening Day 2008 is still a long ways away, but with the Mariners finishing last in a four-team division the past three years and this year's roller coaster / What The Hell Was That season, it's hard to be excited with the retaining of Bavasi and McLaren. Maybe this off-season they will change their ways of thinking and make smart and aggressive trades and signings.
Or maybe they won't and they'll last three months after McLaren pulls another Rick White.
If I win the lottery between now and then, Pyramid Brewing Company is going to get a brand new investor out of me.
Colt Brennan : If you are going to play on Saturday (which by all accounts you will) can you do so by actually trying? I mean, only two touchdowns in your last game? What's up with that, slacker.
Isiah Thomas : Stay classy, Isiah.
Warrick Dunn : I'm keeping my eye on you this Sunday. Something tells me you're looking to trump DeAngelo Hall's performance last week and cost the Falcons a win in a more dramatic fashion. My prediction: you slit the throats of the offensive line.
The Ironman Jeff Garcia
