Indians Sluggers Vows to Use Actual Bat Next Postseason
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On the heels of an ALCS that saw Cleveland blow a 3-1 lead, and over-priced designated hitter Travis Hafner whiff mercilessly throughout, the slugger promised tribe fans Monday to bring a wooden bat with him to the batter's box for the 2008 season.
"Late in the regular season I became fatigued using my normal 34 oz. bat," Hafner told reporters. "It got so bad that at the start of the Red Sox series I couldn't even lift wood. Fortunately, FOX was looking out for my best interest and was able to digitalize a holographic bat into my hands. It helped to make me look legit in the ALCS and gave the viewers the impression I actually had a bat in my hand."
The results of using a make-believe bat were not surprising. Hafner went through a stretch against Boston in which he went 0-16 with 10 strikeouts.
"Fans assumed that because I'm such a naturally big guy that I didn't use steroids," Hafner chortled. "But, I mean if you look at my 2004-2006 numbers and then you look at the numbers I put up this year, once the stricter 'roid testing began, well... I mean I just didn't want to take the risk of juicing this year. My performance paid as a result."
Hafner later added that he "humbly" apologizes for deceiving his fan base and the baseball community for not using a bat during the ALCS.
"In the offseason, my little dwarf friend Paul [Byrd] is going to help me with my strength training. It is my ultimate goal to be able to swing a real, wooden bat for the entire 2008 season and throughout the playoffs."
The "slugger" ended the press conference assuring his long-time fans they needn't fret, that of course he will continue to swing at every 0-0 and 0-1 breaking pitch in the dirt.
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