Incredibly Novel Concepts, Vol. I
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by user J Cunningham
Given my **NOVEL CONCEPT ALERT** comment in one of the umpteen thousand Terrell Owens pieces on this site, I figured the concept would make an interesting semi-regular column here on AGM. So without further ado, I bring to you the first batch of Incredibly Novel Concepts (henceforth referred to as INCs):
-INC #1: For those people complaining about all the media attention T.O. gets: turn off the television, turn off the radio, stop reading the online stories, and put down the sports section. The reason ESPN and all their cronies keep feeding us T.O. is because we keep telling them we want it.
How do we do that, you ask? Why, it's very simple, young padawan: we watch the stories on TV, we listen and call in to radio shows, we read the front-page newspaper stories and we eat up the eleventy billion blogs out there in cyberspace. Our eyeballs and eardrums tell the mainstream media we want as much T.O. as we can get, and they happily oblige.
The minute they stop reporting on him is the minute we stop listening.
INC #2: Memo to NASCAR...you're never going to be more popular than the National Football League. I don't care if you revamp the points formula or replace all the drivers with Sports Illustrated swimsuit models; no sport--certainly not stock car racing--is ever going to trump the NFL's popularity or bank account.
Be happy you're the second most-popular spectator sport in America, and that every weekend you get hunderds of thousands of people filling up the race tracks and millions more tuning in to the TV. You, and your advertisers, are raking in a boatload of cash over the drive-fast-turn-left spectacle, and I would argue you've replaced the NHL as one of this country's Big Four.
INC #3: Hey, Odell Thurman...maybe it's not a good idea to get sauced and get behind the wheel when you're already under suspension for violating the NFL's substance abuse policy. You were already sitting out four games for your act, so what made you think driving drunk would be a good idea?
You know what, it wasn't. Never mind the fact that your suspension is now for a full year (say hi to Ricky Williams for us), but how about you endangering others? Not just the teammates who were in the vehicle with you, but everyone else on the road that night. Driving drunk has got to be one of the dumbest and most dangerous things a person can do, and I'd like to think someone already in trouble for liking the al-kee-hol would know better than to go all stupid again.
INC #4: I realize this one happened a while back, but it still bugs the crap out of me. Let me get this straight, ESPN: Harold Reynolds supposedly tries to get his freak on with a female employee, and you let him go, despite the fact that he's one of your best baseball analysts. Meanwhile, Michael Irvin got busted for drugs--again--and he keeps his job, despite being the ultimate T.O. lover and Cowboys homer.
If you're gonna fire Reynolds for being horny, why not fire Irvin for being a cokehead? What, sex is worse than drugs? Boy, have I had it wrong all these years...
INC #5: It would seem to me if I had a baseball team that before the season started was forecast to lose 100 games and yet battles for much of the year in the Wild Card race, I'd want to keep my manager around. And yet, talk in southern Florida is that manager Joe Girardi is out at the end of the season...and all because he doesn't get along with owner Jeffrey Loria.
Pardon me while I smack Loria upside the head and do my best Carlos Mencia impression.
Girardi, a viable candidate for National League Manager of the Year, has more than shown his abilities as a manager this season. The Marlins only recently fell out of playoff contention, and this was a team many expected to battle with Kansas City and Tampa Bay for the worst record in the majors before the season started.
Sounds like someone I'd want to keep around.
INC #6: While we're on the subject of the Marlins...the team wins two World Series titles in six years, battles for another playoff berth this year, and nobody down there wants to support the team? I realize the Dolphins are king in Miami, and the NBA title Dwyane and Shaq brought to South Beach brought with it a ton of excitement.
But to ignore a competitive and successful baseball team? Forgive me if that makes little, if any, sense.
INC #7: By Kim Etheredge's logic, I have just under 50 reasons to be alive. Owens seriously needs to fire her. Either that, or hire her a publicist.
Date
Thu 09/28/06, 6:02 pm EST
