How to make the Home Run Derby more enjoyable

With a lot of people comparing the Home Run Derby to the dunk competition because of the decline of star-power in recent years, I wanted to offer some insight into making your Home Run Derby more enjoyable. Besides alcohol, of course.

So when you're sitting there watching Alex Rios continually test the Little League ball-shaggers, don't bitch about David Ortiz or Ken Griffey Jr. not participating, just watch for, and discuss, these five things about the Home Run Derby.

It's time for abnormally large national flags and tiny video cameras Many players take the opportunity to express their patriotism during the Home Run Derby. Tonight you'll see several players wrap their respective national flag around their American/National League uniforms, not because it's cold, but because it looks cool. The players counter these large props with tiny video cameras. And like the dunk contest, there's no shame in capturing shit you see everyday.

Inappropriate amount of gloves and target signs.

Look at all the gloves! [1] photo courtesy of MLB.com

For some reason, every single fan thinks they will catch a foul ball at the Home Run Derby. It doesn't matter where they are sitting, they think the ball is destined for their mitt. And just to lock it up, they bring their home made target signs. I just don't get the point. I'm also a firm believer in Bill Simmons' law he hopes to enforce concerning bringing your glove to a baseball game.

> Law: Anyone over the age of 16 who brings their glove to a game can be legally beaten and tortured."

Hey guys, if you're that desperate, just go buy a box of major league baseballs and lie to everybody. [2]Who the hell is pitching to these guys? I bet he's nervous. If you ever get bored during tonight's Home Run Derby, just start paying attention to the BP pitcher tossing the meat-balls. Maybe it's my altered-state of mind, but I always wonder if the dude is scared shit-less. Quivering at the possibility that one of the players put a couple million on the competition and knows he's fucked if he fouls his round with bad pitching. It's a tough job. You have to adapt to each players personal sweet spot. Everybody likes the pitch a little different. I'll drink to you, BP pitcher.

The on-field interviews There are few things in this world more awkward than discussing World Series rings with a Cubs fan. But one of them is the live, on-field interviews the players are forced to give after each round. I don't know why they're awkward. I think it's a mix of every thing. The fact that the players are usually out of breath during the interview, the cumbersome little kid who brings them a Gatorade and a towel, and don't forget it's broadcasted over the stadium loud speakers. But most importantly, after the first round, what the hell can you possibly say? The answer always consists of a general swing analysis blended with the player saying something happy/positive.

The Children What if Shawn Kemp was in the Home Run Derby. What would he do? He would never win considering he would have seven different youngsters running around in Ke [3] mp jersey's. It's a good thing that the dunk contest doesn't encourage an unwritten Bring your children to work day like the day-care we see on television during the Derby. Doesn't that produce any kind of liability risk? All it will take is one lined shot, and even Shawn Kemp won't have to worry.

And since I have nothing else to say on this subject, I'll help the alcoholics who are determined to think of a drinking game to accompany the Derby. Take a drink when you see a kid.

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