How I Know The Yankees Will Win The AL East (or at least the wildcard)
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by user 155.33.129.156
Love them or hate them, we can all agree that the New York Yankees are a good baseball team. How can they not be? With a payroll comparable to the Gross National Income of The Cook Islands and an owner who sees no problem with signing a middle-aged pitcher who's "retired" more times than Michael Jordan, they have to be relatively decent. Right? Well their current 22-29 record holding up the rear of the AL East begs to differ. Did I mention that Old Man Clemens is making about $8,500 for every pitch he throws? Yea, that's right, good ole Rog makes more per batter than the average US family makes in a year.
Obscene financial injustices aside, it is rather unlikely.... no... it's HIGHLY IMPROBABLE that we won't be watching October baseball in the Bronx this year. And there are a few pinstriped reasons why:
Johnny Damon
The caveman from Boston has said that he would concider being placed on the DL [leg] if the Yankees were performing a little better. Well that's just great Johnny. Your .260 average and laughable .350 OBP for a leadoff man is really helping the team. Here is an idea for you. Take a few weeks off. Jeter can be put in the number 1 hole and Torre can play Melky Cabrera in center. Give your leg a good 15 day rest and get some playing time for a good player who deserves as much as he can get his hands on in Cabrera.
A-Rod
Let's think back to a time that was a little happier for Yanks fans. A time when hits were a little more abundant and it wasn't commonplace to see Torre reaching into the old bullpen in the 4th inning. I like to call this time "2006". What is the only thing that seems to be a steady constant during this time period? Watching the ole cash cow step up to the plate, swing 3 times at meatballs high and inside, and then walk back to the dugout shaking his head like he was the 11th kid on the playground during a pick-up game of basketball. I don't know what it is, but it seems like A-Rod and the Y-anks can never actually sync themselves up. Either A-rod is slumping while the Yankees steem ahead, or A-Rod is hitting bomb after bomb while the yankees can't buy a win (believe me, they've tried).
So what's the solution you ask? Give him a lighter bat. Don't tell him (he'd never shave his numbers on purpose), but give him a bat lighter than he's used to. He'll be miles ahead of every pitch. Then just sit back, and enjoy watching as the yankees creep closer and closer to that coveted 10th straight pennant (or at least get out of the basement of the division).
The Great Giambino
I have no idea what the hell his problem is. Maybe they put something special in the New York City water supply that doesn't exactly mix well with anabolics. Who knows. All I know is that Oakland Giambi = good hitter, while New York Giambi = bad hair. Maybe the Yanks should switch to ugly green and yellow jerseys - see if that helps.
History
I know what you're thinking. "Wow, he makes some really really great points. This guy must be brilliant. But how does all this add up to the Yankees winning the division? They're 13 and a half games out! [as of 5/31/07] But I still think this guy is really smart." And you have all the right in the world to say that. But let's just think back to that '06 season again. The day is July 21st. The Red Sox have a slightly comfortable lead [3.5 games], and are sitting pretty with Matsui and Sheffield on the DL for the rest of the year. John Henry is looking forward to the upcoming 5-game series against the beaten down Bombers. Theo Epstein is sipping on some brandy in Henry's office joking about how he's going to "retire" again.
Little do they know that over the course of the rest of the season [67 more games], the yankees will make a run for the division that ends up seeing the ole stockings finishing 11 games back. That's a 14 and a half game climb in 67 games [Granted [[Many Ramirez|Manny] hurt his knee and Papi had some palpitation issues (which'll happen if you sip the roid coctails right before the game - Just look at Giambi and his 2 year flu!)].
Back to '07. Soriano is on the Cubbies, El Caballo is actually in Texas, and Clemens is once again burnin a whole in his pinstriped wallet. Yankees are back 13 and a half (which is definitely more of a setback than the 3 and a half of '06, but it's a looooooong season [111 more games compared to the 67 from the '06 comeback]. Jeter and Posada are hittin .350 apiece, and the pitching staff is soon to find solace in the form of a soon to be AARP prefered member. My point is this... 13 and a half games is a huge lead, especially when it's a team like the Red Sox who are in charge. But you should NEVER count the yankees out.
Damon headed for the DL, Giambi admiting to roids, and A-Rod ridin the punch-out pony... things are starting to look up for the boys in blue.
